homeaboutarchivescontactham sandwichprivacygoodbye

I did it, and got away with it

It was only a dream, and I must have come in late because I'm not sure what had already happened. Clearly a crime had been committed. What the crime was I haven't a clue, but it was me who did it.

Nobody had been killed or even physically harmed, I'm sure, because even in dreams I'm still a boring man, unlikely to turn to violence. Also, there was no blood.

What I remember most clearly is obfuscating the evidence — moving dream boxes that held something incriminating, burning a rainbow-colored coat that perhaps might have been recognized, and deleting my browsing and search history.

None of that is what I'd really do, if I was actually guilty of some serious crime and thought the cops were on to me. I've seen Law & Order, so I know the cops always get the bad guy. And anyway, l prefer to avoid confrontation, so I'd flee the scene, close my bank account, pack a few possessions into my car, roll the dice to pick a destination, and you'd never see me again.

In the dream, though, I was sly and shrewd and far too sure of myself, so I stayed right where I was, even as the sound of sirens came closer. Then the investigators knocked on the door and someone let them in. The cops wore suits and good manners but also guns, and they asked everyone who'd been in the building to describe what had happened.

There were half a dozen suspects, same as in a game of Clue. The others knew nothing, and awake neither do I, but asleep I knew it all, yet pretended to be a cooperative witness.

How stupid was that? Even asleep, everyone knows you have the right to have an attorney present during questioning, and if you can't afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Me being a big dumb boy, though, I thought I could outsmart the detectives and get away with it, whatever 'it' was, so I misleadingly answered all their questions. That's a crime in itself, isn't it?

Back in reality, the cat made a ruckus covering up whatever dastardly deed she'd done in her box, and I awoke in a dread. My first conscious thought was fear of being caught, though I still can't guess what I'd done.

I rubbed my eyes and sat there, thinking through my life for the past few days. Did I rob a bank? No, pretty sure I'd remember that. Did I mug someone, threaten someone, bribe someone? No, no, and no again. I use software to bypass paywalls on-line, and I'll jaywalk if there's not much traffic, but other than that I'm an innocent man who had a weird dream, that's all.

Now it's twenty minutes later, I've typed this confession, and still I have no idea what my imaginary crime might have been — but I got away with it, bwa ha ha. And I'd panic if anyone knocked on the door right now.


itsdougholland.com 

← PREVIOUS          NEXT →

No comments:

Post a Comment

🌌 Don't be a jackass, unless you're also funny while being a jackass. 🌌