our 83rd weekly open mike

Let’s see what happens when your host (me) has nothing to say. Step right up, speak your mind, tell a story, sing a song, whatever.

6/6/2026

Anything goes

itsdougholland.com 
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“I’ll do anything legal,” as I often say, “for $5 an hour.” Among other odd jobs, I’ve wired auditoriums for sound, passed out flyers in drag, and shaved a hairy man’s ass. If you’re willing to pay, I’m willing to work, but next week’s rent has been paid, so I’m not desperate.

Somebody out there is desperate. A man left a message on my voicemail a week ago yesterday, saying he’d seen my ad and wanted to talk about hiring me, but he didn’t say what for. That’s a little unusual; most callers give me the gist of what they want.

What’s odder is, his message was marked “urgent” — something I didn’t even know my voicemail could do. I returned his call, but not urgently. First I called my own voice mail like a caller would, and learned that if you’re patient enough to listen to all the computerized options, you can push an asterisk at the end and it’ll mark your message as “urgent.”

That’s all it does, though, and an “urgent” doesn’t reach me any quicker. It sits there like any other message, until I call in and push the playback code, but when I do, the automated operator will announce, “This message is marked ‘urgent’.”

That’s all. Very faux impressive.

After learning about “urgent” calls, I ate a few sandwiches and read the Chronicle, and eventually I called Mr Urgent. My call rang through to his answering machine, so I left a message, explaining what he already knew, that I’ll do anything legal for five bucks an hour.

It was two days before he called my voicemail again, and again he marked his message “urgent,” but again he didn’t say what the work would be.

The whole “I’ll do anything” shtick is out of the ordinary, and maybe the guy thought he was calling an office somewhere, a business with pagers or something. That ain’t me,so when I returned his call two days later, I explained to his machine, “I’m just one guy, and I have regular gigs on Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays, but if you need me on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, please call back… again… and please tell my machine what work you want me to do.”

Considering that I’m often an ass, I was seriously proud of myself for being so patient and polite. You can go ahead and be proud of me, too, but it made no difference.

On Friday, he called my voicemail a third time, marked his message “urgent” again, and again did not tell me what work he needed.

Saturday, he called three more times, Sunday once, and again this morning, and you guessed it, every message was marked “urgent” and none of them told me what work he wanted me to do.

In this morning’s message, he told me exactly when to call him back. “I’ll be home between noon and 2:30.”

Well, that’s nice to know, Mr Urgent, but I have enough twits in my life already, and I’m tired of your messages and your voice. Hire somebody else.

♦ ♦ ♦  

After checking my messages, I stopped at Jose’s Produce, to discreetly shake out another baggie full of cockroaches captured in my room. It was the third time I’ve roached the store, vengeance for their refusal to replace or refund 79¢ for a defective salt & pepper set (5/20).

After setting the roaches free near the meat counter, I walked toward the door to leave, and spotted a fat roach crawling across fresh-baked Mexican-style pastries, inside a plexiglass display rack. (To be clear, that roach was not one of my dropoffs from today. Mine are smaller; this one was big!)

Loud enough for any customer to hear, I semi-shouted, “Christ, they’ve got roaches crawling all over the baked goods!”

And with that, I believe my work at Jose’s is done. I’ve cost them more than 79¢, so I’ll go back to killing roaches in my room, instead of collecting and dispersing them.

♦ ♦ ♦  

At the porn magazine where I work every Monday, one of my chores is to sort and shred the week’s recycling. Several times that’s included snapshots of the same naked woman, a 30-ish redhead in Arizona who keeps sending the magazine unsolicited photos of herself, doing interesting things naked in what appears to be her home.

In today’s set of pictures, she was lounging in front of a fireplace, combing her pubic hair.

Each mailing is accompanied by a signed release form, authorizing the magazine to publish the pictures. Additionally, she writes on the back of each photograph, “Please print this,” and signs her name.

So we know her name, but nobody at the magazine knows who she is, or why she’s sending the pictures. I’ve checked the database, and she’s not a subscriber, not an advertiser.

The magazine, Black Sheets, is highbrow, pansexual, and it’s literary, not just another booby magazine. It’s 90% text, so people really do read it for the articles, and we’re not looking for simple snapshots of nekked women, so every time she sends more pictures, the pictures get tossed into the recycling.

It’s a sad commentary on the loneliness and isolation some people feel, don’t you think? I mean, I already had six pictures of her on the wall in my room. Now I have nine.

5/1 — Went vegan. Here’s why and how.

5/3 — Coupla days ago in the comments, Claude suggested fasting, which reminded me that I’ve done plenty of fasting during past health kicks. So what the heck. After skipping breakfast in a rush to the bus, it was 1:00 in the afternoon before I thought about food. Sis offered me a sandwich while we were feeding Mom lunch, and I said no thanks, I’m fasting.

And then I fasted, didn’t eat anything all day, except ① a reflexive lick of the spoon after serving up some potato salad for Mom, and ② a reflexive lick of the knife after putting some peanut butter on a rat trap. Also had a couple of sugar-free hard candies, does that count?

