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Bless the Lord, o my soul

Starting the Sunday after I was born, my parents brought me to Sunday School every Sunday, for eighteen years. They sent me and my siblings to private religious schools when they could afford it, and to Christian youth camp every summer. At home, we had daily Bible studies, to memorize and recite full chapters of scripture.

I'm an atheist now, but getting past religion took years, and I'm still working on it. Decades after my last prayer or visit to a church, the indoctrination is with me, always.

This morning, going about my business and certainly not thinking about Jesus or Christianity, a hymn unheard for fifty years popped into my head. I heard myself sing it out loud:

"Bless the Lord, o my soul, and all that is within me. Bless his holy name."

Jesus, where did that come from? 

It's Psalm 103, verse 1, set to music, and it's not merely an unwanted echo from childhood; it is also very, very stupid.

Why would omnipotent God need or want a blessing from me? Did God sneeze?

To 'bless', the dictionary says, means asking God to look favorably upon something or someone. So, "Bless the Lord" is me, asking God to look favorably upon God.

As kooky as that is, it gets kookier. I must also ask God to bless his own name. I'm supposed to say, "Bless you, God, and also bless the name of God." I'm supposed to sing it, and sing it seriously, "with all that is within me."

Like much of the Bible, it's plain nonsense to anyone who stops and thinks about it. That's why religion has to be hammered into kids' heads before they're old enough to stop and think. Without grooming children while they're young and gullible, not many adults would fall for Jesus, and in one generation the church would be out of business.

7/26/2024   

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Sidewalk pinball

From Pathetic Life #2
Saturday, July 23, 1994 

Woke up late, and had a few burritos for breakfast, which gave me gas all morning and into the afternoon. I live alone and enjoy farting, so I figured what the heck, and fired up a big plate of chili and cheese for lunch to keep it going.


♦ ♦ ♦

Out of mayonnaise, and because you can't have chili and cheese without a dollop of mayonnaise, I walked to the store. Trying to dodge all the brain-dead tourists, I didn't notice the little kid until she rammed me in the nuts. But did I keel over in pain? Nope, because I wear a protective cup every day, just in case. I wore a cup when I was an umpire, and it's still my habit. Better safe than sorry. Highly recommended.

And while we're sort of on the subject of sidewalks, there are rules of the road, and there are rules of the sidewalk, and please follow the rules. The first rule, same as driving (in America, anyway), is to walk on the right side of the sidewalk. Don't meander all over the width of the concrete. I always walk to the right when I'm alone, and on those rare occasions when I'm walking with a friend, I'll politely fall back and yield to walkers coming from the other direction. But such good manners are rare.

If this sounds like a rant, yes, it's a rant, and if it sounds petty, please remember that I live one block from Powell Street in downtown San Francisco — cable cars, Union Square, Market Street — so I'm sharing the sidewalk with thousands of tourists every day and night of the year. And some of them refuse to share.

When I walk to Walgreens I'm pirouetting past couples, families, and huge groups of gawkers who all think of San Francisco as a tourist attraction. And it is, of course, but it's also a genuine city where real people lead mundane lives and need to go to the store to buy some mayo so please get out of my way.

The sidewalks are always crowded, like a busy thoroughfare but with humans instead of cars, and with no turn signals or brake lights. Foot traffic moves efficiently, until some idiot and his wife and kids, walking side-by-side of course, suddenly stop to wonder "Which way is Macy's?" although the Macy's sign is enormous and straight ahead. Stopping, they make everyone behind them stop. Would you just hit the brakes in traffic and stop? Why don't they pull over to the side, like you'd do on the highway if you needed to consult a map?

Or, a gazillion people are headed east on the sidewalk, and another gazillion headed west, and some schmuck stops in the middle of the walkway to focus his camera and click a picture of the cable car.

Or, three friends walk abreast, leaving room for only one person to squeeze by going the other way. And they walk slowly, so people behind them wanting to walk faster can't pass them, because the trio is walking side-by-side instead of face-to-back-of-head.

