My new bidet — $15.49

A bidet is the new way to tidy up after using the toilet — a blast of water instead of the post-poop wipe most of us are familiar with. I didn't want to mess with wrenches and plumbing, and I didn't want to spend serious money, so I bought this hand-held squeeze-bidet.

It's basically a squirt gun for your butt, with a 17-ounce reservoir, and a long nozzle that reaches where it needs to. You fill it at the sink before sitting down, so you decide the temperature (I like the water piping-hot). $15.49 buys two bidets, so you have a back-up bidet on the floor if the bidet in your hand goes dry. I've not bought two, so I have four hand-held bidets.

The biggest news for me, something I've never heard anyone mention, is that with paper wiping, you'll sometimes get stuff on your fingers and hands. With a bidet, that simply doesn't happen — your hands only touch the squeezable bidet, so you can skip washing up afterwards unless you're hyper about hygiene. Also, nobody ever said wiping is enjoyable, but using a bidet is actually, honestly, kind of fun. Whoosh! Whoosh!

The bidet's efficiency varies with the consistency of your poop. If it's fairly firm, a few blasts with the squeeze-bidet and you're tidy. If it's more slushy, you should make sure your cheeks are spread as far as comfortably possible when you sit down. Loose bowels with parted cheeks: 4-6 blasts. Loose bowels without fully-parted cheeks: 8-10 blasts. Each of these cheap plastic bidets hold enough water for 10-12 blasts, so even if the situation is messy you'll have plenty of water. To be honest, though, if it's messy under there, I'll start by wiping the old-fashioned way, and then use the bidet.

This bidet is easier and less disgusting than wiping. It really blasts out the water, too. I've tested its effectiveness by wiping after the bidet-rinse, and seen only a tiny amount of "residoodoo" — and that was after a particularly messy poop. An expert told me that some slight leftovers are not uncommon for a bidet rookie, but that with practice there will be less left behind.

Each bidet has a rubbery washer, so there are no leaks, even when it's upside-down. The plastic isn't brittle, and it's survived several drops onto the tile floor. The nozzle is long enough and smartly shaped, so access is easy. The tip, where the water comes out, has half a dozen tiny openings, so you get numerous streams, not just one, which makes it easy to hit the intended target. Can't think of any complaints, really, except that it came over-packaged with too much tape and plastic and a couple of "carrying bags" I'll never use.

= = =

Update, two months later: I still like and recommend these bidets, but in practice they're a pre-wipe rinse, not wipe replacement. I almost never need to wipe more than once, though, and it's always a quick, tidy clean-up.

Update, two more months later: Hey, it's late but I want to update my bidet review. The tip of the nozzle just snaps on, when it would be smarter to have it screw on. Snap-on means, if I squeeze extra hard to get an extra good shot of water, the nozzle sometimes pops off and into the shit water below. Which, you'll be surprised to read, is not pleasant. I gotta reach in and lift it out.

Update, a year later: This morning the nozzle popped off, which happens once a month or so, but this time I couldn't find it. I ran my fingers through the bowl and everything in it, and came up wet but empty-handed. It's frustrating and gross, and they didn't send any spare nozzles, so instead of having four hand-held bidets, now there are three. I've super-glued the nozzles onto the others, but I shouldn't have had to. They should make it a screw-on nozzle, so it doesn't keep dropping into the toilet. 

Update, the morning after the previous update: I found that missing nozzle, in my buttcheeks. It popped out in the shower, as I was spraying the netherlands. Why didn't I think to look there yesterday? 



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