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  • Everyone else’s mess

    Under the clutter in my room, a dead roach startled me. It must’ve been one of the last casualties the final, successful bug-bombing here, to kill the roaches that tagged along with me from Pike’s place.

    PATHETIC LIFE logo

    From Pathetic Life #22
    Friday, March 29, 1996

    It’s been nice living roach-free since then, but there’ll be plenty of roaches in whatever rez hotel I’m about to move into. I’ll resume chasing and killing ’em. It’s a hobby, and that part of having roaches is fun — blam, splatter, or rig up the peanut butter traps again.

    There’s a downside to everything, though, even roaches. At the rez hotel, sooner or later I’ll interrupt a sandwich to walk to the fridge for a pop, and come back to find a roach crawling on my tuna-wich.

    ♦ ♦ ♦  

    It looked like rain, and I wasn’t feeling fishy, so I took the day off from selling on Telegraph. After a few hours of trash-bagging, my plan was to get most of my meager possessions boxed up.

    I don’t have much stuff, though, and Cy has a bad back, so instead I helped him pack. Ain’t I a saint?He doesn’t have a car so he borrowed his mother’s, but she doesn’t trust his driving so she comes with the car like standard equipment. She did the driving but none of the heavy lifting, and she’s a top-notch talker and lollygagger like my own mom.

    Also, she’s afraid of driving on the freeway, so the three-mile trip to Cy’s storage lot took almost an hour, each way. And then she was hungry, so we all stopped for lunch at McDonald’s, and it wasn’t up to their usual standards of sub-mediocrity. My Filet-O-Fish was lukewarm and the tartar had a funky aftertaste, but I’ll eat anything so I ate it.

    Back at the house, packing Cy’s stuff had to wait while Judith and I cleared the hallway and stairway of furniture, and also of books, jackets, knickknacks, dog toys, and everything else that would otherwise be stumbled over and block the way. We carried away forty armloads, boxes, and bundles, just to make the hall pass-through-able, and of course, this messy house being this messy house, there was nowhere to put all the stuff from the hallway.

    Some things about this place I won’t miss, like everyone else’s mess. My own mess is mess enough.

    Judith let us use her van, so after we’d filled Cy’s mother’s car with Cy’s stuff, we filled the van, but jeez it was a slow process. One of the cats pees everywhere, so we had to make sure Cy’s bedroom door was always closed. And the dog, bless his doggy-soul, bites people so isn’t allowed outside, and he’s never been trained not to dart out the front door, and if we’d shoved him into another room he’d make a whining ruckus and knock everything over, so the front door had to always be closed, too. And this is a sketchy neighborhood (by Berkeley standards), so the van and car were always locked too.

    What that all means is, every load we carried out had to be picked up, taken into the hall, put down so we could close Cy’s door, picked up again and maneuvered down the hall and down the stairs, put down to open the front door, picked up and immediately put down to close the door, and finally carried to one or the other vehicle, put down again, and the door unlocked, before finally being loaded. Then you’d lock the car door, and do it all again.

    The dog in the hallway slowed everything further, always in the way like doggies do, and you know what else kept getting in the way? Cy’s mother. She dawdled and talked lots, and she wanted answers when she said anything, and she stood in the way almost as often as Lugosi. Between her back-street driving, slow-talking, and amazing knack for standing where people needed to walk, Cy’s mom ate about two hours of the day. I guess all mothers are my mother.

    Also, because of his delicate back, Cy couldn’t carry anything but the lightest stuff — his doily collection, perhaps, and boxes with pillows and underwear in ’em. Anything heavy had to be carried by me, or Judith. Not by his mother, either — she lifted nothing all day.

    It ain’t easy being such a saint, but I did Cy a solid. Dunno why — once he’s gone and I’m gone, I’ll never see him again.

    Meanwhile my own room is only half-packed, and the forecast is sunshine tomorrow so I gotta sell fish, and also I’m about to barf up that lousy McD Filet.

    This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.

    Pathetic Life
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  • I’m coming home.