Yes, yes, yes, this is a trivial frustration amounting to next-to-nothing, but it adds up when you're dealing with throngs of bumbling, slow-walking, picture-taking numskull tourists every day. So here's an announcement: This fat slob has had enough.

I'm done with the daily aerobics of dancing through and around the multitudes who don't bring their manners on vacation. I have stopped being kind and accommodating, stepping out of their way, waiting patiently while they talk and gawk and snap a photo. I am now the personification of "No more Mr Nice Guy."

When I'm walking alone, where I belong, on the far right side of the sidewalk, I will walk straight into and through anyone going the other direction, or anyone who stops to look at his map. I've become the lineblocker of O'Farrell Street. It's a community service: I'm teaching etiquette to visitors from Georgia and Timbuktu, by abandoning all etiquette myself.

Driving a car, you can't just ram into every asshole driver on the road. On the sidewalk, you can — especially if you're a big guy like me. Most of my walks are uneventful and without collision, but if you get in my way I will keep walking. I will not slow my pace nor step out of your way. I'm where I'm supposed to be, right side of the sidewalk, so you will step out of my way, or blam!, I will go right through like a bowling ball knocking over pins for a 7-10 split.

At the last possible moment before collision, most folks sense that I'm not going to yield, and step out of the way. It's very educational, for them. But several times I've bumped into and occasionally toppled people. It's turned the frustration into fun, but I'm still a softie at heart, so I do yield to old folks, little kids, and the disabled.

♦ ♦ ♦

I toppled some schmuck in a suit on my way to the BART station, then rode to Berkeley to see Repulsion at the Pacific Film Archive. It's a psycho-thriller by Roman Polanski, all about a frigid woman who starts killing anyone who knocks on her door. I can relate. The movie scared me good, and got me rooting for the killer, because all her victims were such louts.

Speaking of victims, a couple who sat near me at the theater soon decided to sit elsewhere. Man, I was explosive tonight!

This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.

 

Gutter Girls, A Guy Named Joe, Guys and Dolls, and a few more movies

The Guru (1969)

British rock star Tom Pickle (Michael York) comes to India to learn to play the sitar, which turns out to be more philosophically complex than he'd expected.

This is an early Merchant Ivory collaboration, scripted by Ruth Prawer Jhabvala (Howards End, The Remains of the Day, A Room with a View).

The sitar music is rockin' good, as are the performances, especially Utpal Dutt as the musical guru, and Rita Tushingham as an ephemeral hippie chick wearing way too much eye makeup.

So much makeup, honestly, that it's a distraction when she's on screen.

Filmed on location, the Indian scenery is lovely, but the plotting putters around, and yawns are unavoidable.

Verdict: MAYBE.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Gutter Girls (1963)
a/k/a The Thrill Seekers
a/k/a The Yellow Teddy Bears

With a title like Gutter Girls, you'd expect something raunchy, tawdry. It's not, though. Sure, there are dated aspects to this, easy to chuckle at, like the boyfriend whose nickname is Kinky and nobody thinks twice about it. Mostly, though, this is a serious 'issue picture', and the 'issue' is premarital sex, which was a controversial topic indeed in 1963. And still is, I suppose, among the religious.

Some students at Peterbridge New Town Grammar School for Girls wear yellow teddy bear brooches. The teachers don't know the meaning and think it's only a fad, but one teacher makes the connection — the brooches secretly signify that the girls wearing them are no longer virgins.

NEVERENDING
FILM FESTIVAL
#314  [archive]
JULY 25, 2024

After the teacher figures that out, all heck breaks loose — a pregnancy, an interrupted abortion, a girl who runs away into the night.

"What sort of a world are you girls living in? Is it a place where sex is given out like soap coupons?"

The response is what you'd expect — when the pregnant girl's father discovers the fact of the matter, his response is, basically, How could you do this to me? The girl is desperate for an abortion and a normal life, but Daddy wants to punish her by forcing her to have and raise the baby.

Humans are horrible.

