I should be on a diet, and I’m trying, sort of. Also I should be on a budget, and I’m trying.

Being a fat guy, though, when I see an interesting restaurant and the prices aren’t too high, I’ll probably eat there eventually, especially if there’s a big sign that says “Burgers.”

At Coastline Burgers in West Seattle, the sign that says “burgers” is big indeed, and brighter than the sign that says “Coastline.” That has to be a good omen, right?

Another sign at the door says “No cash accepted,” but it then explains how they do business — you can tap this, swipe that, use fingerprints, retina scans, or rectal imprints, but they also take credit and debit cards. No credit cards or credit rating for me, but I’m a modern man of the 1980s, so there’s a debit card in my wallet. Apparently, I’d be allowed to eat at Coastline Burgers.

Inside, no humans were at the counter, only electronic devices. Oh, this is very sci-fi, I thought, but I love Doctor Who, so I walked up to one of the devices where the screen invited me to order. The options were burgers, sides, shakes, seasonal specials, kids, and sauces.

I clicked “burgers,” which took me to a page with pictures and descriptions of several burgers, and I selected their namesake Coastline Burger. “Add to cart.” It’s like eating at Amazon.com.

I clicked “sides,” which took me to a screen offering only one choice: french fries. That’s disappointing, because I’d rather have onion rings or deep-fried peat moss, but fries are OK if they’re done right, so fries it was. I clicked, “Add to cart.”

Where’s the “drinks” button, though? I wanted a Diet Coke, but didn’t see “drinks.” I looked again, because my wife used to say I could miss anything, even if it was right in front of my face, and yup, found a button that said “NA Beverages.” Can’t guess what NA means, but OK. (Thanks, Stephanie.)

They sell soda in cans, only a local brand called “Seattle Soda,” made with cane sugar, it says. There’s one diet flavor, which also says it’s made with cane sugar, which seems unlikely. It’s moot, though, because all four flavors were marked “out of stock.” This is a burger joint with no soda?

Wait, here’s a button that says “Shakes.” I’m lactose intolerant — dairy makes my farts radioactive, and gives me loose, liquid poops — but I still love a good milk shake, so I clicked, and the screen jumped to pictures and descriptions of strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate milk shakes. Strawberry is my favorite, vanilla my second choice, but both were marked as “out of stock.” I sighed and clicked chocolate, added it to my cart, but—

They’ve invested in three or four electronic devices to take people’s orders, instead of humans. That’s weird and unwelcoming.

And it’s a burger joint where the only drink available is a chocolate shake? That’s my least favorite milk shake.

And why is everything out of stock? What is this, the West Seattle Soviet Union? Screw it.

Spent half a minute trying to find an option to cancel my order, but there’s no such option, so the burger and fries were still in my “cart” when I left.

But I’d wanted a burger, and continued wanting a burger, even as I came home and ate something non-burgery for dinner. I dreamed of burgers overnight, and wanted burgers for breakfast, so I took a #131 bus to Smokey’s Char-Broiled. The sign doesn’t say what’s char-broiled, but it’s burgers.

Smokey’s is the kind of place my Dad took us for burgers when we were kids (but not often enough). It’s been in the same building since hippies roamed the earth, and there are chipped bricks on the wall, a menu board with plastic letters and numbers, and mounted photos of burgers, faded by decades of weather.

Most promising, there are no screens taking your order. They have employees! They accept debit and credit cards, but also take cash! So it’s a real place, not a website masquerading as a burger joint.

The burgers at Smokey’s Char-Broiled were not out of stock. Instead they were sloppy, greasy, and marvelous, with lettuce, mustard, ketchup, ample onions, and mayo, or maybe it was some super-secret sauce. Every bite was an out-of-body experience, without the hassle of getting out of my body.

There were onion rings, and they were hot, crispy, and delicious.

Smokey’s has about a dozen flavors of milk shakes, and I went with pineapple, which was perfection, with bits of actual pineapple. It was absolutely worth the lactose-fueled farts and explosions that came a few hours after.

Here’s a tip, though — with Smokey’s milk shakes, don’t bother with a straw. The shake is thick, baby, and you won’t be able to suck it up. Drink it, or spoon it.

Fair prices, and the guy taking your order tells how long the wait will be. After saying thanks, his last words with me, with every customer, were always along the lines of, “It’ll take about five minutes.” My meal arrived right on schedule, too.

Now I have a diner (Mrs Rigby’s) and a burger joint (Smokey’s Char-Broiled) in Seattle. I’m still looking for some good, reasonably-priced fish’n’chips, and Smokey’s has fish’n’chips on the menu. I’ll try ’em the next time I’m there.

Actually, even though I was full and belching, it took all my limited willpower not to walk back in after eating the burger, and order the fish’n’chips.

♦ ♦ ♦

Speaking of restaurants, here’s a firm rule, never violated unless someone else is buying: If there’s no menu posted outside, I’m not going in.

Every affordable eatery, and even many expensive restaurants, post the prices outside. If there’s no info on pricing until you’ve stepped inside, it’s overpriced.

♦ ♦ ♦

The pot I piss into is plastic, watertight, and works fine, but it’s translucent — you can see when it’s full of yellowy liquid. Being a delicate flower of masculinity, when my door opens and the piss pot is visible on the table, or when I’m carrying it across the kitchen toward the bathroom, I’d prefer a piss pot that doesn’t announce it’s a piss pot.

Your suggestions are invited: My new and improved piss pot needs to be watertight, obviously, with a screw-on not a snap-on lid. It needs to be unbreakable, so let’s rule out glass, ceramics, and porcelain. And the less it weighs the better, because I’m wimpy.

Discuss.

♦ ♦ ♦

Meet Sir Matthew Hale, the 17th century misogynist that Justice Alito mentioned 9 times in his leaked SCOTUS opinion 

Why didn’t Congress codify abortion rights?

The criminalization of abortion: What to expect in a post-Roe United States

♦ ♦ ♦  

Providence gears up to provide reparations to Black residents 

♦ ♦ ♦  

Anna Jarvis, who founded Mother’s Day in 1908, passionately opposed its growing commercialization and eventually campaigned against the holiday. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Supreme Court leaks are good, actually. Let’s have more of them 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

A California startup is offering cocoon-like pods to allow 14 residents to share a single house as an escape from soaring rents and real estate prices 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

One-word newscast, because it’s the same news every time…
• climate • climate • climate
• cops • cops • cops
• Republicans 

♦ ♦ ♦

The End
• Judy Henske
• George Perez

5/7/2022

Cranky Old Fart is annoyed and complains and very occasionally offers a kindness, along with anything off the internet that’s made me smile or snarl. All opinions fresh from my ass. Top illustration by Jeff Meyer. Click any image to enlarge. Comments & conversations invited.

Tip ‘o the hat to All Hat No Cattle, Linden Arden, ye olde AVA, BoingBoing, Breakfast at Ralf’s, Captain Hampockets, CaptCreate’s Log, John the Basket, LiarTownUSA, Meme City, National Zero, Ran Prieur, Voenix Rising, and anyone else whose work I’ve stolen without saying thanks.

Extra special thanks to Becky Jo, Name Withheld, Dave S., and always Stephanie…

Cranky Old Fart

Cheap Seattle

itsdougholland.com
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