    Getting the move underway before even knowing where I’m moving, I bought thirty lawn-size trash bags and started filling them with my stuff. Most are getting filled with trash, though.

    PATHETIC LIFE logo

    From Pathetic Life #22
    Thursday, March 28, 1996

    This whole household gets just two cans of trash a week, and with five of us, we always generate more than that. The routine is that we stash our excess trash in the dumpsters of a few nearby businesses. Three of us moving out at the same time, we’ve already filled all the dumpsters on this and the next block. Not sure where the rest of our trash is going to go, but I’m piling mine by the back door. When I’m gone, it’ll be Judith and Jake’s problem.

    ♦ ♦ ♦  

    Moving is always a headache, and the short notice sucks, but for me it’s que sera sera. Not for the other evictees, though. Cy and Joe are angry, and the flat’s been full of arguments all day today.

    Joe called Jake a bastard, and Jake replied, “Oh yeah, we’re the bastards who invited you to live with us when you had nowhere else to go!”

    A few hours earlier, Cy loudly said he’d pay the difference if the landlord raised the rent, and Jake hollered back, “Who’ll pay the difference if you decide it’s too expensive and move out in three months?” I didn’t hear the answer-back. I’d closed my door.

    I’m not arguing. Things happen, and it’s not like Judith & Jake conspired with the landlord to have Cy and Joe and me tossed out. It ain’t their fault, and if we’re not screaming at the schmuck who actually owns the place, then it’s not worth screaming.

    The way I figure, in a few days I’ll be living somewhere else. Don’t know where yet, except that it’ll be a rez hotel.

    ♦ ♦ ♦

    When I first came to San Francisco — jeez, five years ago — I took a tiny room in a cheap SRO hotel in the slums of the Mission, for $85 p/week. There was no deposit, and background check. No questions asked. If you have four twenties and a five, everyone’s welcome at a rez hotel.

    The Mission is a loud, rude neighborhood, with cheap burritos on every corner, a hundred thousand street characters, good things and bad, but the bad things only make the good things better.

    At my first rez hotel there, in addition to the ordinary bums and lowlifes and Section 8ers, the manager rented rooms to hookers. Everybody needs a job and I don’t judge, but the sound of uncaring sex pounded through thin walls, along with shouted arguments about money, before or after but never during. So I moved to a different rez hotel, not quite as loud and rowdy, without the prostitutes. Then moved to another rez hotel, to be closer to work. One time I switched hotels just to be a few blocks closer to the Roxie, since I was spending so much time at the movies there.

    I liked the convenience of being smack-dab in the middle of the city, and loved the cheap rent, of course, and the colorful neighbors, and that I never needed to learn the manager’s name — it’s a different man at every hotel, but he’s always Mr Patel.

    More than anything and everything, I loved the neighborhood — most of my rez hotels have been in the Mission. Everything I’d want to do in San Francisco is there, or a quick bus or train ride away. It’s almost literally a living place.

    And it’s a place of death. In the Mission District rez hotels I called home, three fellow residents were carried out under blankets — one dead by drugs, one dead by gunshot, and one killed by the flu.

    Life is temporary, but if you don’t do heavy drugs or major crime, and I don’t, and take your daily vitamins, and I do, the Mission isn’t much more dangerous than Pacific Heights. And it’s a million times more interesting, with a much better class of people than the rich snoots on the hill.
    And you know… Johnny Mathis comes to mind: 

    I’m going home, going home.
    Tell someone to meet me, I’m coming home.

    Half an hour ago I typed that it didn’t know where I’d be moving, but it started me thinking, and now I know.

    Berkeley is nice, but living on the wrong side of the Bay has been an extended road trip. The Mission is where I belong. It’s the only place I’ve ever felt truly at home, and it’s the part of San Francisco where I left my heart.

    This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.

    Pathetic Life
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  • Anything goes, 3/28

    our 73rd weekly open mike

    Let’s see what happens when your host (me) has nothing to say. Step right up, speak your mind, tell a story, sing a song, whatever.

    3/28/2026

    Anything goes

    itsdougholland.com 
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