Bugged, and other observations

I’ve been vegan at home and vegetarian on the road since May, so … four months now.

Vegetarian is easy, but vegan is harder, because there aren’t many pre-packaged vegan TV dinners, and I’m a lazy slob who doesn’t want to cook.

And I mean it. Don’t send “easy” recipes, because I am not going to measure this much of that and that much of this and wash eleven dishes afterward, just to have one meal for one person. That’s cooking, man, and I don’t want to cook.

Bought some unMeat™, a vegan Spam knockoff, and one of these days I’ll have a fried fake-spam sandwich, but the can’s been in my pantry for weeks and that sandwich ain’t happened yet. See, cutting the fake-spam and oiling the pan and waiting while it sizzles and then flipping the fake-spam and waiting for it to sizzle again — it’ll only take five minutes, but that’s cooking, man, and I don’t want to cook.

Meals at home are sandwiches, maybe with canned, boiled vegetables on the side, or more likely corn chips, or I might take a box of something from the freezer, peel back a corner, and let it rotate in the microwave.

Last night was an especially extravagant supper: I boiled water (!) and dropped frozen squash ravioli into it. That’s as much cooking as I can stand.

Of course, the water and the pan and me sitting on a squeaky chair made sound in the kitchen, which signaled my talkative flatmate Dean to come out of his room and babble at me. He read the ravioli bag, out loud. He looked over my shoulder as I stirred the pot. He asked what sauce I’d be adding, and I didn’t answer because Fuck off, Dean, but the ravioli is fine with no sauce at all. And no butter, cuz I’m vegan at home.

Then I drained the ravioli and escaped into my room to eat, straight from the pot. It was good, and I recommend Bettergoods Butternut Squash Ravioli — reasonably priced, vegan, tastes good.

Halfway through dinner, a flying thing bigger than a gnat but smaller than a housefly circled over the pot and maybe got trapped in an invisible plume of heat rising up (?) cuz it went straight down, vertical & plop, landing on a hot ravioli. The heat or the shock killed the bug, I assume, because it didn’t fly off, didn’t crawl, just laid there, perfectly centered on a ravioli piece, which I stabbed onto my next sporkful.

That bug got chewed and swallowed with the squash and pasta, and in taste or texture it neither added nor subtracted from the ravioli experience. As I swallowed, though, I realized that eating a bug is technically eating meat, and I’m not a meat-eater any more.

It’s a hard habit to break. An addiction. My name is Doug and I’m vegan at home, vegetarian on the road, and now it’s been one day since I ate meat.

♦ ♦ ♦

“Orange Man bad” is a sarcastic phrase heard in right-wing circles, mocking opposition to Donald Trump. It’s also a concise, workable, accurate summation of US politics and policies over the past decade.

Orange Man has help from lots of co-conspirator Republicans, but he alone is the most malevolent presence ever seen in American government. His every instinct is theft, violence, cruelty. He lies constantly and about everything. He cannot be reasoned with, and as President he’s surrounded himself with the most deplorable people in the country.

The acknowledgment that any goal Trump pursues is wrong, evil, to be opposed by anyone decent, is simply a truism, self-evident and inarguable.

‘Inarguable’ as in, let’s not talk about it. Others may discuss whether Orange Man is bad or explain how Orange Man is bad, but I’m old, and don’t have life enough left to waste it chatting with idiots, the uninformed or misinformed, or the millions of deplorables. If you don’t already know, or you disagree and maintain that Orange Man isn’t bad, shut the hell up or talk about baseball.

And OK, I’ll take my meds. The restraints won’t be necessary, this time…

(Inspired by and somewhat plagiarized from a thread at Grudgie the Whale’s page.)

♦ ♦ ♦

Teetering on the brink has become my normal. Of course, I’ve been mentally teetering for as long as I can remember, but now my physical health teeters, too. I’m old. My knee is shot, and everything else takes turns aching.

But mostly, less and less patience remains for the bullshit of ordinary life — not just all the idiots but even doing the laundry, cleaning my room, taking out the trash. If a shrink could see into my skull I’d be committed, and if any ‘authorities’ could see my bedroom they’d have thiswing of the house condemned. Fuck ’em all, though.

Srsly, fuck ’em all, and fuck the world. I am fairly happy and ain’t harming anyone or planning to, so fuck you, fuck them, fuck ’em all, and leave me alone.

Everyone’s teetering on the brink of insanity, aren’t we? I see it in strangers on the bus or sidewalk, anyone I talk with, and especially all the people I know. Maybe they don’t look crazy, but not looking crazy is just an act.

All of America is barely coping, even (or especially) anyone who seems at ease, comfortably in control of their lives with rewarding friendships and a loving family. Someone somewhere probably fits that description, same as someone somewhere wins every lottery, but the rest of us struggle constantly against our internal and external insecurities in this overworked, underpaid, daily dangerous and horrendously unjust society.

Or, possibly it’s projection, the psychological defense mechanism where you imagine your own foibles and emotions are shared by someone… anyone… everyone. Perhaps I’m the only one so tremendously ill at ease among the millions, billions of shiny, happy humans.

