by Joe Gallo
a/k/a Captain Hampockets
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Beep — Kleenex — $2.99. Beep — Advil — $5.69. Beep. Beep. Beep. Item not scanning. So the cashier grabs her phone and pushes the PA button to make a storewide announcement…
I know that there is a stereotype of men hating to shop, but damned if it isn’t true in my case. I just can’t stand shopping. There’s nothing new to say about it — dig up Henny Youngman’s corpse for that stuff. But I was recently reminded of a humorous shopping incident that happened to me and my wife a few years ago
It was at Walgreens. Drug stores depress me. They’re always laid out in a weird way — never simply parallel aisles like a grocery store, but a layout like Kowloon Walled City, directing me into dead ends and secret glory-holes. I can never find anything, and all I ever want to do is leave.
Anyway, my wife and I were at Walgreens, doing what must have been some holiday shopping. In the cart were greeting cards and a perfume set (White Shoulders? Something like that), as well as standard fare — Kleenex, Advil, soda, etc. And sex lube. No need to laugh, we’re all adults here, more-or-less. We needed lube, so we threw it in the cart with the other stuff, and didn’t even give it a second thought.
After about eleven years, we were ready to check out. Holiday lines stink, but this was a big Walgreens, with about a half-dozen checkers, all in use, and we managed to make it to the cashier without incident. Beep — Kleenex — $2.99. Beep — Advil — $5.69. Beep. Beep. Beep. Item not scanning. So the cashier grabs her phone and pushes the PA button to make a storewide announcement:
“Kenny, can we have a price check on the Kama Sutra Love Liquid?”
Silence. Crickets. Even the Muzak went mute for our Special Moment. Perhaps I’m dramatizing, but time stopped. The cashier looked like a fish, mouth opening and closing as if she’d lost all speech ability once she realized what she’d announced. I just said, “Great, thanks,” and shot myself in the head.
No, not really. But would you blame me? After a second of silence, there was some laughter, but people mostly just got on with their business. That’s nice of them, but I know full well that if I’d heard that announcement, about someone else, I’d have wet myself with laughter. And then when I saw that the victim was a 350-pounder with a Grizzly Adams beard like I had at the time? Forget about it, I’d’ve been done.
And that’s why we buy lube online now.
11/28/2012
Republished by me 11/4/2024
Leave a Reply