Pickle dogs

This is too trivial to write about, sorry, but it’s also the most — and perhaps the only — important achievement of my life: Lady or gentleman, I give you: The pickle dog.

It’s a hot dog, but with the meat gone and replaced by a pickle. 

Why? Well, the problem with frankfurters is that the star of it all — the cylindrical chunk of meat, the legendary tube steak — can be expensive, and high in calories, and it’s meat, which you’ll be surprised to learn is not allowed on vegetarian or vegan diets. 

And it’s not merely meat, it’s a mix of the most disgusting cuts of cheap, fatty meats from things you might not want to eat even if you eat meat — pigs’ nostrils, cows’ ear lobes, probably ground-up chicken beak and bull anus, and the infamous pink slime, etc.

(click pic
to embiggen)

Replacing the meat of a wiener with a pickle sliced the long way is cheaper, with far fewer calories, and contains nothing disgusting.

You certainly can taste the difference, and I won’t pretend you can’t, but I honestly wouldn’t say it’s worse, or better than a hot dog. It’s just different, but very tasty. And depending on what brand of dogs you’d buy, you can save 15¢ to a dollar or more per dog, and 100 to 300 calories. With the low-calorie bread I eat, this lunch of four pickle dogs is only about 200 calories.

I eat 4-8 pickle dogs for a meal, sometimes 12, rarely 16. I think I've eaten 52 pickle dogs in the past week. I like pickle dogs.

For me, anyway, it’s all about the condiments you put on a weenie. I usually use peanut butter, sauerkraut, and mustard. If I’m feeling extra-fancy there might also be onions, ketchup, and garlic powder. Whatever condiments you'd put on a hot dog, dress a pickle dog exactly the same, and it’ll be quite delicious.

I usually slice the pickle once, the long way, because I have bad teeth and an entire pickle is a lot to bite through. If it’s an especially fat pickle, or if I’m especially poor, I might slice it twice, meaning the pickle part of each pickle dog is one-quarter of a pickle. I've gone as far as 1/8 of a pickle, and it still tastes fine. You can stretch the budget as thin as you can slice a pickle.

You'll notice from the picture that I use toasted bread instead of buns, but that’s just a matter of personal preference. My wife disputed me on this point, but I’ve never liked or understood hot dog buns — they’re too bready, and never seem to open easily, and they can fall apart easily, leaving your pickle (or meat!) on the carpet. Pickle or meat, it never tastes as good after it's been in the carpet.

Caution is advised if you don't like pickles.



← PREVIOUS          NEXT →


  1. Hey man, I am being honest but humorous here - I am almost MORE GRATEFUL for you introducing me to pickle dogs than any other aspect of our friendship.

    NOT ONLY are pickle dogs FUCKING GREAT, but it made me much more amenable to trying different flavor combinations in general.

    If I were eating bread, I'd hoist a pickle dog in your honor right now.

    1. I have always treasured our friendship, Captain. You have my love, respect, and admiration, and I thank you for being there when I needed you. Uh, glad you like the dogs, too. Sheesh.

  2. Oh and also - you are RIGHT ON about the peanut butter. I swear, people will read this and think that you and I are fucking with them. I swear on my dog's life, I am not fucking around. PB and pickles work great together.

  3. As much as I hate to say it, I'm going to have to try these. I'm a big hot dog fan (don't care what they're made of, don't want to know). But I'm also a pickle fan, so I'll at least give it a try. If I get crazy, I might even try them with peanut butter.

    Also, "click here to embiggen" was pretty damn funny.

    1. Eat hardy, sir. With or without PB, pickle dogs forever.

  4. >Also, "click here to embiggen" was pretty damn funny.

    Not sure what you mean. "Embiggen" is a perfectly cromulent word.

  5. Cromulent? Not in my dictionary.

    1. All is revealed:


  6. Is it 4/1? 4/20? This cant be for reals.


🚨🚨 If you have problems posting a comment, please click here for help. 🚨🚨