The smoke alarm sounded while I was in the shower. I continued lathering, but the alarm was still alarmed thirty seconds later. I don’t want to be steamed to death naked in the bathtub, so I quickly rinsed the soap out of my ears and arm pits, dried off, and emerged into a smoky kitchen, where Dean was taking a blackened frozen pizza from the oven.

“Sorry,” he said. “I forgot to set the timer, and I got lost in the book I’m reading.” He then started telling me about the book he’s reading, but I interrupted, asked him not to burn the house down please, and went into my room to get lost in the book I’m reading.

My flatmate Dean is a professional chef, he says, with forty years experience in four-star kitchens, who can’t cook a damned frozen pizza without charring it and setting off the smoke detector.

I knew the house had ants. You see ’em in the bathroom, in ones and twos, scouting but never finding much of interest. You see ’em in the kitchen, crawling on the counter if someone’s spilled something but not cleaned it well enough. And they’re in my room, I knew, because I’d often see an ant or two or three crawling across junk mail or an old newspaper on the floor, but the carpet is dark so the ants are mostly invisible.

With the recent heatwave in my part of the country, I’ve been consuming more ice cream, allowing myself two pints daily, plus popsicles galore. It should’ve been no surprise, but it was, when lots and lots of ants were climbing up and into the trash, toward all those empty (but not empty enough, I guess) wrappers and containers.

After reading lots of good reviews on Amazon, I went to McLendon Hardware and bought two six-packs of Terro Liquid Ant Baits. Three hours later, a few ants were sashaying toward the bait. Eight hours later, it’s like Christ feeding borax to the multitudes. So many ants!

By the time I’m home from work, I’m hoping this room will have hundreds, maybe thousands of ant corpses instead of hundreds, maybe thousands of ants.

Yeah, work. My new job starts today, but hold your condolences. I once quit a job on my first day, just because the boss was a moron, so it’s not a career yet. I’ll keep you posted, since you’re the closest thing I have to friends.

I’m still going to try for two posts daily on this website, but posting will be in the wee hours of the morning, instead of midday. If work leaves me too tuckered some days, there might be only a Pathetic Life post — they’re easy, since I did all the work of writing them in the 1990s.

Sadly for me but maybe not for you, there will be fewer movie reviews, since I’ll no longer be able to watch movies all morning and afternoon and any time a movie mood strikes.

These last few months have been grand — exploring Seattle via its buses and libraries and bums and coffee shops, eating too many diner breakfasts, but other than that just leaning into my recliner.

Those good times are over now. I’ll be at the bus barn at 8:00 this morning, and since I can’t afford to retire, I’ll probably be there at 8:00 tomorrow, and every morning.

♦ ♦ ♦

And now, the news you need, whether you know it or not… 

♦ ♦ ♦  

Christian university sues Washington, saying probe into anti-LGBTQ+ policies violates religious freedom 

It’s Seattle Pacific University, run by the Free Methodist Church, trying to defend their ‘right’ to discriminate in hiring.

Of course, I’m not a Christian so I’m not a Free Methodist, but that’s the church I was raised in, and I’ve always held the FM church in relatively high regard. It saddens me to see the church that was on the right side of the Civil War — the ‘free’ part of the name comes from opposing slavery — now being so insistently on the wrong side of ordinary human rights.

This is Southern Baptist level stuff. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Tom Robbins’ graduation speech 

“Growing up is a trap.”As for responsibility, I am forced to ask, responsibility to what? To our fellow man? Two weeks ago, the newspapers reported that a federal court had ruled that when a person’s brain stops functioning, that person is legally dead, even though his or her heart may continue to beat. That means that 80% of the population of the Earth is legally dead. Must we be responsible to corpses?

“No, you have no responsibility except to be yourself to the fullest limit of yourself. And to find out who you are.”

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Tiny turtle pooped “pure plastic” for six days after rescue from Sydney beach 

♦ ♦ ♦   

Alabama prisons say reporter’s skirt too short to witness execution 

♦ ♦ ♦   

The steal that didn’t get stopped
a/k/a The life and times of Roger Stone

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Crook takes over as Police Chief

Ukiah Police Captain Cedric Crook was appointed Wednesday afternoon as acting chief of the city’s police department, according to Shannon Riley, the deputy city manager.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

List of inventors killed by their own invention 

♦ ♦ ♦   

One-word newscast, because it’s the same news every time…
• climate
• cops • cops • cops • cops • cops • cops • cops • cops
• Republicans • Republicans

♦ ♦ ♦

The End
• Aaron Latham
• Burt Metcalfe
• Phyo Zeya Thaw
• Kyaw Min Yu

8/1/2022

Cranky Old Fart is annoyed and complains and very occasionally offers a kindness, along with anything off the internet that’s made me smile or snarl. All opinions fresh from my ass. Top illustration by Jeff Meyer. Click any image to enlarge. Comments & conversations invited.

Tip ‘o the hat to Linden Arden, ye olde AVA, BoingBoing, Breakfast at Ralf’s, Captain Hampockets, CaptCreate’s Log, John the Basket, LiarTownUSA, Meme City, National Zero, Ran Prieur, Voenix Rising, and anyone else whose work I’ve stolen without saying thanks.

Extra special thanks to Becky Jo, Name Withheld, Dave S, Wynn Bruce, and always Stephanie…

Cranky Old Fart

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