It’s as if I’m on a very small island in a very, very large sea. There’s no dock where passing dinghies can tie up, because I don’t want a dock. There’s no rowboat, because where would I row? ‘Civilization’? What’s that, but a bunch of people? And I don’t like people.
For many years I thought they were disappointing, but ‘disappointing’ isn’t the right word. People disappoint me so reliably that It’s a surprise when someone doesn’t.
Most people like people, I think, and that’s what sets me apart from most people. I like being apart from most people. I wish you well, hope you’re happy, healthy, and getting laid, and that’s from the heart. All I ask is, leave me alone, please.
“Hello,” I’ll say to a stranger if we pass on the sidewalk, but it’s only to reduce the chance that he’ll slash me with a blade. It’s not an invitation to a conversation, or a prelude to a cup of coffee. I like my coffee with cream, and with no-one else around.
“Pleased to meet you” is the cliché, and people seem to mean it when they say it. They’re hoping to become friends. What suckers — shaking hands, flashing smiles, swapping a few shallow pleasantries. I might say “Pleased to meet you,” if we’re shaking hands, but trust me, it’s a lie. I’m in a hurry to let go of your hand, and retreat to wash mine.
Nothing personal, but my preference is: nothing personal.
Meeting people is so shallow, and fake. Everyone holds back everything; nobody says what’s important or particularly revealing or anything they truly care about. They say their name, which I’ll instantly forget, and maybe they say where they work, which tells next-to-nothing about a person.
I’ll shake hands. Refusing would be rude, so I’ll say, “Hi, I’m Doug, I work a shitty job that doesn’t matter, I haven’t seen whatever TV show you think is marvelous, I’m not interested in your God or whatever drugs you take to dull the pain, I hate Republicans and Democrats, hate shaking hands with strangers, and I wish I was home alone instead of [insert name of place, wherever we’re shaking hands].”
No man is an island, but if I was, there’d be no bridge, and no boat dockings more than once weekly.
Alone is better. It makes no unreasonable demands. Alone never says anything that pisses me off, never makes noise when I’m trying to think, never complains that I’m not giving Alone enough attention. Alone is awesome.
11/10/2021
Republished 5/5/2025
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