a once weekly open mike
because I hate spelling it ‘open mic’
Let’s see what happens when your host (me) has nothing to say. Step right up, speak your mind, tell a story, sing a song, whatever.
9/27/2025
Anything Goes #47
12 responses to “Anything Goes #47”
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The day I decided to perform a comedy routine:
My Comedy Routine at the Grants Pass Church
#I got a washer and dry combo but then after a year or so the dryer stopped working. I called up Janis at Branscomb refrigeration and she asked if I’d cleaned out the lint screen recently. “What’s that?” I said.
#I look around at my peers and think about what I could market to them. How about a cap that says “All Pot No Pussy.”?
#I was getting ready for my roller derby date with the hot chick and I told my neighbor I was nervous. “Don’t worry,” he said. “It’ll be fine. Just don’t be yourself.” (Thanks Zev)
#I met a woman online dating and she wanted me to grow a beard. When I finally got to North Carolina it was about a month old. I had a wonderful holiday season with her and then she met a doctor. A couple months later I shaved off the beard and sent it to her.
#My friend was done with his young girlfriend and I was giving her a ride up north. One night in a motel in Oregon she said, “You know, I’m a nymphomaniac but you’re a real gentleman.” (Great.)
#An ex-lover called me and said she had met a nice coffeeshop girl in San Francisco. She said the barista was going back to Minnesota soon but maybe she could come up here and I could hire her or mentor her. She’s young though, soooo…Laurel, I said, young women who don’t want to fuck me are a dime a dozen up here. Why would I import another one from San Francisco?
#Last year I went through a rough winter of loneliness isolation and anxiety. I think I hit bottom right around the middle of January when I started singing over and over “Have you ever had a dingleberry that was so bad that you just had to take a shower?” And then I took a shower.
#I used to buy veggies with all the best intentions but they would almost always get old and wilted in the fridge and I’d end up throwing them down the hill at this fat fir tree trunk. So then I just started buying round vegetables.
#I met this trauma nurse in Austin who told me how important posture was, as she rattled off the steps for successful clit-sucking. “Well, that all sounds pretty mechanical,” I said. “So is giving a BJ,” she said, “but you don’t hear men complaining about that”
#I made a lot of mistakes building and my first remodel was the worst. For example, when I added in the bathroom after the fact it was right off the dining room. I set up the radio on top of the TV cabinet next to the bathroom door so I could turn on what my grandfather had called “bathroom music” for when I had guests. During harvest one October I got up early in the morning with a row of girls sleeping in the nearby living room. I went into the bathroom and imagined the sound which would soon reverberate throughout the house. It was too early to put on the music and wake them up that way, I thought about it for a minute in that quiet house then went outside and dug a hole.
#I read some quirky stories to the trimmers down the street at my friend’s house and one was intrigued and came over for a morning sauna. She came back that night for a glass of wine and a game of Scrabble. She said she wasn’t interested in a one-night-stand and I said that’s fine, just enjoying the company. Then we were sitting on the couch and she leaned over and kissed me. “I know!” she said. Women like to give their “I am not a slut” speech and after that it’s ON.
#My Take on the Personals: The more I say the faster they run.
#I told my friend I was attracted to some of my trimmer girls. “Oh, they probably see you as their gender-less Auntie,” he said. Davy…a wise man.
#I went over to visit my friend. After awhile I asked him if he had any snacks. He got a funny look on his face, then opened the oven and took out a package of cookies. “Really man?” I said. “When I’m coming over you have to hide the cookies?” He nodded.
#What’s the all-time worst faux-pas? I was chatting up the woman in line behind me at the food store and I said, “So when’s the baby due?” “I’m not pregnant,” she replied.
#I was staying with my friends in Austin and when I came into the house from their guest cabin the first morning the wife asked me how I slept. “That has got to be the most uncomfortable mattress I’ve ever slept on,” I said.
“Oh, no one has ever said that before,” she said.
“I’m wondering if you give your guests that bed so they don’t stay too long,” I said. (I believe honesty is always the best policy, and yes your ass DOES look fat in that skirt.
#I have this young woman friend and I help her out sometimes.
