Without her

I’m quitting my job, almost certainly — but I’m not quite certain. I need to talk it over with Stephanie first, which is not an option, damn it.

If she was here, she’d cut through my blather and confusion, she’d see the pros and cons more clearly than me, she’d bring up consequences I haven’t considered, whittle away all my piffle and nonsense, leave only the essential facts, and then she’d back off and let me come to a sensible determination. And whatever I decided, she’d be on my side, and she’d show me how to do it more eloquently.

Without her, I’m the king of bad decisions. Every major choice in my life has been either arguably foolish or utterly dumbshit. The only exception was marrying Steph. She was exceptional. 

Without Stephanie to talk with, I try to hear what she’s not here to say. In any little conversation, her voice comes through clearly. In the mid-sized conversations, I can guess the gist. But in all our years together, whenever we talked about serious things I never knew what she was going to say. All I knew was, it was gonna be smart so I always listened.

I wonder what she'd say about this. She'd point out the problems, definitely:

• People my age retire, they don't just quit. 

• Mid-60s with no health insurance?

• No unemployment income either, since I'm quitting of my own choice, before they can lay me off.

• Presumably I'll lose the months of sick leave and vacation time I've accumulated. 

• The company has offered a sizable bonus if we stay to the end, to train our replacements in Nepal or wherever. And I'm not big on principles, so I'd consider it — if they tripled that incentive, but what they've offered isn't enough to sell myself out.

It's been a long time since I've done something flamboyantly stupid, at least on purpose. 30 years, I guess — that's when I sold almost all my possessions, quit my job, and moved from Seattle to California, where I knew no-one and had no income. Objectively speaking, that was pretty damned stupid, but it worked out OK.

Maybe it's time to do something really, really stupid again, but I wish Steph was here to talk it through with me. She'd have something to say and I'd want to hear it, but without her, I can’t write her half of the dialogue. All I can do is hope for the best, pinch my nose, shut my eyes, and jump into the water. Here goes.

 

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