Retirement home solutions

by Paul Modic

I was wondering recently if there are senior sex services for horny elderly people in old folks homes in enlightened countries like Denmark, for example, and how that would work?

"Mr G, we're here for your weekly hand job," the nurse says. "This is J who will be assisting you today."

"I can't tell if it's a man or woman behind that gown, mask, and splashguard," Mr G responds.

"Does it really matter, Mr G?" the nurse asks.

"Ah, I guess not," Mr G says. "I'm glad you came early in the morning, this is the only one I get these days."

"Yes, first thing is our best shot for you, but we also have Viagra for other times of the day," the nurse says.

"Oh I'm a little scared of that, my heart condition you know," he says.

"Oh come on, you're practically a vegetable anyway and what a way to go!"

"Yeah I guess. If I can't tell who that is it may as well be a robot."

"We can arrange that."

"Okay, you were a little late and I was concerned and thinking 'Who ya gotta blow to get a hand job these days?'"

"Would you like a blowjob Mr G?"

"Sure! So do you diddle the little old ladies here too?"

"Some of our elderly female clients are also in the program, they paid for the premium package as did you."

"So it all comes down to money?"

"I'm afraid so Mr G."

"What about our famous socialized medicine?"

"Everyone gets as much lube as they want."

"Do you think I could have a little hands-on fun with one of those old biddies?"

"Yes, you can upgrade to our match-making package if you'd like."

"When would you send her over?"

"Oh Mr G, first you meet for coffee."

"Of course!"

"Would you like to sign up for our Ultimate Sexual Experience Package?"


"Very well. J, please bring in the strap-on."

— — —

The other day I was driving around this small town looking for someone I knew who liked my stories so I could hand them one, getting this guest post on Doug's site will be a step up in publication!

I do get stories in the
Anderson Valley Advertiser from time to time where I first spotted Doug's stuff and thoroughly enjoyed it. However the editor there is a decent guy who doesn't like my indecent pieces hence here I am to inflict one on YOU!

I write 99% non-fiction and like Doug make a story out of just about anything, which I call my non-stories, or stories about nothing. (Possibly they are stories about EVERYTHING?)

It's fun to play around with fiction but I usually abuse it and take it too far, as you can see: real life is just real life but fiction can be ANYTHING.

Please comment, I'm so needy. (I know, that's a turnoff, so be it!)

—Paul Modic 


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  1. That's hilarious!

  2. This guy Modic is OK. thanks

    1. Better than OK, in my opinion.

    2. Ha, thanks, but I'll take the "OK." I did like my "That's hilarious" comment as I tried to prime the pump...Never mind, they love you Doug, and thanks again, you laid it out nice...


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