The drama comes to a head in a long meeting of the school board where the ramifications of all these issues are discussed, fairly realistically, even intelligently. But there's no neat and tidy happy ending. It's just, Hello, world, the '50s are over.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

A Guy Named Joe (1943)
Streaming free at Internet Archive

It's clear from the first moments that this is a gung-ho military movie, with the Air Force anthem "Wild Blue Yonder" as its theme song, guys on the ground saluting fighter planes a mile above them, kids oohing and aahing and idolizing the pilots, etc.

My patriotism reserves are running low, and I would've clicked the movie off right then, but the screenplay is by Dalton Trumbo — Johnny Got His Gun, Lonely Are the Brave, Papillon, Roman Holiday, Spartacus, and more — so I stayed with it.

First thing to know is that there's nobody named Joe in A Guy Named Joe.

"Don't you know anything about slang? In the American Air Forces, anybody who's a right chap is a guy named Joe."

The movie's main guy named Joe is Pete Sandidge (Spencer Tracy), a fighter pilot in World War II. He gets shot down dead, and sent to a strange military Heaven where the angels wear US military uniforms, and you still gotta salute and follow other angels' orders. Which sounds more like Hell.

His post-mortem assignment is to fly with junior pilots, invisible and unseen, to give them good advice that somehow gets through to them even though they can't hear him. And it's kinda sweet to imagine that the dead ride with us, a hand on our shoulder — a childish fairy tale, but lots of movies are.

Nothing's seriously wrong with this flick except the schmaltz, which drips from every scene and stained the book that was under my monitor.

Eventually, and unexpectedly, the drama comes down to Irene Dunn, playing the woman who'd been Joe/Pete's fiancée, as she decides whether to heed or ignore his angelic advice in her ear. Her choice, and Dunn's silent acting as she mulls it over, lifts the movie out of its swamp of schmaltz.

Verdict: YES, but a BIG YES for the last 15 minutes or so.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Guys and Dolls (1955)
Streaming free at Internet Archive

Guys and Dolls is a musical about illegal gambling, and a preacher lady in a thinly-disguised Salvation Army, who hopes to bring bookies and numbers racketeers to our Lord and Savior. Presumably this was a drama with some heft in Damon Runyan's original short story, but reworked as a musical it's entirely for laughs.

As gambler Sky Masterson, Marlon Brando sings on key, but so does my mom and she'd give the songs more emotion. As money man Nathan Detroit, Frank Sinatra is Sinatra, but strangely he isn't given as much signing duty as Brando. Jean Simmons plays Sarah Brown, the shrew-like preacher Masterson is pursuing, and when she sings it's piercingly unpleasant. Vivian Blaine plays a showgirl, Detroit's moll, who speaks and even sings in a thick Bronx accent that's amusing until it's annoying, which doesn't take long.

But jeez, the dancing is great, most of the songs sizzle, and ample laughs lighten the stodgy plot.

The film's rendition of "Fugue for Tinhorns" ("I got the horse right here, the name is Paul Revere…") is a marvel of not just song and dance, but sound engineering — three guys sing it, not as a trio but with each man singing different lyrics, and yet, even on my mono sound system, not a word of the lyrics is lost.

Other great numbers include "Sit Down You're Rockin' the Boat," "The Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crap Game in New York," "Luck Be A Lady Tonight" (which would be so much better sung by Sinatra instead of Brando), and the snapping title tune, "Guys and Dolls." 

There's terrific ensemble dancing throughout, and the sets, costumes, and colors pop. Other than the formulaic story and a few of the lesser songs, it's a pleasant diversion for two hours, though it's 2½ hours long.

Verdict: YES. 

♦ ♦ ♦  

The Guyver (1991)
a/k/a Mutronics
Streaming free at Internet Archive

This cheapo sci-fi opens with more than a minute of crawling text read aloud, explaining the movie's far-too-detailed set-up, which I won't repeat or even summarize. Suffice to say, people turn into reptilian air-breathing fish or turtles or something.

