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The office flunky you're looking for

Years and years ago, someone who'd read my Pathetic Life zine offered me a job. I worked for that man for five years, and I’d work for him again if he wasn’t dead. Thanks a lot, Bill. 

I’ll soon be out of work, so an idea popped into my mostly-empty head: Does anyone reading this have a job opening for a fat, gray, wrinkled, rumpled, antisocial office worker? Like the guy in the picture —> only older and fatter.

If you hire me, I will show up on time, give a damn, and pledge not to write about you or your business without changing the names.

Here’s my resumé:

• Since fish grew legs and crawled out of the bog, I’ve been an office flunky, working in the automotive, health care, life insurance, and publishing industries, and probably in other fields forgotten at the moment. What kind of business it is barely matters; office work is office work.

• My productivity and accuracy have been well above average, at every job I've had.

• Whatever software you’re running, I either know it or can learn it in a week.

• I don't play office politics, because it's boring and requires too much talking with other employees. 

• I’m affordable — I live cheap, and don’t need much money. If you'll let me work from home, you can pay me an even lower wage.

• I can read, write, and do arithmetic. I have solid reviews, good attendance, passable hygiene, etc.

Those are my positives, but there are some negatives, too. 

• I was fired once, and deserved it, for treating the boss with the disrespect he’d earned. Since then I’ve learned to show even idiot bosses the pretense of respect.

• That said, I’m not good at dealing with bullshit from management and pretending it’s not bullshit. 

• I don't make a good first impression, and I'm not a particularly quick learner. After a month you might wonder why you hired me. After two months you'll stop wondering. After three months you'll be glad you did.

• If you ask a question I’ll answer honestly, whether you want the answer or not. That’s why I have decades of office experience without a promotion.

• After I’ve been at the job for a while, I’ll have ideas for doing the work more efficiently, and I’ll come to the boss with those ideas. Why is that a negative? Heck if I know, but for most bosses it’s certainly not a positive.

• I’m willing to work overtime in an emergency. If the boss isn't working extra hours too, then it's not an emergency, and you can stick it.

• I'll wear a suit and tie, if you buy it. 

• I'm not interested in the company picnic, or team-building exercises at the beach, but if you pay me to attend I'll be there.

• I won't take a drug test. I'd pass it, but requiring a drug test is a test — it proves that a company is shit, and I don't want to work for a shit company.

• I live in Madison, Wisconsin, and you'd have to seriously impress me to get me to move.

Is Doug Holland the office flunky you’re looking for? 

If so, please get in touch

♦ ♦ ♦

That's the end of it, but to prove that I'm not just putzing around with this post, I'd like to append the complete text of my 2019 and 2020 performance reviews. 2019 was my last review from a good boss who understood my work, and 2020 was my first and only review from the next boss, who doesn't. 2019 is a ridiculously positive review, and 2020 is more bland, but still positive.

I'm not posting those documents, because they're full of my employer's name, my boss's name, a few co-workers' names, and of course, my name. If you have a serious interest in hiring me, ask, and I'll either do the redaction work necessary, or just say screw it and send you the docs.



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