NEVERENDING FILM FESTIVAL #391

every movie ever made, in alphabetical order
(we’re in the I’s, with random anti-alphabetical cheats)

If I Were King (1938)

Everyone in this film talks like the 20th century, even the poet, but early in the flick he recites a poem in stilted olde English like Shakespeare. I am, of course, resistant to both poetry and olde English, plus it’s a costume drama set in the 15th century, and I frickin’ abhor costume dramas.

All through the first act, I was bored brainless and hoping to write a review savaging all the dead actors and moviemakers involved. Eventually, though, the story gets interesting. Turns out the poet is a rogue at heart, and there’s swordplay, with plenty of barbed quips and democratic platitudes.

The script is by the great Preston Sturges (The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek, Sullivan’s Travels, etc), based on a play, which was based on a novel, which was allegedly based on historical fact.

Poet guy is Francois Villon (Ronald Colman), who kills a treasonous minion of King Louis XI (Basil Rathbone)’s court. In gratitude, the enjoyably eccentric or insane king appoints the poet “knight of the golden buckle and grand constable of France,” but the king and poetic rogue can never quite be friends.

The poetry and costumes are minor subtractions, but the rest of this is snarky dialogue, romance, and some swashbuckling hints of justice. Tally ho!

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

If This Be Sin (1949)
a/k/a That Dangerous Age

Some rich British lawyer has a breakdown in court, which leaves him temporarily blind. He’s cool with it, shows none of the worry or panic of any ordinary human who’s struck sightless, and remains chipper and charming until he insists that his wife read an unsigned letter that’s come in the mail. The letter accuses her of having an affair with temporarily blind dude’s junior partner at the law firm.

His blindness comes with a six-month expiration date, and after that he’s told his sight will return. As a trained and licensed ophthalmologist, this happy timeline strikes me as ludicrous, but the plotline is ludicrous, too.

Myrna Loy and Roger Livesey lead the cast, but whatever made them movie stars isn’t evident here. I don’t give a rip about strangers’ marital infidelities, especially in a rather distasteful and tedious melodrama that provides no reason to care.

Verdict: NO.

♦ ♦ ♦

Igby Goes Down (2002)

Igby (Kieran Culkin) is an almost-18-year-old boy, raised in money and privilege and private schools. He sees his education and life as somewhat ridiculous, and he’s right. His dad’s a mental case, his mom’s a cancerous prickette, his older brother is a Young Republican, and Igby is rebellious and disobedient, and has flunked out of all the fanciest prep schools.

It’s a lot, asking the audience to sympathize with a rich, sarcastic, spoiled teenager, but Culkin makes him likable. When I saw this film with my wife 20-some years ago, we mildly loved it, but her death has rendered me a cold-hearted bastard, and the movie’s not as good without her.

Also, the women in this picture — Claire Danes, Amanda Peet, and Susan Sarandon as ‘girlfriend’, ‘mistress’, and ‘mother’, respectively — are all more interesting than Igby. That’s the way of most Hollywood movies, but it’s extra annoying in this one, because all three are terrific.

Written and directed by Burr Steers (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies), Igby Goes Down is smart and funny and definitely recommended, but it’s slick as a carnival barker. Igby is always sane and smart while everyone else is flawed or phony, he speaks highfalutin and college-educated though he’s only a teenager, and all the movie’s dramatic scenes end with a poignant pop song.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

When I was a kid, I hated school more than “hated school” can convey. The classes were boring, the other kids bullied me, and being tremendously introverted since birth, there were never many friends. I skipped class whenever and however possible, until finally and triumphantly dropping out of high school.

Through about 4th grade, if I’d been sick as often as I moaned and groaned and pretended to be sick, it would’ve been fatal. Mom & Dad were pretty sure I was faking, and devised a clever way to punish me: On days I’d been suspiciously ‘sick’, Dad would come home from work and announce that he was taking us all to the movies that night — except me, of course, because if I’d been too sick to go to school, I was too sick to go to the movies. I stayed home with a babysitter.

By the time I’d figured out better methods for truancy — simply leaving home with my books and lunchpail but going somewhere, anywhere else instead — I’d missed a dozen movie nights with the family. I’m still pissed about it, so tonight I’m watching a double feature of two movies I wasn’t allowed to see…

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

Widower and screwball inventor Caractacus Potts (Dick Van Dyke) has two kids, and he’s raising them delightfully wild. He creates a whistling candy, romances and loosens an uptight blonde, and sings a lot because the movie’s a musical. One of the songs is a classic and one sucks, but the rest are in between and pleasant enough. The dancing is sometimes inspired, and neither the kids nor the blonde are annoying.

Eventually Mr Potts buys a car, the movie’s titular vehicle, named for the ruckus its engine makes. This being a very old movie, you probably know that the car proves more magical than mechanical, though the special effects show this only with obvious optical greenscreens.

Based on a children’s novel by Ian Fleming, the movie of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is almost 2½ hours plus intermission, and feels bloated toward the end. Still, it rallies for the expected happy ending, and it’s all silly and clever enough for kids and grownups alike. I had a good time, and still don’t regret skipping school that day, or any other day.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Jungle Book (1967)

Mowgli is a human child, orphaned and found in the jungles of India, and raised by wolves until he’s 6 or so. After that, a friendly leopard takes him on a journey across the jungle toward a village, hoping the boy might find a more human upbringing there. Along the way, Mowgli and the leopard meet numerous wild animals including snakes, apes, elephants, and a bear, all of whom sing and dance.

This is a feature cartoon from Walt Disney, based on stories by Rudyard Kipling which I’ve never read and were never read to me as a child, so I’m mostly a newbie. It’s trippy stuff. The animals are mellow and apparently vegetarians, with only a tiger interested in eating the boy.

The songs are all sweet and catchy, and the animation is lovely, old-school without any CGI. Pretty sure I would’ve loved this movie as a kid, but tragically I’m not a kid any more. It weirded me out being in a jungle full of wild animals all more civilized than humans and more non-violent than Ghandi.

Verdict: YES.

6/21/2025

Logo illustration by Jeff Meyer. No talking once the lights dim, and only real butter on the popcorn, not that fake yellow stuff. 

Neverending Film Festival

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