Mark Hamill plays a tough guy, which is not believable, but there's nothing here that is. There's another white guy who (when he's not a walking turtle) looks so much like Hamill that it's confusing. Also, there's a black guy doing a bad Jimmie Walker impression, and guess what? It's Jimmie Walker.

Some of the spacey get-ups are cool, and horror mainstay Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes) is a bit gentler than you've usually seen him. The dialogue never rings real, though, and there's palpable anti-chemistry between the romantic leads.

Produced by Brian Yuzna, who's had a fine career in schlock — he produced Re-Animator,  directed Society, and wrote Honey I Shrunk the Kids — but this is not one of his greats.

I might have fallen asleep while watching it. I'm not sure, which is probably all the review anyone needs.

Verdict: NO.

♦ ♦ ♦

ReelSF is a delightful blog for movie buffs, San Franciscans, and ex-San Franciscans. Each entry susses out the actual San Francisco locations of movies that were filmed there. Today it's Chan is Missing, but sometimes it's Vertigo, Experiment in Terror, The Laughing Policeman, or a movie I'd never heard of but have to see.

7/25/2024   

• • • Coming attractions • • •     

Gymkata (1985)
Gypsy 83 (2001)
Habit
(1997)
Hail
(1971/1973)
Hail, Caesar!
(2016)

... plus schlock, shorts, and surprises

— — —
Now accepting movie recommendations,
especially
starting with the letter 'H'.
Just add a comment, below.
— — —

Illustration by Jeff Meyer. Click any image to enlarge. Arguments & recommendations are welcome, but no talking once the lights dim, and only real butter on the popcorn, not that fake yellow stuff. 
 
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323 pounds of me

From Pathetic Life #2
Friday, July 22, 1994 

For the last few days, things have been happening — the mumbling man, and then the performance review. Well, don't get used to all that excitement, dear diary. Most days nothing much happens at all, and today was much more normal. Prepare to yawn.

I worked for eight hours, speaking two or three dull sentences to one or two dull people, and punching numbers off a thousand or so pieces of paper and into the database, which wasn't as exciting as it doesn't sound. The boss walked by — the lady who told me yesterday to be more outgoing and friendly and un-me — and I smiled at her and nodded and said "Fuck you" under my breath. The work line rang twice, and both times I let someone else answer.

♦ ♦ ♦

From work, I checked my messages, and Margaret had called from Washington. Her calls used to make me smile but now make me wary. Is she going to be nuts or weird or angry when I call back, or is she going to be Maggie? Would she even be Maggie if she wasn't nuts or weird or angry?

I stopped at the phone booth in front of my hotel and returned her call. It was a short conversation because I wanted to save some quarters for doing laundry. She wasn't unpleasant. I wasn't unpleasant. She's not much interested in living in San Francisco, and I'm still absolutely not living in Hayward. She says she might move to Hayward without me, and live with her sister and daughter. She says, instead of living together, maybe we could date like normal people.

We're not normal people, obviously, but maybe we could make it work. And that's where we left it, when the automated operator told me to deposit more quarters than I wanted to deposit.

♦ ♦ ♦

Sometimes I look at my nakedness and marvel, certainly not at the classical beauty of the human form, but that this body is even functional and not completely collapsed under so many grotesque mounds of fat. The last time I saw Dr Doogie Howser, they stood me on their heavy-duty scale and said I weighed 323 pounds. That's as much as two skinny but healthy men, wrapped into one man's flabby flesh.

After the sex disaster, when Maggie and I couldn't do what we wanted to do because my belly was in the way, I decided that I needed to lose some weight. But so far, deciding is all I've done. I haven't changed my extraordinarily awful eating habits. I'm still fat, still eating too much and then having seconds and thirds.

I don't eat for hunger or sustenance, but for entertainment and comfort. A full belly makes me happy, and a fuller belly makes me happier, and whenever I'm blue I'll devour another couple of peanut butter sandwiches. I'm often blue, and I eat lots of peanut butter sandwiches.

