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A hummer at the movies

I wasn't particularly intrigued by the descriptions in the Roxie calendar, but tonight was their last night of pre-Code movies, and Monday's double feature had been wonderful, so I decided to go.

A Free Soul (1931) stars Norma Shearer as a woman who jilts her fiancé in favor of an accused killer who's being defended by her father. The story is obviously far-fetched, Shearer is a gifted overactress, John Barrymore plays her father, and their daddy/daughter relationship is a bit, ah, peculiar. "I love you as much as I despise myself, and that's an awful lot," and other such melodramatic, histrionic, pretentious piffle.

Three on a Match (1932) is about a frigid wife who thaws in a hurry when she meets a hunky hunk of hunkiness on a sea cruise, and after that comes divorce and blackmail, kidnapping and big yawns. There's a brief shot of Bette Davis in her undies, but nothing much else.

There's only a certain number of pre-Code movies worth watching, and whatever that number might be, tonight we exceeded it by two.

♦ ♦ ♦  

During the second feature, a hummer sat behind me. The movie's soundtrack has lots of breezy music, and he hummed along with every song. Several times I shushed him, and once I turned around and stared at him, but he probably wasn't even aware he was humming.

I've dealt with talkers and whisperers and plastic-bag crinklers, little kids who squeal, big kids who have to go to the bathroom three times, and old people who say "What did he say?" to each other all through the movie, but a hummer at the movies is the worst.

When the show ended, everyone slowly walked up the crowded aisle, me right behind the hummer, so I hummed the movie's theme song very, very loudly six inches from his head. And he heard me, but only smiled and bopped his head a bit, and hummed along.

♦ ♦ ♦  

Before the movies, I worked at Judith's house, washing dishes with a hairy sponge. Lugosi the dog sheds everywhere, so on my weekly maid visits a pound of dog hair gets swept down the stairs and into a plastic bag — if I'm feeling energetic, or simply swept out onto the sidewalk if I'm lazy. Hair is biodegradable, right? So skipping the plastic bag is probably a greener choice.

Lugosi's hair amazes me. How can a dog shed that much hair and still be hairy?

Despite sweeping it all up a month ago, there was dog hair in every room, on the furniture, in the shower, on the table, in the cat litter, in the hamper with dirty clothes. Hair floats through the air when you walk through it, and lands on the dishes in the sink, so there was dog hair on the sponge as I washed the dishes. No amount of plucking at the sponge could dehairify it, and why bother, when there's more hair on the next dish to be washed?

So I swept the steps, washed dishes with a hairy sponge, played with the dog, and came home covered with a fine layer of dog hair myself, and then I went to the movies and wished I hadn't.

From Pathetic Life #24
Thursday, May 23, 1996

This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.

18 comments:

  1. Captain HampocketsMay 25, 2023 at 9:44 AM

    >Hair is biodegradable, right?

    Also, birds use it in their nests.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was wondering where my hair is going.

      John

      Delete
    2. Sure John. It's the birds stealing your hair.

      Delete
    3. I like the mustache. Don't let 'em steal the mustache.

      Delete
  2. Here's Leonard Cohen and the small version of his backup band, playing a week before my 39th birthday. Damn right I was watching. The song is called "Tower of Song".

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUUZsS29qMA

    John

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Perfect music for this moment — home with a meal, a cool refreshing beverage, and a cat that wants to be petted and eat my food.

      Delete
  3. Just FYI, unrelated to anything:

    The Oakland A's are on pace to win 32 games this year

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Makes me want to see MONEYBALL again.

      I'll always have a soft spot tor the A's, but they'll be the Vegas A's, probably next season.

      Delete
    2. Same. I'm not a football guy, really, but I have always despised the Raiders (also Vegas now). But before I came to the Bay Area, I liked the A's maybe because of the colorful uniforms, but also Vida Blue and Dave Stewart and Bob Welch - I'm a pitcher guy. Fuck the Bash Brothers. Then they cemented my affection with the dollar Wednesdays we've already talked about.

      I am a Giants fan, because I happened on to their fantastic radio crew in ~2008 or so, a couple of years before their firs series win. But it's sad what the A's have become.

      Delete
    3. I should've been a Giants fan, but getting to Candlestick was difficult on the bus — and expensive. Felt like a rip-off. No regular routes went to the stadium, and the Muni ballpark buses were like $5. Tough to convert a cheapskate into a fan at such prices.

      Then they built their new place, and me & my wife took a tour but I don't think we ever saw a game there. Tickets were too expensive.

      Delete
    4. Captain HampocketsMay 26, 2023 at 10:38 AM

      I only attended one game at AT&T park, as I think it was known at the time. Free ticket. My friend bought me a beer - it was fifteen bucks for a low-tier "craft brew" - one step above budweiser, maybe a Sam Adams or something. Fuck that.

      Delete
  4. Of the 27 cuts on the Voyager Golden Record launched into interstellar space in 1977, only three were performed by Americans and all three were Black. Without looking, can you name one of the Americans?

    John

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm trying to think who was either big or remembered as big in music in the 1970s. Surprised there's no Elvis. All black, eh? Give me Louis Armstrong, Chuck Berry, and anyone but Michael Jackson — Cab Calloway maybe?

      Delete
    2. Captain HampocketsMay 26, 2023 at 10:42 AM

      I think you may have gotten 2 of them right. I'm 99% certain "What a Wonderful World" was one, and I have a suspicion that Chuck Berry might have been another. Believe it or not, I fricking LOVE Cab Calloway. Best band of all of 'em in that era. My dad was a sax player, and loved Dorsey and Miller, all that stuff, but I had to discover Cab on my own.

      Delete
  5. I'm impressed. I'm an astronautics junkie, and I could only have named the two you did. Nice job.

    First of all, almost nobody was going to get "Dark Was the Night, Cold Was the Ground" by Blind Willie Johnson. I'm a blues guy, and I'd long ago forgotten both the song and the singer.

    But you nailed the other two. In the 1920s and into the 30s, Louis Armstrong played with his Hot Five and Hot Seven. This is Louis Armstrong and his Hot Seven playing "Melancholy Blues".

    And no sane person would send a gold disc into interstellar space without Chuck Berry singing and playing Johnny B. Goode. Chuck Berry was an asshole, but he got pretty screwed by the white guys he worked for, so he gets a tentative pass. But he was one of the first stars of Rock 'n' Roll, capitalized. He toured solo most of his life and hired a bass player and drummer in each town in which he played. He paid them in cash (but not much) just as he demanded to be paid in cash. His ONLY instructions to his backup guys: "When I raise my foot, if you playin', you stop playin' -- If you not playin', you start playin'".

    Good job.

    John

    ReplyDelete
  6. I saw the big documentary about Check Berry many years ago, thought it was less than flattering that he didn't tour with supporting players. Like, people buying tickets in Poughkeepsie might see a far inferior show than folks in Peoria...

    You're enough to make me rethink that. Arguably it's better that way, and inarguable lots cheaper, and traveling with other musicians builds great camaraderie says Willie Nelson but I'd hate 'em all by the second night.

    There are countless thousands of bassists and drummers who can say, "I played with Chuck Berry..."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So, with very little effort, you can find the sex tape of Chucky B. farting and pissing on sex workers.

      As an aside, that search led me to realize for the first time that the little icon on the tab that this diary is on, is basically identical to the PornHub icon. That HAS to be intentional.

      Delete
    2. No, no, no, it's a completely different icon. PornHub's says PH. Mine says DH.

      Delete

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