every movie ever made, in alphabetical order
(we’re in the K’s, with anti-alphabetical cheats)

Kent State (1981)
Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)
The Key (1958)
Keyhole (2011)
The Kid (1921)
The Last of Us (2023-)
The Last of Us, S01E03: “Long, Long Time”

— — —

Kent State (1981)

This is a made-for-television movie about the National Guard’s murder of four protesters in 1970. Since it’s TV, all the college students are beautiful, the dialogue is a precise mix of shallow politics and squeaky-clean kids, and the acting is totally two-dimensional.

It opens and closes with Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, first singing “Teach Your Children Well,” then “Four Dead in Ohio.” And kudos to NBC (almost non-sarcastically) for being willing to deal with Kent State only a few years after it happened, and for letting people lightly talk politics on-screen. This show probably got through to some people who watched it in 1981, and if I was reviewing it back then I’d recommend it.

Reviewing it now, I’d say some things are too big to be squeezed into prime time and brought to you by dish soap and paper towels.

I was in junior high, not at Kent State, but I’ve read enough and attended enough protests to know fake when I see it. These crowds are too sparse, the kids too neat and tidy, the ROTC student with a heart of gold shakes his head sadly, etc. It’s all-TV, all the way. When real cops billy-club protesters they’re swinging full-force to the head, but these TV cops swing like badminton, like they want to be sure nobody gets hurt. Which is hilarious.

But for all the cheeziness and timidity in this production, and there’s plenty, the murders at the end are recreated fairly faithful to my understanding of the facts.

Talia Balsam and Ellen Barkin sorta star, but it’s a cast of dozens. Ms Balsam’s name is misspelled in the credits. Filmed in Alabama, not Ohio. Produced by Wes Craven and Osmond Productions — i.e., the Osmond Brothers and Donny & Marie.

Verdict: MAYBE.

♦ ♦ ♦

Kentucky Fried Movie (1977)

This mostly sidesplitting, occasionally corny sketch comedy is about 1/3 a parody of Bruce Lee’s kung-fu classic Enter the Dragon, and 2/3 whatever else is funny — cheap puns, bad taste, non-sequiturs, the obvious, the offensive, a few silly cameos, plenty of boobs and a few butts, including one that gets cream-pied.

Amid all the laughs, and cripes there are plenty, you might not notice that the kung-fu parody, called A Fistful of Yen, isn’t merely funny — it’s actually kinda good as a kung-fu flick.

Written by David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and Jerry Zucker, a/k/a the Kentucky Fried Theater out of Madison WI, and directed just as zany by John Landis.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Key (1958)

From the credits, this should be terrific. It’s written by Carl Foreman, whose gave us The Bridge on the River Kwai, The Guns of Navarone, and High fuckin’ Noon, it’s directed by Carol Reed, who made The Agony and the Ecstasy, Odd Man Out, and The fuckin’ Third Man, and it stars William Holden, from Network, Sabrina, and Sunset fuckin’ Boulevard.

Holden plays a British tugboat captain in World War II, and Sophia Loren plays a Swiss dame with a thing for tugboat captains. And I tried, really I did, but it’s all preposterous hokum, and such a fuckin’ bore.

Verdict: NO.

♦ ♦ ♦

Keyhole (2011)

“Commissioned by the Wexner Center for the Arts at The Ohio State University,” this is an attempt to make something different, and I’m a fan of different, but…

It’s a tale of gangsters and ghosts, a hostage tied to a chair, and a young woman who’s drowned and wet but still talking. A maid scrubs the floor and gets electrically buttfucked. A college boy drinks milk and frequently screams into the glass. There’s frequent nudity but zero sexiness. The main character’s name is Ulysses, which is spoken aloud so many times it feels like a drinking game.

Directed and co-written by Canadian wacko mastermind Guy Maddin, this is black-and-white with spasticly quick cuts, obfuscating camerawork and dialogue, and a million self-consciously capital-A Art shots. Every moment is so earnestly avant-garde, there’s no chance for any of this to connect on a human level, leaving it simply an exercise in weirdness.

Which, depending on your mood, might be enough.

Verdict: MAYBE.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Kid (1921)

An unwed mother, unable to afford raising her child, abandons him in a fancy automobile, thinking someone rich will take better care of the tyke. Soon as she walks away, though, the car is stolen by bad guys, who dump the child in a trashy alleyway. Along comes The Tramp (Charlie Chaplin), who tries to foist the tot onto anyone else, but ends up as the orphan’s father.

Written, produced, directed by, and starring Charlie Chaplin, this was his first feature film, after making a billion shorts. There’s very little dialogue via intertitles, with most of the story and emotion instead conveyed symbolically or in the actors’ faces. The result is funny, sometimes damned funny, but also an endearing father-and-son drama with a bang-up conclusion. It’s something special, a family film with hardly any schmaltz.

In the title role, Jackie Coogan is basically playing a 5-year-old version of The Tramp, and he’s terrific. 40 years later he was Uncle Fester on The Addams Family.

Verdict: BIG YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Last of Us, S01E03: “Long, Long Time”

Almost everyone in the world has died of a fungal infection, and the few survivors are always fighting off the infected, who look like zombies with mushrooms growing on their heads.

It’s The Last of Us, an HBO series based on a video game, but I’m immune to video games, and also predisposed to dislike or abhor anything based on video games.

This episode is a self-contained story, so you don’t really need the background, but you’re welcome anyway.

Bill (Nick Offerman) has survived the plague, and was a prepper before the fungus was among us, so he lives like a king in his compound, alone with his stockpile of beloved guns and supplies. Frank (Murray Bartlett) is also uninfected, and cuts across Bill’s compound on his way to Boston. Bill draws a gun on Frank, but the two of them become pals, and eventually smoochy-woochy.

Two surprises here. First, it’s a sweet story, nothing groundbreaking but well-told, and second, the glimpses of the series’ over-arching story are intriguing enough that I’ve decided to watch the first two episodes next, to see if this show is any good.

Verdict: YES, for this episode.

As for the series, The Last of Us is yet another after-the-apocalypse saga. And I like the genre, like I like bundt cake, but cripes I’m tired of it. Earth Abides, Jeremiah, Jericho, Paradise, Station Eleven, 12 Monkeys, The Walking Dead, etc — this is no better, no worse, and no different than any of the other corporate-backed, CGI-heavy, post-apocalyptic bundt cakes. It’s OK. Have a slice.

All the expected ingredients are here: The child who’s Destined for Greatness or maybe has a genetic advantage, whatever. And here’s a very important piece of information, you must tell no-one, so the scene ends before the important information is spoken. The leading man is a walking trope — another grizzled heroic white guy, a hyper-handsome cross between Mal Reynolds and Rock Hudson. And of course, there are zombies, but in all this nothing’s relevant to our world’s real and increasingly zombified reality, because this is just a video game. Blam blam.

And that’s only from watching the first episode. Played the second episode, too, but I literally slept right through it.

Verdict: NO, for the series.

3/13/2026

Logo illustration by Jeff Meyer.
— — —
If you can’t find a movie I’ve reviewed, or if you have recommendations, please drop me a note.
— — —
No talking once the lights dim, and only real butter on the popcorn, not that fake yellow stuff.