Kiss Me Monster (1969)

Two 30-something women make their way across Italy (?), running into stupid people and doing stupid things. They play swinging saxophones at a stupid night club, where some stupid customer gets knifed in the back stupidly, and then they’re stupidly swimming and talking to some old dude at a church or witch’s coven or something (it’s unclear), and that’s where I gave up.

It’s European, and the problem might be the dubbing into English, which is both written and acted terribly. If the words as originally written are within shouting distance of the dubbed words, though, this would be a stupidfest in any language.

Verdict: BIG NO.

♦ ♦ ♦

Kiss Me Quick (1964)

Some blonde plays alone with the “sex machine,” performing what’s basically a five-minute strip tease. This was a porno in 1964, doubtless controversial and titillating, but in 2026 it’s PG-13.

The narrator impersonates Peter Lorre, and the leading man impersonates Stan Laurel, both quite badly. The sound effects are stolen from other movies. The jokes are so corny they’re only technically jokes, followed by another strip tease with one of the same three women who’ve already stripped.

As attempted hubba-hubba, this is a bust, and there’s nothing else going on. With half a dozen clicks on my laptop, I can watch a naked woman give a horse a blowjob while a dog licks her pussy, so all this tepid and unsexy sexiness doesn’t do much for me.

Verdict: NO.

♦ ♦ ♦

Kiss Me, Stupid (1964)

Dean Martin, playing himself as “Dino,” is stuck in a small town due to auto troubles, and he’s on the prowl for a woman to boink. Ray Walston is inexplicably married to Kim Novak, and imagines she’s cheating on him even before Dino shows up. She isn’t, of course, but heeere’s Dino!

This was one of Billy Wilder’s big bombs — America wasn’t ready for this much frankness, even in a farce, and probably still isn’t. The film is dated and possibly offensive if you’re prudish, and has all the depth of Yes Dear. Martin comes across as a lout and a sex pest, but it’s all good-natured.

With Henry Gibson, a parrot named Sam, and Mel Blanc in the flesh. Music by Andre Previn. Songs by George & Ira Gershwin, sung by Martin. Produced and directed by Wilder, from a screenplay by Wilder and I A L Diamond.

Verdict: YES, but it’s minor Wilder.

♦ ♦ ♦

Kiss of Death (1947)

After a jewel heist on a skyscraper’s 23rd floor and a thrilling near-getaway via elevator, Nick Bianco is arrested. The DA offers a sweet deal if he’ll finger his co-crooks, but Nick won’t sing, so he’s headed to Sing Sing.

Things change when Nick’s wife sticks her head in an oven and their daughters are sent to an orphanage. Now, ruefully, Nick’s needs to get out of prison pronto, so he’s willing to name names. This annoys tough guy Tommy Udo, and he’s not a nice fellow even in a good mood.

Victor Mature plays Nick, but the movie belongs to Richard Widmark in his first screen performance, as Udo. This is the flick with Widmark’s iconic sadistic moment, which I shan’t even describe, the better to preserve your shock and enjoyment.

Brian Donlevy and Coleen Gray co-star. Screenplay by Ben Hecht (The Front Page, Scarface, Spellbound) and Charles Lederer (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, The Lady from Shanghai, The Thing from Another World), based on a story by Eleazar Lipsky. Directed by Henry Hathaway (Call Northside 777, Niagara, True Grit 1969).

Kiss of Death ain’t great, but Widmark is, and everything in the movie works.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

Perfect Days (2023)

Hirayama (Kōji Yakusho) works for The Tokyo Toilet, cleaning public restrooms. He takes his work seriously, and many toilets are left sparkling throughout the movie, but it isn’t about cleaning toilets. It’s about Hirayama, a fascinating character who mostly communicates via his eyes. He speaks perhaps a hundred words over the movie’s two hours.

Nothing much happens in Perfect Days, but so much happens — layers of complexity, revealed quietly to those looking for revelations. These are different worlds of different cultures, colors, languages, foods, and everything, and wildly different people, but all of us are dealing with or covering up the same baseline insecurities, frailties, stupidities. Once in a while, rarely, we see and understand each other.

In an amusing moment, a British lady is baffled and asks how the hell the toilet works, so Hirayama wordlessly demonstrates, and the lady giggles and marvels at Japanese toilet technology.

In another scene, Hirayama sits at a cafe, his back to a crowd of people mulling around, and without the film emphasizing or even suggesting it, you know that all the hundred people passing in the background are living complicated lives.

Wim Wenders made this, and it’s another masterpiece of quiet but deep. He’s so good at bringing quiet characters to life.

A Japanese man reads Faulkner and Highsmith, listens to the best American classic rock, watches a robotic dance in the park by a homeless or perhaps artistic man, and cleans toilets to make the rent. And a marvelous German filmmaker makes it sparkle.

Verdict: BIG YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

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Logo illustration by Jeff Meyer.
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