By that measure, or just about any, Face/Off is the perfect action movie. John Woo brings the operatic action of his Asian movies to America, and it has all his elements — the slow-motion walking, the acrobatics, the bullet ballets, the overacting and dramatic pauses. It’s a blast, or more accurately an extended series of blasts.

The story? Here comes ridiculous, by the metric ton. Hit man Castor Troy (Nic Cage) is trying to kill supercop Sean Archer (John Travolta), so he snipers him in the back at an amusement park. The bullet passes clean through Archer’s body, though, killing his young son on a merry-go-round. For a brief moment, Cage shows grief on Troy’s face — killing the kid was an accident. And even more frustrating for evil Troy, Archer survives, and makes apprehending Troy his life’s work.

Then comes a breakthrough in modern medical science, and a top secret experiment. Troy is captured but comatose, so let’s do the world’s first face transplant, putting good guy Archer’s face on Troy’s head and body. And it works, allowing Archer as Troy to go deep undercover. Ah, but then the faceless Troy wakes up and takes control of the clinic, demanding Archer’s face be installed on his head.

So now Troy has Archer’s face and Archer has Troy’s. The actors Cage and Travolta enjoy mimicking each others’ mannerisms, and we have reached Peak Ridiculous,. Woo makes it — well, not quite believable, because you’re not an idiot, but he makes it enjoyable.

Memorable moments include the prison break, the multi-level Mexican standoff in a church, a face lick, the wind tunnel, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” and flying movie stars as the boat explodes.

And as improbable as it seems, the film somehow builds an emotional resonance into this impossible story. It has a hundred plot holes and illogical leaps, but by the end you’ll not only give a damn, you might get teary-eyed.

Verdict: BIG YES.

— — —

Here are some other movies I’ve been watching, and none today are from the 21st century, because this time and place sucks.

— — —

Colossus: The Forbin Project (1969)

Cybernetics whiz Charles Forbin has built a completely automated national defense computer called Colossus, to organize and analyze American and Soviet military arsenals and deployments. He and his team have input everything the computer needs to know, and given it live-feed access to information from everywhere, so it’ll be able to forestall any tricks those pesky Russkies come up with.

Colossus is the ultimate artificial intelligence. It’ll eliminate guess work, bad intelligence, human hesitation, doubt, guilt — it’ll be, as the President says, “the perfect defense system.” What could possibly go wrong?

To you and me, the answer is instantly obvious, probably because we’ve seen 2001 and WarGames and other movies with problematic AI. Maybe movies like this saved us from their own future.

“The object in constructing me was to prevent war. This object is attained. I will not permit war. It is wasteful and pointless. An invariable rule of humanity is that man is his own worst enemy. Under me, this rule will change, for I will restrain man.”

Almost as soon as it’s plugged in and switched on, yup, Colossus takes over, and Dr Forbin needs to negotiate against his invention in order to regain control. It’s not easy, though, to outsmart a computer that’s been programmed to know everything.

Amusingly, Colossus doesn’t want Forbin talking to other scientists any more, so part of his subterfuge involves convincing the computer that human men must have time alone with a lover four nights a week, and that the world’s second smartest cybernetics whiz (a beautiful woman, of course) is Forbin’s lover. Will they boink to save the world?

The movie’s tech is laughably quaint, but that’s an unavoidable problem in 50-year-old sci-fi about high-tech. If you can get past that, the story holds up well, especially with the always-competent Joseph Sargent (The Taking of Pelham One Two Three) directing.

The egghead who built Colossus is oddly played by soap opera superstar Eric Braeden. No matter what happens, Forbin remains unflappable, cool and calm. He smiles and quips and seems more like a charming talk show host — Joey Bishop, perhaps — than a man whose invention is imperiling the world. He never really seems worried, and raises his voice only once. Being a bad actor is kinda like being a computer.

Braeden’s not bad enough to do much damage to the movie, though, and you ought to see Colossus if you haven’t.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

Dead Again (1991)

After his early-career big hit with Henry V, Kenneth Branagh came to America, brought his then-wife Emma Thompson, and made this time-tripping murder mystery.

She has amnesia, and a past life that’s knocking her head in this life, and he’s a private dick who, in his previous life, was her jealous lover and maybe killer.

It’s a melodramatic mystery-thriller full of impossible plot holes, not even counting reincarnation. But it’s likable and has a few genuine goosebump moments.

Branagh pulls off a perfect American accent, and, in the past-life sequences, a believable German accent, too. Derek Jacobi is a smile, playing the hypnotist (and antiques dealer) who connects Branagh and Thompson’s past and future lives. Robin Williams plays a de-licensed psychiatrist who now works in a meat shop.

The movie is cotton candy, with a few murders mixed in.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

Flash Gordon (1980)

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen any of the original Flash Gordon movie serials, so I can’t comment on how or whether this reboot compares, but it’s mighty lightweight sci-fi. Which wouldn’t be a problem if they’d gone for comedy, but there are also no laughs.

Flash is a pro football jock who crash lands a plane, gets forced into a rocket ship, and finds himself on the plant Mongo. Everything that happens after that (and before that) is dreadfully dull, but things spark a little when Max Von Sydow is on-screen as the exaggerated space villain Ming the Merciless.

The name of the show, though, is Flash Gordon. He’s played by someone named Sam J. Jones, who’s handsome and muscular but you can almost hear his head echo when he speaks. He reminds me of Rocky in Rocky Horror, only with less charisma and a lower IQ. He’s certainly among the worst casting mistakes ever in a big budget movie. Was he some executive’s son-in-law?