5/4 — Fasted for a second day. Got a little hungry by bedtime, but jerked off to sleep and won the day.

5/5 — Took myself to a reliable buffet, King Buffet in Renton, where I’ve always skipped the rice and concentrated mostly on the many meat dishes. As already stated, I’m going to be merely vegetarian, not vegan, in restaurants, because the options are so few and moderation is best, etc, but I was surprised how little was left for me at King Buffet.

I had the seasoned beans (which I’ve always enjoyed, and they were especially good), veggie lo mein (good, and filling), the fried squash (probabvly fried in butter, from the look and taste, but restaurant rules apply), and one small helping of veggie fried rice (good but not great, and I felt guilty about the scrambled egg bits so I had no seconds). Also had a vegetarian spring roll, because spring rolls have no egg, right? Same as egg rolls have no spring.

Everything else at the buffet was off-limits to vegetarians. I forgot to visit the salad bar, where there would’ve been plenty more options, but meh — I eat lots of salads at home, and don’t go to restaurants for salads. Also skipped the dessert area, because fuck it I’m fat, and anyway I’m trying to be healthy.

But I left feeling stuffed and happy. And usually after eating at King Buffet, I feel a hard-to-describe general lethargy and malaise for the rest of the day. This time, no aftereffects. Felt fine. Vedddy interestink.

5/6 — Fasted.

5/7 — Ate, but ate at home, all vegan.

My house has a low toilet. It’s usually a grunt standing up after sitting, and in recent months it’s also been kinda difficult sitting my fat ass down onto the toilet, but I’m noticing that both directions, up and down, are easier the past few days. My bowels are easier, too. Feels more like dropping stuff off, and less like a morning’s work.

5/8 — Fasted.

5/9 — Had a fine lunch at ChuMinh Tofu Deli, a vegan buffet.

I’ve always been basically sedentary, and with old age, after a few days without walking further than the kitchen or toilet, my legs have seriously complained when I asked them to walk. With Mom’s surgery and slow rehab and me visiting and trying to help, I’ve been walking at least a few blocks every day, to and from bus stops and to Mom’s hospital, then rehab, now house. And every day, this walking has hurt my legs.

Today, my legs hurt less. Not sure if that’s because they’re finally getting used to being out of the recliner, or because I’m eating healthier, but cripes it’s a joy walking without feeling pain all up and down both legs with every step.

5/10 — Sometimes, when I need my grocery purchase to be a few bucks more to make the minimum for free delivery, I buy treats to leave on the kitchen table, for everyone in the house. Sometimes it’s bananas, sometimes it’s oranges, sometimes it’s pastries.

Today I ordered half a dozen glazed doughnuts for the house, which usually means I eat three and leave three on the table. Ate one doughnut, and it grossed me out — it was sooo sugary it tasted like, well, a mouthful of sugar. Which didn’t stop me from eating the entire doughnut, but it did stop me from having a second or third doughnut.

Waited to see if anyone else would complain, but they’re all eaten and Robert said thanks, so I don’t think anything was wrong with the doughnuts. It was the first sugary sweet I’d eaten this month, and my now-healthier body mind & mouth rejected it, that’s all.

Haven’t decided whether that’s kinda cool, or whether to feel cheated out of enjoying doughnuts.

And yes, the doughnuts almost certainly had dairy and egg in them. I am not now and never will be a guy who reads the list of ingredients. For me, vegan is a general idea, not a sworn oath.

5/15 — Ate breakfast with the fam, at our usual restaurant. There are no vegan options, so I went vegetarian — omelet, toast with butter, etc. It tasted good & didn’t bother my conscience.

5/16 — Fasted.

5/17 — Had an unexpected omelet at an unexpected diner.

Breakfast is my biggest problem with a vegan diet. All my life, I’ve loved breakfast at a diner, but what is the point of it without eggs, meat, and cheese? Can’t have an omelet, can’t have sausage or bacon or ham, can’t even have toast or hotcakes because why bother without the butter?

That’s why I’m a squishy vegan, who eats vegetarian, not vegan, in restaurants. Skipping the meat is a shrug — oh well — but skipping the eggs and dairy obliterates any reason to ever go out to breakfast.

Also, whoops. I was about to order more of the chives crackers that I like, but after eating eight packs of six of them for dinner, I noticed that they’re actually cream cheese & chives. Not vegan. Oh well, but no more.

5/18 — Holy crap, I feel like an old man. For the first time in a week, my legs ache again, with every footstep. It is coincidence that my legs hurt after eating two cheesy, eggy meals over three days, plus a bunch of cheesy crackers for dinner?

5/19 — Feeling a little better, but walking still hurts, and it’s very frustrating, because for a week my legs hadn’t been hurting.

5/20 — Walking is mostly painless, but not quite.

Made my first couscous. It’s OK, and will be better next time, as I’ll add more spice, and peas and onions. Also, it’s kinda dry, so maybe 1.1:1 on the water, instead of 1:1.