I've tried low-calorie diets, enough times to know that diets won't work for me. I lack the willpower. Some ancient Greek dude said, "Know thyself," and I know myself — I'm simply not going to eat tiny meals of undressed salad and a mayo-less watercress sandwich.

But, after thinking it over for a month and a half, I'm guess I'm ready to try eating more sensibly. For me that means, two McD double-cheeseburgers at lunch, instead of four. Bananas for snacks and dessert, instead of Snickers bars. And the experts say to eat slower, so you don't eat so much. The 'experts', of course, are all skinny bastards who've never been fat, but — I'll try.

Starting tomorrow.

I pledge not to bore you with constant updates on my success or, more likely, failure. There will be no menu plans here, no calorie counts, and I can't weigh myself — my scale only goes up to 300 pounds. This is not going to become a weight-loss zine, because nothing could be more boring than the diary of a fat slob trying to be less fat.

This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.


Alone again, naturally

In only a month of retirement, I've done plenty of gallivanting and I'm having a swell time. Always I'm looking for fun stuff and new things to do.

There's a pinball parlor in Seattle that lets you play all day for one admission, and walk-on only ferries across Elliott Bay, and I've discovered the world's finest sub sandwich shop, and I'm becoming a familiar face at the art/indy theaters, and frequently eating a picnic, in a different park every time.

All the above and almost everything I do, I do alone. I'm a hermit, which is not a joke or an exaggeration — people get on my nerves at the speed of conversation, So being alone is usually my preferred state. It never stops me from doing what I want to do.

CRANKY
OLD FART

#440  [archive]
JULY 24, 2024

Yet even I, the great loner, know that some things are better shared. My few friends are not adventurous, though, and my family is anti-adventurous.

Other than a meal in a restaurant, there is no-one who'd come with me for an 'intellectshul' lecture, a night in a bar, a drag show, or even a movie if it's not about superheroes or Jesus (greatest superhero of them all!).

So it's always, "Ticket for one, please. Senior discount." Which is a little sad, but only when I think about it, and I'm not much for thinking about stuff.

Joining Folio a few days ago might help me find a compadre or two. I've also eaten the discount lunch at my local senior center, where everyone sits at the same tables, but all the oldsters I chatted with wanted to chat about church.

And so it goes. Are personal ads still a thing?

A pig of a man, Donald Trump, is running for President, and the polls suggest it's a close race. He's a fascist, but half of America loves that, so whatareyagonna do? Trump is so obviously the dumbest, meanest, worst statesman to ever be President, but if Americans are stupid enough to hire him for that job again, well, it's been a wild experiment for 248 years but all good things must come to an end.

With a monster roaring at us, it's hilarious to think that America's 'defense' is up to the Democrats. I've been watching the Dem Party for many years, and I seriously doubt they even want to win elections. They're the Washington Generals — their job is to show up and look credible, while the Globetrotters romp. There's more money in being "the loyal opposition."

Now that Biden's been bumped and Harris is the candidate, things seem slightly more optimistic. She's worse than Biden politically, but she's a better public speaker, more capable of rousing crowds and igniting a sliver of voter enthusiasm.

It's also nice that she'd be 'only' 60 if she's sworn in, a spring chicken among the dusty diaper-clad geriatrics of Washington DC.

OK, enough of me rambling. Here's the newscast: 

Tragically famous wingnut tees up Supreme Court to reverse marriage equality ruling 

School district settles lawsuit, will charge school Satan clubs the same rent as Jesus clubs 

Federal judge tosses Republican-backed Ohio restrictions on disabled voters 

In addition to being a rotten human and general prick, Elon Musk is also a ghastly father 

Google makes abrupt U-turn by dropping plan to remove ad-tracking cookies on Chrome browser 

Remember, you're not the customer at Google, you're the product.

Israel's occupation of Palestine is illegal, says The Hague, and should be reversed… which is nice, but doesn't matter because Israel laughs at the UN and International Court of Justice, bwa ha!

