A bidet is the new way to tidy up after using the toilet — a blast of water instead of the post-poop wipe most of us are familiar with. I wanted one, didn’t want to mess with wrenches and plumbing, and I didn’t want to spend serious money, so I bought this hand-held squeeze-bidet.
It’s a squirt-gun for your butt, with a 17-ounce reservoir, and a long nozzle that reaches where it’s needed.
You fill it at the sink before sitting down, so you decide the temperature, but the squirt-gun holds enough water for several poops, so after the first use it’s room temp.
$15.49 buys two bidets, so you have a back-up bidet if the bidet in your hand goes dry. I’ve now bought two bidet sets, so I have four hand-held bidets.
Also, nobody ever said wiping is enjoyable, but using a bidet is actually, honestly, kind of fun. Whoosh! Whoosh!
The bidet’s efficiency varies with the consistency of your poop. Make sure your cheeks are spread as far as comfortably possible when you sit down, to keep your buttcheeks clean and clear the way for the water. Loose bowels with parted cheeks: 1-2 blasts. Firmer bowels: 3-4 blasts.
Each of these cheap plastic bidets holds enough water for 10-12 blasts, so even if the situation is messy you’ll have plenty of water.
It’s easier and less disgusting than wiping, and these squeeze-bidets really blast out the water, too. I’ve tested its effectiveness by wiping after the bidet-rinse, and seen only a tiny amount of “residoodoo” — and that was after a particularly messy poop.
An expert told me that some slight leftovers are not uncommon for a bidet rookie, but that with practice less will be left behind on your behind.
Each of these bidets has a rubbery washer, so there are no leaks, even when it’s upside-down. The plastic isn’t brittle, and it’s survived several drops onto the tile floor. The nozzle is long enough and smartly shaped, so access is easy. The tip, where the water comes out, has half a dozen tiny openings, so you get numerous streams, not just one, which makes it easy to hit the intended target.
Can’t think of any complaints, really, except that it came over-packaged with too much tape and plastic and a couple of “carrying bags” I’ll never use.
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Update, two months later: It’s late but I want to update my bidet review. The tip of the nozzle simply snaps into place, when it would be smarter to have it screw on. Snap-on means, if I squeeze extra hard to get an extra good shot of water, the nozzle sometimes pops off and into the shit water below. Which, you’ll be surprised to read, is not pleasant. You gotta reach in and lift it out.
Another update, a year later: This morning the nozzle popped off, which happens once a month or so, but this time I couldn’t find it. I ran my fingers through the bowl and everything in it, and came up wet and stinky-fingered but empty-handed. It’s frustrating and gross, and they didn’t send any spare nozzles, so instead of having four hand-held bidets, now there are three.
I’ve super-glued the nozzles onto the others, but a customer shouldn’t have have to do that. They should make it a screw-on nozzle, so it doesn’t keep dropping into the toilet.
Update, the morning after the previous update: I found that missing nozzle, in my buttcheeks. It popped out in the shower, as I was cleaning my netherlands. Why didn’t I think to look there yesterday?
Republished 1/11/2025
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