And of course, since I was cooking, and especially since I was cooking something I hadn’t cooked before, Dean was there in the kitchen, asking stupid questions and offering unwanted advice. “Ooooh, couscous. We sometimes serve that at the Hilton Park Hyatt Saint-Regis Four Seasons Marriott Ritz Carlton, where I’m special assistant to the head chef…”

5/21 — Fasted. And walked with zero pain again, so here’s my new rule: Cheesy, eggy meals are still allowed in restaurants, but there must be at least several days between such cheats.

And I ought to look around for more vegan restaurants, cuz the all-vegan ChuMinh Tofu Deli on the 9th is still the best meal I’ve had this month.

5/22 — As part of my decrepitude, for at least a year, maybe longer, putting on underpants and pants has been difficult. The first leg is no problem, but lifting the second leg and getting it into the leg-hole has been a bitch. Works better if I can hang onto something while lifting the second leg, but even then it sometimes makes me stumble.

Well, I held off on mentioning this in case it was just luck, but putting on underpants and pants has been easier the past few days. I feel like I’m 65 again!

5/23 — I’ve been trying all the vegan options from the grocery store, and there aren’t many, so here’s a quick summary:

The manufactured vegan substitutes for eggs suck. The manufactured vegan substitute for cheese sucks. The various yogurt substitutes taste OK, but they’re liquid, all wrong texture.

On the plus side, I’ve been drinking almond milk instead of milk milk, for years, and it’s good. Earth Balance makes a decent butter substitute, for toast. Talenti dairy-free sorbetto is excellent, so who needs ice cream.

Amy’s vegetarian/vegan products are all either edible or actually good — Chinese noodles & vegetables, black bean burrito, tofu scramble, vegan pizza — but everything Amy’s sells is seriously overpriced.

Morningstar’s vegan corn dogs supersuck, but a company called Field Roast makes plant-based corn dogs that are every bit as good as meat. My sister treated me to my first Impossible™ burger, and it was OK, but I’m sticking with the cheap and perfectly satisfactory Boca burgers.

5/24 — Fasted.

Searched the ‘net for vegan restaurants, and they’re all a long bus ride from home, and most are kinda expensive. Vegetarian restaurants are more common, but there are none that aren’t a long bus ride, and with my daily bus rides to Mom’s house and back, I ain’t up for much exploring right now.

5/25 — My dick never gets hard like it used to. It gets semi-hard, hard enough to masturbate, but it’s been at least three years since I’ve had a full-on, solid erection.

This morning I woke up with a full-on, solid erection. So yeah, I’m liking my vegan diet.

5/26 — Veggie omelet and french toast at Mrs Rigby’s.

5/27 — Protein is supposed to be a worry with a vegan diet, so I purchased some hemp-based protein powder, and tonight I mixed my first dose of it into juice. Did this mixing in the kitchen, so Dean, of course, was there to watch and offer commentary. “Ooooh, protein. Are you going into athletics?…”

Mixed with my usual juice, this protein powder can be swallowed without vomiting, but it turns the juice green, and adds an ugly flavor I’d compare to an old sponge. Certainly takes the joy out of the juice.

The rest of it got green-flushed down the toilet, and I’m not buying protein powder again, unless some brand promises it’s flavorless. Larabar makes vegan protein bars, which I’ll buy and try tomorrow.

Most likely, I’ll just live with lower protein levels, and I’m OK with that.

5/28 — Made my second bowl of couscous, with spice, peas, and onions. And it was OK again, but why am I eating couscous, when I’ve never been a fan of pasta? Switching to cauliflower rice, which is far lower in calories and has more flavor than couscous.

I’m too heavy for the scales at home, so there’s no knowing, but I’m probably not losing weight, because I still overeat. Food has always filled the emptiness of my soul. Only now, the emptiness gets filled without meat, dairy, or eggs, unless I’m at the diner.

Larabar’s protein bars are pretty good. They come in three flavors, and I especially like the lemon.

5/29 — Walking is still mostly painless, which is excellent. To be clear, I’m always getting zinged by random “old man pains,” where a random part of my body hurts for no reason, then stops hurting, also for no reason. Such pains can be in my toes, hips, ears, gonads, anywhere, and often in my legs, but they’re occasional pains.

What’s gone are the constant pains along the meat, bones, and nerves of my drumsticks in pants.

Walking without every step being painful is simply wonderful — it’s been so long — and there’s nothing the improvement can be attributed to except my new vegan/vegetarian diet. Remember, the pain came back when I ate three vegetarian but not vegan meals, so the evidence suggests: vegan = painless legs for this old man.

5/31 — And so goes the month of May, fading into June. I’m still eating vegan at home, vegetarian at restaurants, cuz I’m a sorry-ass vegan who puts cream in my coffee.

I’ve still only had that one roaring erection, but after a month of this I’m feeling pretty dang good. I’ve been on a downward spiral toward death the past near-year or so, which hasn’t been pleasant, but going sorta vegan for a month has definitely slowed that.

So I’m doing it for another month. Maybe longer.

6/5/2026

itsdougholland.com
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