“You’re my sugar daddy!” she once said. Well, I don’t think she’s quite clear on that concept so it inspired me to write this little song/couplet:
“You be my grow-ho without the ho, I’ll be your sugar daddy without the sugar.”
#There was this crazy lady I used to visit in the dead of winter if I got bored, lonely, and depressed enough.
We went into her ratty little room with clothes and fabric art supplies scattered in piles around her bed and after awhile she said, “Would you massage my ass?”
After doing that for a few minutes I said, “Okay, now what do I get?”
“You just got to massage a hot girl’s ass,” she said. -
hope that wasn’t a repeat from me,
i’d hate that…-
None of the above reads like a rerun to me. Surprised they’d welcome comedy like this at a church, but if I’d paid a $10 cover at a bar I wouldn’t complain. Enough laughs and smiles to be worth the money. Do you have more material, and have you performed after this once?
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That was all i had specifically planned for this church,
actually my friends bought an old church, turned it into a home,
and that’s also where i did my first and only Kerry-oakie thing,
my line was: “I lost my cherry-oakie at the church.”
No, just did it once, but later the audience, about 6 people who did
laugh at a few of them, wrote me a critique of each joke.
In our usual fashion all of them were true, culled from real life, not a word changed…-
I love old churches that are turned into anything but a church.
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here are the reviews of the jokes from the audience:
I got a washer and dry combo but then after a year or so the dryer stopped working. I called up Janis at Branscomb refrigeration and she asked if I’d cleaned out the lint screen recently. “What’s that?” I said. 0 votes (could be funny with a follow up line.)
I look around at my peers and think about what I could market to them. How about a cap that says “All Pot No Pussy.”? 1 vote
* I was getting ready for my roller derby date with the hot chick and I told my neighbor I was nervous. “Don’t worry,” he said. “It’ll be fine. Just don’t be yourself.” 4 votes
(Thanks Zev)* I met a woman online dating and she wanted me to grow a beard. When I finally got to North Carolina it was about a month old. I had a wonderful holiday season with her and then she met a doctor. A couple months later I shaved off the beard and sent it to her. 4 votes (Could be funnier with a follow up line like, “I hope she liked my gift.”)
My friend was done with his young girlfriend and I was giving her a ride up north. One night in a motel in Oregon she said, “You know, I’m a nymphomaniac but you’re a real gentleman.”
(Great.)
This could be really funny with a little work. Like “I’m a nymphomaniac but I am so glad you are a gentleman.” I still wonder if that is a good thing. OR Gee, how wonderful to be me. OR ?An ex-lover called from San Francisco. She said a sweet young barista she knew was going back to Minnesota soon but maybe she could come up and I could hire or mentor her. She’s young though, Soooo, I responded “Laurel, young women who don’t want to fuck me are a dime a dozen up here. Why would I import one from San Francisco?” edited it could have 3or 4 votes
Last year I went through a rough winter of loneliness isolation and anxiety. I think I hit bottom right around the middle of January when I started singing over and over “Have you ever had a dingleberry that was so bad that you just had to take a shower?” And then I took a shower. 0 votes
I used to buy veggies with all the best intentions but they would get old and wilted in the fridge. I’d end up throwing them down the hill at this fat fir tree trunk. So I just started buying round vegetables. 21/2 votes
I met this trauma nurse in Austin who told me how important posture was, as she rattled off the steps for successful clit-sucking.
“Well, that all sounds pretty mechanical,” I said.
“So is giving a BJ,” she said, “but you don’t hear men complaining about that 3 votesI made a lot of mistakes building and my first remodel was the worst. For example, when I added in the bathroom after the fact it was right off the dining room. I set up the radio on top of the TV cabinet next to the bathroom door so I could turn on what my grandfather had called “bathroom music” for when I had guests.
During harvest one October I got up early in the morning with a row of girls sleeping in the nearby living room. I went into the bathroom and imagined the grunt and “Splat!” into the toilet that would reverberate throughout the house. It was too early to put on the music and wake them up that way. I thought about it for a minute in that quiet house, then went outside and dug a hole. 3 votes but shortenI read some quirky stories to the trimmers down the street at my friend’s house and one was intrigued and came over for a morning sauna. She came back that night for a glass of wine and a game of Scrabble. She said she wasn’t interested in a one-night-stand and I said that’s fine, just enjoying the company.
