I have no birthday.

A group email to my family and few friends, which I intend to send a month before my next birthday: 

My birthday is approaching and I am cordially asking you not to notice. I have said this before, and perhaps it’s been heard as false modesty, or Doug being wacky, or not heard at all. Hear ye, hear ye, I am not kidding. Please, don't mention my birthday, this year or any year. 

Birthdays are silly unless you’re a little kid, or turning 21 and first discovering the legal taste of whiskey. I’m not a kid, not turning 21, not much of a drinker, and I don’t give a quarter of a moist fart about my birthday, so please, don't mention it.

‘Happy birthday!’ means: Dear Doug, you are now obligated to say ‘thank you’ for this ‘Happy birthday!’ card, or present, or gesture. All right, ‘thank you’, but what I’d rather say is ‘thank you for forgetting’.

Even worse, ‘Happy birthday!’ means I’m supposed to remember your birthday, which — I’m sorry but — I almost certainly will not. I remember many things about my friends and family and the few people I know and love, but never their birthdays. Literally, I do not remember anyone's birthday except my wife's.

It’s only fair, since my very happiest birthday in recent years was the one where she and I both forgot it was my birthday until a week later. That was a happy birthday. I would love to have all my remaining birthdays be birthdays like that birthday, so please wish me a happy birthday by giving me another birthday like that birthday and not saying 'Happy birthday!'

Family and friends, I hope you’ll forget my birthday. I simply don’t see the point. And also, I’m asking you please, don't try to explain the point.

Ordinary emails are welcome — not for my birthday, but any dang day — as are letters, post cards, even phone calls if you’re lucky enough to catch this old hermit with the phone plugged in. But I’d prefer no birthday cards, no birthday gifts, no singing telegrams, and no mention of my birthday. 

Mom did all the work. If you want to send someone a card or a present, send it to her.



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  1. Captain HampocketsJune 4, 2021 at 4:38 AM

    Congratulations! On the day nine months before you were born, your dad ejaculated deep inside your mom's vagina!

  2. misanthropy much? let them send you a card ffs.

    1. Captain HampocketsJune 4, 2021 at 10:02 AM

      Welcome! I assume this is your first foray into this site.

    2. Misanthropy much, yes.

      The 1st Amendment guarantees freedom of card, so I can't stop them from sending a card. I can only ask, and I've been asking for 30 years.


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