6/24/2026

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13 responses to “Bugged, and other observations”

  1. Jonathan Avatar
    Jonathan

    Have you been eating chickpeas at all? If plain ravioli is your baseline, I think you’ll also tolerate canned, drained chickpeas with some seasoning mix (I use “roasted chicken seasoning” (vegan of course, but *for* chicken, hence the name) or goulash seasoning). Maybe add cherry tomatos or something like that. Sorry if I’m bothering you with my chickpea obsession, I know I have been mentioning them in a lot of my comments. I just bought 12 more cans a few hours ago.

    Regarding that last section: you’ve been sounding really depressed in the past year or so, in a lot more posts than before. Just thought I’d tell you.

    “All of America is barely coping, even (or especially) anyone who seems at ease […].” – I’m not American of course but I feel the opposite, I often feel like I’m very alone with everything I go through. Maybe it’s the age. I’ve been feeling very angry at non-vegans (including my family and friends) recently. I know it’s totally unproductive but I just can’t let the feeling go. I hope I’ll someday be at peace with it.

    1. Claude Reigns Avatar
      Claude Reigns

      The least you could do is call them by their more entertaining name, “Garbanzos.”

      1. Doug Holland Avatar

        Movie reviews tomorrow. Get all excited!

        1. Claude Reigns Avatar
          Claude Reigns

          Have you seen The Chase (1946)? Man alive, this was the best noir surprise since I saw Detour for the first time. Wild movie. Highly recommended.

          1. Doug Holland Avatar

            Saw it, or most of it, but fell asleep. I’ll give it another look.

          2. Doug Holland Avatar

            *Much* better than I’d thought, but I’m confused: Is the middle section Scotty’s hallucination?

            1. Claude Reigns Avatar
              Claude Reigns

              It seems to me like every 15 minutes is different character’s dream… such a strange, disjointed flick. I can imagine David Lynch liking it. I do think there’s a lack of real hefty content – unlike other noirs, In a Lonely Place, etc. – so it’s more of a noir “exercise” I guess, but I love it.

              1. Doug Holland Avatar

                Well, I like it a lot more on this rerun (watched it twice yesterday) than the first time I saw it. Unlike damned near every other movie ever made with a dream sequence, it’s never quite clear what’s a dream, even afterward. Which bugs me, but also impresses me. Might have to watch it a third or fourth time.

      2. Jonathan Avatar
        Jonathan

        Sorry, next time I’ll call them giggle beans.

        1. Doug Holland Avatar

          Love this word, and I’m adopting it. Giggle beans for dinner tonight, soon as Dean gets his obnoxious ass out of the kitchen.

    2. Doug Holland Avatar

      More beans are coming in tomorrow’s delivery: four cans of chickpeas/garbonzos, eight cans of generic baked beans.

      Oh yeah, I’m very alone in everything I do. There’s no feeling of comradery with all the other crazies, we’re not going to dinner or anything, I just notice that we are legion.

      Depression? Well, I guess, but I don’t think of it as such. I’m a fat guy, old and in poor health, with no money, no insurance. This is the last chapter, that’s all, but I’m still turning pages and enjoying it.

      Somewhere I saw some remarkable video of cows playing, leaving no doubt in me that they’re as smart and friendly as dogs, maybe moreso. (Not that smart and friendly should be the deciding factor.)

      But Jonathan, people are awful — you’ll never convince most of ’em to respect other living things. Cripes, most humans don’t even respect humans. Best you can do is put the idea out there, and know that you’re getting through to a few folks (like me).

      1. Jonathan Avatar
        Jonathan

        “you’ll never convince most of ’em” — yeah, I’m mostly not trying to. I just talk about the topic because I care about it, but I’m obviously not responsible for other peoples actions. It sounds so abstract when you talk about respect and compare meat eating to not respecting other humans, but I feel sad every time I see animal body parts in the grocery store; and my friends/family are paying for it. It’s just so depressing.

        Before I went vegan I have always felt quite positively towards others, I don’t ask of anyone to put in any particular effort to be “nice,” as long as they’re not harming anyone significantly. But I realized that they do. Being vegan has become the bare minimum for me.

        Maybe I wouldn’t feel as negatively about it if I’d be surrounded by mostly vegans, but I’m unfortunately confronted with meat eaters every day.

        1. Doug Holland Avatar

          So many things make me furious — America’s letting Trump live in the White House instead of a penitentiary, and people crawl into the shrubs to sleep at night and die of infections because medical care is traded only for money, and we’re always fifteen minutes from killing everyone on Earth if the wrong maniac’s in a bad mood, and one man has trillions while billions barely have squat, on and on, so many chances to be furious. I’m not as mad as you, but I’m definitely infuriated that millions and millions of animals have an absolute shit existence for their entire lives, all so we can have cheap cheeseburgers.

          But these things only make me furious when I stop and think about it. Usually, I refuse to stop and think, because jesus fuck man, how can anyone make it through even one day on this stinking globe unless they turn their awareness off at least most of the time?

          If you lack the ability to turn it off, wow, that’s gotta be really sad or ulcermaking. And I have nothing but respect for anyone who can do that, but also I’m so glad I can switch it off.

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