Can’t speak for ordinary humans, since I have no experience with “ordinary,” but often I talk to myself when I’m alone.
Usually it’s not an extended conversation, with me playing both roles. It’s not even a rational rumination, like, “I think I’ll make myself some lunch,” or “Do I need a new stocking cap for the winter?” Thoughts like that stay quiet in my head.
When I talk to myself out loud, it’s almost always a rerun, one of half a dozen goofy sayings I say to myself more or less constantly, but never say to anyone else. The rotation includes…
• “Here’s what we’re going to do.” Which sounds like I’m about to explain something semi-complicated, but nope. Nothing ever follows that line, and whatever we’re going to do, we never do it.
• “What the holy hell?” Oh, my — have I seen something astounding? Nope. I might say that line while absent-headedly staring at the stucco pattern in the ceiling. It means nothing. Saying the words and hearing the words is mysteriously reassuring, that’s all.
• “I hate these mashed potatoes. There’s a dead fly in my mashed potatoes.” I haven’t eaten mashed potatoes in years, nor a dead fly ever, but this line comes out of my mouth ten or twenty times a month. It’s a quote from the movie Close Encounters.
• “My balls are a living thing.” I couldn’t tell you where that line comes from, but I’ve been saying it forever. Logically, my balls are part of a living thing (me), but not an independent entity (to my knowledge) so the statement is somewhat misleading.
• “My penis burns with a flaming itch.” That’s a symptom of syphilis, but I am proudly syphilis-free and always have been, so it’s just another nonsensical thing I say to myself.
If I was a sit-com, you could call these my catchphrases, like “Dyn-o-mite!” on Good Times, or “That’s what she said” on The Office. Those lines were funny, though. Mine are just stupid, something I say just to remind me that I’m here. My voice pierces the silence, so I’m not a tree fallen in the forest.
As with a lot of the stupider stuff on this site, all the above wasn’t worth writing or reading, but it’s an invitation. I am curious whether “ordinary people” — an elusive and perhaps fictional concept — have stupid lines like mine, that they say to themselves for no discernible reason.
♦ ♦ ♦
Now I’ll title this post something dumb, on purpose, and look for a repulsive illustration to accompany it. Why? Because I glanced at the stats, and saw that the site’s readership has ticked upward a bit. I never want this site to be popular, so this should push the numbers back down again.
10/30/2021
Republished 4/5/2025
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