I’m relatively happy with the neighborhood in which I live. The rent is expensive to the point of ridiculousness, but it’s a fine area. Most of the residents appear to be families with kids and old, old Chinese and Russian ladies streaming in and out of the beauty shop below my apartment.

Golden Gate Park is a block away, but it’s a very quiet part of the park. It’s San Francisco-y, but not a place where there’s a ton of commotion, as a rule. But this morning was different.

I woke up to pee a couple of hours ago, at about 4. As I was trying to go back to sleep, I heard a skateboard go by down on the street. If you’ve never heard a skateboard on pavement in the dead quiet of night, be aware that it is LOUD, much louder than it is among the daytime activity sound-level.

Then it went by again. And again. And again. And then someone yelled, “CAN I BORROW A CELL PHONE CHARGER?” at the absolute top of their lungs, with no warning or leadup, very close to my window.

Imagine a gunshot when you least expect it. That’s the degree of shit-myself that I felt at that second. I poked my head over the windowsill, and literally in the middle of the intersection was a guy with a skateboard, walking in circles. No, I didn’t get pictures, because I am a moron, and I was groggy.

“I JUST NEED TO CHARGE MY FUCKING PHONE, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?”

Lights started to go on in the windows around me. He got on his skateboard and skated away, maybe a block, turned around, and skated back. “HELLOOOOO!” Skate-Skate-Skate in circles. About 3 or 4 minutes of skating in circles, followed by “HELLOOOOO!” again. Silence for a minute or so, then,

“YOU GUYS ARE ALL FUCKING ASSHOLES!”

Then he skated away, hopefully for good, leaving naught but a cranky Captain Hampockets in his wake.

1/5/2013
Published by me 1/5/2025

Captain Hampockets

itsdougholland.com
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