I should be on a diet, and I’m trying.

Also I should be on a budget, and I’m trying.

I’m a fat guy, though, so when I see an interesting restaurant and the prices aren’t too high, I’ll probably eat there eventually, especially if there’s a big sign that says “Burgers.”

At Coastline Burgers in West Seattle, the sign that says “burgers” is big indeed, and brighter than the sign that says “Coastline.” That has to be a good omen, right?

Another sign at the door says “No cash accepted,” but it also explains how they do business — you can tap this, swipe that, use fingerprints, retina scans, or rectal imprints, but they also take credit and debit cards. I have pretty good debit, so I stepped inside.

No humans were at the counter, only electronic devices. Oh, this is very sci-fi, I thought, but I love Doctor Who, so I walked up to one of the devices where the screen invited me to order. The options were burgers, sides, shakes, seasonal specials, kids, and sauces.

I clicked “burgers,” which took me to a page with pictures and descriptions of several burgers, and I selected their namesake Coastline Burger. “Add to cart.” It’s like eating at Amazon.com, but mmmm, lunch was coming soon.

I clicked “sides,” which took me to a screen offering only one choice: french fries. Darn, that’s disappointing. I’d rather have onion rings, but fries are OK if they’re done right, so fries it was. “Add to cart.

“Where’s the “drinks” button, though? I wanted a Diet Coke, but didn’t see “drinks.” I looked again, because my wife used to say I could miss anything, even if it was right in front of my face, and yup, found a button that said “NA Beverages.” Can’t guess what NA means, but OK. (Thanks, Stephanie.)

They sell soda in cans, a local brand called “Seattle Soda,” made with cane sugar, it says. There’s one diet flavor, which also says it’s made with cane sugar, but it’s moot because all four flavors were marked “out of stock.” This is a burger joint with no soda?

Well, here’s a button that says “Shakes.” I’m lactose intolerant — dairy makes my farts radioactive, and gives me loose, liquid poops — but I still love a good milk shake, so I clicked it, and it took me to pictures and descriptions of strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate milk shakes. Strawberry is my favorite, vanilla my second choice, but both were marked as “out of stock,” so I sighed and clicked chocolate, added it to my cart, but—

They’ve invested in three or four high-tech devices to take people’s orders, at a restaurant where the only drink they’re selling is a chocolate milk shake? That’s my least favorite milk shake, and anyway, what is this, the Soviet Union? Screw it.

Couldn’t figure an option to cancel my order, so the burger and fries were still in my “cart” when I left. Maybe I’ll try a Coastline Burger some other day, but not today, not with second-choice fries and a third-choice chocolate shake.

The next afternoon, still yearning for a good burger, I found myself in a different part of town, and walked into Smokey’s Char-Broiled. The sign doesn’t say what’s char-broiled, but it’s not a secret. It’s burgers.

Smokey’s is the kind of place my Dad took us for burgers when we were kids (but not often enough). It’s been in the same building since hippies roamed the earth, and there are chipped bricks on the wall, a menu board with plastic letters and numbers, and mounted photos of burgers, faded by decades of weather.

There are no screens taking your order, only people. They accept debit and credit cards, but also take cash. Imagine that.

As you might guess, the burgers were sloppy, greasy, and marvelous, with lettuce, mustard, ketchup, ample onions, and mayo, or maybe it was some super-secret sauce. Eating it was like an out-of-body experience, without the hassle of getting out of my body.

There were onion rings, and they were hot, crispy, and delicious.

Smokey’s has about a dozen flavors of milk shakes, none of which were “out of stock.” Mine was pineapple, and it was perfection, with bits of actual pineapple. It was absolutely worth the lactose-fueled farts and explosions that came a few hours after.

Here’s a tip, though — with Smokey’s milk shakes, don’t bother with a straw. The shake is thick, baby, and you won’t be able to suck it up. Drink it, or spoon it.

Fair prices, and the guy taking your order tells you how long the wait will be. After saying thanks, his last words with me, with every customer, were always along the lines of, “That’ll be $9.70, and it’ll take about five minutes.” My meal arrived right on schedule, too.

Now I have a diner (Mrs Rigby’s) and a burger joint (Smokey’s Char-Broiled) in Seattle. I’m still looking for some good, reasonably-priced fish’n’chips, and Smokey’s has fish’n’chips on the menu. I’ll try ’em the next time I’m there.

Actually, even though I was full and belching, it took all my limited willpower not to walk back in after eating the burger, and order the fish’n’chips.

Coastline Burgers
4444 California Ave SW, West Seattle
Food & drink: ?
Price: A bit expensive
Service: None
Transit: #C, #22, #50, #57, #128, #773
Verdict: NO.

Smokey’s Char-Broiled
12806 1st Ave S, Burien WA
Food & drink: Very good
Price: Ordinary
Service: Good
Transit: #131
Verdict: YES.

5/7/2022
Original pubication

Cheap Seattle

Affordable eats

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