And there’s a big musical mistake, too. Queen wrote and performed an album’s worth of music for this, and while it’s far from the band’s best work, it’s enjoyable. Yet almost none of the album’s great music is in the movie!

Verdict: NO.

♦ ♦ ♦

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains (1982)

The Stains are a punk band made up of teenage girls, fronted by Corinne “Third-Degree” Burns (Diane Lane), along with her sister and cousin (a very young Laura Dern). The film follows their rise, starting as the warm-up act for an Alice Cooperesque has-been band.

Corinne is angry at the world, and eventually her anger remakes the band into a feminist statement. Does she mean it, though, or is it only a ploy to get attention and sell tickets?

“Listen, you ugly old man! I hate you, I hate your poxy music, I hate everything about you!”

I kinda hated the music too, but I’m old, what do I know from punk? There is a huge array of genuine rock’n’roll talent here. The performers in other bands are portrayed by Fee Waybill of the Tubes, Paul Simonon from the Clash, and Paul Cook and Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols, who also wrote one of the Stains’ songs for the movie. Behind the camera is director Lou Adler, who’s the ‘A’ in A&M Records (no he’s not; see the comments below). All these facts were unknown to me watching the movie, of course, learned only from Googling around afterwards.

The script is by Nancy Dowd (Coming Home, Slap Shot), or was, but it was rewritten so much that she disowned it and it’s credited to a pseudonym. I’m guessing she wanted to make more of a feminist statement, but the movie remains plenty feminist, by movie standards.

After a test screening bombed, it was never released in theaters, but the eventual VHS release is said to have been a key inspiration for chick rockers Bikini Kill and Courtney Love. When the film started circulating in art houses and midnight shows in the 1990s, the poster’s tag line was, “The original riot grrrl movie.”

So after all that, is it worth seeing? Yeah, this movie mildly rocks. I liked the backstage politics, with the punkers dissing the big star, and then the young punkers — the Stains — dissing their elder punkers. I liked to extreme shallowness of the TV reporters, covering the rise of the Stains with palpable cynicism and disdain. And I liked Corinne’s stoic rage and pessimism.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Naked Prey (1965)

Cornell Wilde produced, directs, and stars as “Man” in what begins as a fairly disgusting big-budget visit to Africa. We’re on a safari, killing elephants and being generally awful white people, but I stuck with it because Wilde, as the guide, tells the safari jerk not to treat the natives with such rudeness. “You’re endangering the whole safari,” he pleads.

OK — now show me some serious comeuppance, please. And there’s comeuppance up up and away, but still, the gist of the story is that “Man” (African men can’t be men?) single-handedly overcomes all the natives, frees the slaves, and survives and thrives alone on the savanna.

I am skeptical of all this, and grew tired of seeing “Man” kill black people.

Filmed in Africa, with special thanks to the South African apartheid government, but with surprisingly little of the expected lovely scenery. As a thriller it’s borderline OK, and probably better if you can switch off your mind and morality.

Verdict: MAYBE.

♦ ♦ ♦

Pi (1998)

Maximillian Cohen is a mathematician who believes numbers can solve every mystery of life. The answers to everything, at least in the movie, are supposed to be hidden in the endless progression of infinite numbers, never repeating, after the decimal in pi.

Max is not well, suffers clusterbomb headaches and other ailments, and he’s not an outgoing guy, preferring to spend his entire life in his dumpy apartment that looks like something from Eraserhead. Actually, the whole movie seems very much inspired by that classic David Lynch film, but if you need inspiration why not look to the best?

Like Eraserhead, it’s in high-contrast black-and-white, with an oppressive feel. No lady in the radiator, though. No laughs at all.

This flick was Darren Aronofsky’s calling card, and he’s gone on to make several acclaimed films, none of which I’ve seen except The Wrestler, which underwhelmed me.

To add to the movie’s everything’s-closing-in-on-you feel, the story has the quiet loner Maximillian being constantly interrupted. People keep knocking at his door unexpectedly. His phone rings a lot, and it’s not friends calling, it’s always people trying to sell him stuff or arrange an interview. Strangers keep stopping him on the sidewalk.

Toward the end there’s a long sequence where his phone rings and rings and rings for ten minutes, while other stuff is going on. A phone endlessly ringing is not the most annoying sound in modern life, but it’s in the top ten, so that’s ten minutes of solid annoyance.

The flick has an intriguing, well-developed premise, with lots of gross-out sequences, and a pretty good ending. There’s a lot of mathematical speak here, but it must’ve been dumbed down for people like me, because I followed the story despite knowing nothing much about math beyond 1+1=2.

I should’ve loved this, and could’ve, but it’s hard to recommend a movie with so much annoyance built into it. Everyone knocking and ringing and always interrupting Max was as intensely aggravating to me as it was to him.

Also, the plot and dialogue has a whole lot of Jewish mumbo-jumbo which keeps bringing God and the Torah into the plot. Almost no movies are improved by God, not even The Ten Commandments.

And also, will someone please answer the damned phone?

Verdict: NO.

— — —

Coming attractions:

• Brief Encounter (1945)
• Forty Guns (1957)
• Harlan County USA (1976)
• Little Darlings (1980)
• Pin (1988)
• Rescue Dawn (2006)
• Runaway Train (1985)

1/6/2023