by Joe Gallo
a/k/a Captain Hampockets
Sunday, November 18, 2012
I used to write, When I was a child. Now, as an adult, I know that I have nothing to say that hasn't been said better and more eloquently by someone a hundred years dead. What balls I must have had to think that there would be anyone in this world that wants to read what I have to say!
If Andy Rooney had never been born, I'd have a sterling career ahead of me! My head is full up to here with his style of pointless outrage. I can't get myself really worked up about Benghazi, or whatever the fuck the newscasters are on about, but by God, if I see that cartoon bear with dingleberries again, I'm going to lose it!
I have a filthy mind. If Larry Flint could look in there, he'd exclaim, "My goodness, Chi, that's disgusting! By the way, would it be too much if I actually showed her cervix in the centerfold of next month's Barely Legal?"
But when I'm watching TV, I'm shockingly prudish. Actually, "Prudish" is imprecise. I just want decency in my TV commercials.
For example, I know exactly what diapers are for. I know that they are sometimes leaky, and that can be gross. But I don't need to see a commercial for Luvs in which the concept is that there are babies on stage for a pageant, and the winner of the pageant is the baby who shits the most into their diaper! I mean, seriously, they're about to shower the crowd in feces!
And don't get me started on tampon commercials. We're all adults here, and I am fully aware of how the human reproductive cycle works, but dammit, I know for a fact that my wife doesn't want to "celebrate" her period. Sometimes I think she'd pay me to kick her in the head to take her mind off the cramps. Sometimes I want to pay her for the same service. But no talking box is going to make anyone around here celebrate.
Hmmm. Maybe I'll send a resume to 60 Minutes...
11/18/2012
Republished by me 8/25/2024
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