Then we were sitting on the couch and she leaned over and kissed me. “I know!” she said. Women like to give their “I am not a slut” speech and after that it’s ON! 0 votesMy Take on the Personals:
The more I say the faster they run. 4 votesI told my friend I was attracted to some of my trimmer girls.
“Oh, they probably see you as their gender-less Auntie,” he said.
Davy…a wise man. 4 votesI went over to visit my friend. After awhile I asked him if he had any snacks. He got a funny look on his face, then opened the oven and took out a package of cookies. “Really man?” I said. “When I’m coming over you have to hide the cookies?” He nodded. 31/2 votes Needs a follow up line.
What’s the all-time worst faux-pas? I was chatting up the woman in line behind me at the food store and I said, “So when’s the baby due?”
“I’m not pregnant,” she replied. 2 votesI was staying with my friends in Austin and when I came into the house from their guest cabin the first morning the wife asked me how I slept. “That has got to be the most uncomfortable mattress I’ve ever slept on,” I said.
“Oh, no one has ever said that before,” she said.
“I’m wondering if you give your guests that bed so they don’t stay too long,” I said. 0 votes
I believe honesty is always the best policy, and yes your ass DOES look fat in that skirt. 4 votesI have this young woman friend I and I help her out sometimes.
“You’re my sugar daddy!” she said. Well, I don’t think she’s quite clear on that concept so it inspired me to write this little song/couplet:
“You be my grow-ho without the ho,
I’ll be your sugar daddy without the sugar.” 0 votes-
I like “What’s that” better without any follow-up line. It’s a laugh, and everything after is instantly revealed.
Comedy doesn’t hold up under analytical scrutiny, man, but my favorites in chronological order were What’s that?, Just don’t be yourself, shaved off the beard and sent it to her, buying round vegetables, hide the cookies, and massage a hot girl’s ass.
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This somehow doesn’t seem to be the right place for Leonard Cohen, but I can’t find another one. Famous Blue Raincoat. Sorry for the Google link.
This is from 2013. Leonard’s manager had absconded with all of his savings and sold the rights to his compositions. Leonard was an old man and dead broke, and getting sick. He had two children he loved and wanted to leave some money to; he had a loyal band and backup singers who he couldn’t even pay travel expenses for as the World Tour started. Leonard wondered whether anyone would remember him and pay money to see him play. The tour started and immediately sold out, date after date through Europe and Asia and South, then North America. Travel expenses were payed along with substantial bonuses for sticking with the tour. Leonard died as the tour ended, with money in the bank and everybody well paid, and money for his grown children. Nobody had forgotten Leonard. They were out there waiting for him to come back to them. He returned, and they stood and applauded.
Famous Blue Raincoat . . .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHqqlm9yf7M
John
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I don’t know of any wrong place for Leonard Cohen.
Sweet that the tickets sold. Sad that there was ever any doubt.
YouTube is at war with adblockers, and now won’t play videos for me. Which is sweet; I simply download them, commercial-free, and now I have a very lovely rendition of very lovely song, for keeps.
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Here’s a heads up to anyone wondering about all the radio silence: big things are happening, but writing about it takes energy I don’t have. Today’s doctor visit was medically inconclusive, and left me more exhausted than I’ve been in years. And the fuckers want to see me twice more.
Until the doctors and doctors’ helpers come up with a diagnosis or strategy, I’m not ready to talk about it in the zine, so no questions, please. The answer is only, “They don’t know.”
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“They don’t know.”
A fitting diagnosis!
We’re thrown from the void into this. We don’t know. They don’t know. When they don’t even pretend to know, it’s not good. It’s not good. Time to take down the “Hang in there!” poster.
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I never had that poster, but find your comment philosophically profound. Yeah, nobody knows squat, and I don’t mind “hanging in there” for a while, but life has to be better than hanging in there.
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