💩 New cars. You know what depreciates in value quicker than a new car? Nothing. Whether you're driving a shiny new Lexus with a killer sound system or a rusted and dented 1989 Toyota, if it gets you where you need to be, that's what matters. Sure, you need a reliable vehicle (unless you live in a city with excellent transit), but if the car you have is reliable then what's the point of replacing it, except prestige? $30,000 or $50,000 just to keep up appearances? Hah, that's bullshit.
💩 What other people think of you. AKA, being popular, being respected or admired, or being 'seen as successful'. For the most part, other people aren't thinking about you at all, unless you're speaking with them, or in love with them, or being a pain in the ass. To whatever level you're worried about how you're perceived, it's too much and you should worry about it less.
💩 The deep, dark secret you desperately don't want anyone to know. Are you depressed? Deathly afraid of spiders, or intimacy? Were you born out of wedlock? Never learned algebra? Problems with alcohol? Filed bankruptcy? Have a sexually transmitted disease? Have a criminal record? Wearing a toupee? If you think people would shun you if they knew your deep dark secret, well bub, hate to break it to you but unless you shot a guy in Reno just to watch him die, the secrets you're desperately keeping forever are probably no worse than anyone and everyone else's secrets they're carrying to the grave.
💩 The size of your penis or breasts. You are who you are, and what makes you special, what makes you you, has nothing to do with your dick or your boobs — or your nose, or your limp, or anything else that's beyond your control. Accept yourself and love yourself, because if you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? (praise RuPaul)
💩 Looking for love. Yeah, we all want to spend our lives with some very special someone, sipping wine and looking into each other's eyes and sharing perpetual simultaneous orgasms. If that happens that's great, but you can't make it happen, and you sure as hell don't want it to happen with the wrong someone. So don't freak out if you're not in love by age 18, or married by 30, or living happily ever after by whatever arbitrary age makes you panic. If Price or Princess Charming comes along, that's great, but if he or she doesn't that's not the end of the world. Happiness comes from within, not from having someone call you 'darling'.
💩 Your career. Being gainfully employed, or otherwise having access to the funds you need in order to live comfortably — that's important. But unless you're a reporter hoping to be hired at the New York Times or a City Council member hoping to be Mayor, or you have other grand aspirations like that, what you have is a job, not a career.
💩 The deadline everyone is sweating about at work. Almost without exception, that deadline was pulled out of some executive's ass. It's not an immutable date drawn from nature, is it? No, some salesman promised delivery by Thursday, or the boss wants everything rung up by the end of month because he's promised impressive numbers to his boss. Work that extra shift if you need the money, but the deadline is bullshit and it's your boss's problem, not yours.
💩 Christmas. Sorry to break it to you, but there is no Santa, and December 25 wasn't Jesus's birthday. Christmas as we celebrate it now is 99% bullshit, monetizing love and turning it into guilt and profit, all because you didn't spend as much as you think you should've, or you didn't get as much as you think you should've. If there are people you love tell them that you love them, and if someone you love needs something help out if you can — 365 days a year.
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