Botanists vote to remove racist reference from plants' scientific names 

Excerpt: The effect of the vote will be that all plants, fungi and algae names that contain the word caffra, which originates in insults made against Black people, will be replaced by the word affra to denote their African origins. More than 200 species will be affected, including the coast coral tree, which, from 2026, will be known as Erythrina affra instead of Erythrina caffra.

Climate emergency: 

Extreme heat may be crucial factor in human spread of bird flu, and we've got extreme heat in extremes, so chirp chirp croak.

Heatwave dries up lake in Serbia, triggers fires in Balkan 'extreme weather event' 

It's going to hit 90 degrees in Alaska this week 

World registers hottest day ever as heatwaves scorch planet 

... but there's nothing to worry about, la di da, la di da.

Republican roundup: 

Trump supporters say ear bandages are 'sign of love' 

Trump offers supporters $299 assassination attempt-themed sneakers 

Former TrumpOrg CFO is released from jail after serving 100 days for lying during investigation (but I'm sure it was a youthful indiscretion and he's actually a great guy)

Texas Governor says he'll continue human trafficking to librul places 

Trump said he had no idea who suggested Jamie Dimon as Treasury Secretary (it was him) 

Republican sure is sorry for threatening civil war if Trump loses 2024 election 

Conservatives use shooting at Trump rally to attack DEI efforts at Secret Service, because if every agent was white and male, why, Saint Donald wouldn't have to wear a tampon on his ear.

All cops are bastards: 

Illinois deputy is charged with 1st-degree murder for shooting woman in the face after she'd called 9-1-1 

Washington county will close jail and pay $2.5M to family after man's suicide in solitary dungeon 

Los Angeles Sheriff's Department investigated reporter, and falsely implicated the department's own "constitutional policing advisor"

Michigan's top court says it's OK to run from the cops if they have no legitimate reason to stop you, so run and die for your rights! 

⚡ LINKS FOR THINKS ⚡

A guide to the coming attacks on Kamala Harris 

Kevin Drum takes the trouble to debunk the latest Trump speech full of lies and nonsense 

The secret to living longer: join a club 

We need to be willing to use terms like "Fascism" when they apply, even if it makes us uncomfortable. 

How to cope with your local police department being defunded after it was never defunded 

Here's what happens when you give people free money 

This principal would've been fired so quick at the high school I usually skipped. [VIDEO]

⚰️  DEAD PEOPLE  ⚰️

Robert Allen
exonerated Port Chicago victims 

Lou Dobbs
bullshitter 

Claes H. Dohlman
artificial cornea 

Abdul 'Duke' Fakir
rock'n'roller, the Four Tops 

Jerry Fuller
songwriter, "Young Girl"

Ron Gee
activist 

Aanvi Kamdar
'influencer' 

John Mayall
rock'n'roller, the Bluesbreakers 

Thomas Neff
diplomat outta nowhere 

Bob Newhart
actor/comedian, The Bob Newhart Show 

Cheng Pei Pei
actress, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 

Ray Reardon
6-time snooker champion

Grace Rohloff
hiker 

Kenzie Smith
activist

  7/24/2024   

Cranky Old Fart is annoyed and complains and very occasionally offers a kindness, along with anything off the internet that's made me smile or snarl. All opinions fresh from my ass. Top illustration by Jeff Meyer. Click any image to enlarge. Comments & conversations invited. 

Tip 'o the hat to the AVA, Bleepity-Bleep, Breakfast at Ralf's, Chuff, Dirty Blonde Mind, It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time, Jesus Is My Hostage, Lemmy.world, Looking for My Perfect Sandwich, A Sudden Violent Jerk, Mr Souza's Happy Place, Voenix Rising, and anywhere else I've stolen links, illustrations, or inspiration.

Special thanks to Linden Arden, Becky Jo, Wynn Bruce, Joey Jo Jo emeritus, Jeff Meyer, John the Basket, Dave S, Name Withheld, and always extra special thanks to my lovely late Stephanie, who gave me 21 years and proved that the world isn't always shitty.

Cranky Old Fart
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