NEVERENDING FILM FESTIVAL #393
every movie ever made, in alphabetical order
(we’re in the I’s, with random anti-alphabetical cheats)
Ill Gotten Gains (2023)
I’ll Never Forget You (1951)
I’ll Never Heil Again (1941)
I’ll Wait for the Next One (2002)
Illegal (1955)
Ill Gotten Gains (2023)
Amid ominous music and poor lighting, a woman meets with a Congressman. She wants to know how the Stryker defense contract is progressing, and the music grows more ominous, the dialogue more cryptic and mumbly. The lighting fades from 40 watts to 25.
Other stuff happens in this too-long short, but it’s gangster stuff, not political stuff. It’s told seriously, but I shrug and scratch my head. Yes and of course, American politics is a cesspool of corruption and kickbacks, but none of this is what happens when you ask your Congressman a question.
Verdict: NO.
♦ ♦ ♦
I’ll Never Forget You (1951)
aka The House on the Square
A 1950s nuclear physicist gets struck by lightning, which somehow sends him back seven generations, allowing quality time with long-dead branches of his family tree, and smoochy-woochy with his great-great-great-grand-cousin. Being a scientist, he pre-invents the light bulb, which is not a bright idea while witchcraft is still a crime.
All this cries out for Vincent Price or Peter Lorre or any actor with snap-crackle-pop, but instead it’s Tyrone Power in the lead, and he’s never interesting, always needs a shave. He’s supposed to be a whiz at science, so it’s a cheat that instead of inventing a time machine, his century-switch is propelled by that coincidental bolt of lightning.
To its credit, the film briefly glances at the class divisions, poverty, and cruelty of the olden era. It finds no fault with our glorious ‘present’ age, however.
I’ll Never Forget You is a remake of a movie I haven’t seen, Berkeley Square (1933). Didn’t know that when I watched it, and it left me no hankering to see the original.
Verdict: MAYBE.
♦ ♦ ♦
I’ll Never Heil Again (1941)
“Marshall Herring, our first move is to kick the stuffing out of Turkey.”
Here’s a Three Stooges short made and released mere months before the USA got bombed into WW1. It’s startling but funny to see Moe wearing the toothbrush mustache and a swastika, playing the top moron in Moronia. Curly is Goebbels, wearing a military uniform with so many medals they wrap around onto his backside. Larry is Larry.
People say the Stooges’ comedy is stupid, and I’ve said it too, but this is fairly clever, including some dare-I-exaggerate almost MarxBros-level wordplay. There’s a map of Europe on Hitler’s wall, where every country gets a funny name, and the camera holds on the map for about a minute, giving you time to get every joke. Most of the jokes are worth getting.
“I’ll show those Axis partners a two or thing, or three or four.”
Verdict: YES.
♦ ♦ ♦
I’ll Wait for the Next One (2002)
This French romantic brevity is set on the subway, and has convincing performances, fine camerawork, effective music, and a mean punchline. Then, a list of 13 companies that made the meanness possible. And it was nominated for an Oscar™.
Verdict: NO.
♦ ♦ ♦
Illegal (1955)
Is this going to be something vile about illegal immigration? Thankfully, no. An innocent man is sent to the electric chair, but the movie isn’t about that, either. It’s focused on the crusading district attorney (Edward G Robinson) who unknowingly got that wrong man convicted, who quickly quits the job, takes up heavy drinking, and becomes defense attorney for the dregs of the criminal world.
Illegal is a minor potboiler with too many far-fetched twists, but the scoundrelling and scumminess make fine entertainment. Watch the lawyers squirm!
Nina Foch and Hugh Marlowe (ugh) co-star, with smaller bits for Ellen Corby, Jayne Mansfield, Edward Platt, and DeForest Kelley with his name misspelled in the credits, playing the innocent but executed schlump.
Co-written by W.R. Burnett (the original Scarface, The Great Escape) and James R. Webb (Cape Fear, How the West Was Won), based on a story by Frank Collins. Collins has only three IMDB credits, which might all be remakes of each other — this, The Man Who Talked Too Much (“DA quits after wrongly convicting an innocent man”), and The Mouthpiece (“Prosecutor becomes a defense attorney after an innocent man is sent to an electric chair”).
Directed by Lewis Allen, who did some nifty noirs (Appointment with Danger, Suddenly) before fading into a long career in episodic TV.
Verdict: YES.
6/27/2025
Logo illustration by Jeff Meyer. No talking once the lights dim, and only real butter on the popcorn, not that fake yellow stuff.
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