Good luck

Don't get me wrong — many things suck, many people are stupid, our leaders are generally crooks and/or imbeciles, and there's never any shortage of things to complain about. Once in a while, though, I like to slap myself in the face and remember that I’ve been far, far luckier in life than I’ve deserved.

Let me count the ways ...

① My wife, StephanieShe was the smartest and sweetest person I’ve ever known. She was kind and clever, and always, always able to make me laugh. I was the schmuck from Pathetic Life until she came along, and then for 20+ years I was a good man and a decent human being. Now she's gone and I'm a schmuck again. The difference was her.

② AmericaI am crazy lucky to have been born in this morally bankrupt nation instead of one of the countries we habitually bomb, and to have grown up with the freedom to skip school and smoke pot and say whatever the hell I want to say whenever I want to say it.

③ Being white in AmericaThat’s why I've been able to skip school and smoke pot and say whatever the hell I wanted to say. If I’d done such things and been black, there often would've been cops and bastard white people to block my way — by any means necessary.

④ Being maleBy luck of the chromosomes, I almost never need to pause to consider my safety around other people, and despite being overweight and sloppily dressed, I'm treated with baseline respect in the workplace and by strangers. All because I'm a man. Also, a penis is fun to have.

⑤ Mom & Dad My parents made many mistakes and I was one of them, but they fed me, taught me manners and general decency, patted me on the shoulder when I did something good and scolded me when I did something bad. Inexplicably, they loved me. It’s terrifying how many kids don’t have that, and without it they don’t have much of a chance.

⑥ Education I dropped out of school, and I'm glad I did. I hated it, skipped often, was bullied by other kids, and utterly unprotected by school officials. Still, public schools taught me readin' and writin' and 'rithmetic, and history, science, and literature, and more. I ain’t much but I’d be even less without that.

⑦ Pets From Fido when I was five to Izzy asleep at my ankles now, there have been 20-30 small furry friends in my life, all more sympathetic and reliable than the few human friends I’ve had. For an unhappy kid who became a lonely adult, having a dog or a cat who likes me was (and is) a huge factor in my mental health and survival.

⑧ Science Since an apple fell on Ike Newton’s head, smart people have built on the work of their predecessors and advanced human knowledge. That's why this room lights up on command, why there’s frozen food in the freezer, and why you're reading this online instead of being dead from smallpox or malaria or COVID-19. 

The genetics lottery Despite treating my body poorly, overeating four unbalanced meals daily, going years without seeing a doctor or dentist, and living my entire life in this recliner, I’ve somehow remained generally healthy. That’s a highly improbable run of good luck, which I expect will end soon.

The Earth It’s been a nice place to call home, at least until we’re finished turning it into a cesspool of extreme weather, toxicity, and radiation. Luckily, I’m old enough that I won’t see what’s coming soon, but it’ll be “interesting times” for the young whippersnappers, eh? 

Lucky to be alive, I am, and you, too. Here's hoping our luck holds out a little longer.



  1. I'm 47, male, American, and white. I have no debt, and a few grand in the bank. I have a car, a girlfriend, three dogs, and a cat. I have a warm, soft bed and all the food I need - more, in fact. I have somehow managed this while having absolute fucking bottom-feeder jobs - convenience stores for 30 years, then the last couple running my sweetie's Etsy store. I am more fortunate than probably 80% of people in the world, and lots of Americans as well.


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