I am a Superfund site

I don't want to shave or comb my hair, and I don't want to pay a barber, so once monthly I've been taking clippers to my head, and chopping my hair down to stubble.

Being profoundly lazy, my haircuts happen on the small, spare porch that's just outside my bedroom door, so I don't need to sweep up afterwards.

Hair is biodegradable, right? It'll blow away in the wind, and eventually add nutrients and protein to the soil. Cutting my hair outside and not sweeping it up is me being green!

Except, whoops. Today, perhaps the 15th time I've trimmed my hair and beard on the balcony, as I leaned over the edge to let the wind have my clippings, I happened to glance downward.

The porch is on the second floor, and below is grass, interrupted by breadbox-size rocks that protect the house from cars traversing a driveway. The green grass of home is between all the rocks, except for the two rocks directly below the porch. There's no grass at all between those rocks, only a dark mush. From the porch, it looked like motor oil.

Despite immediate suspicions, I finished trimming my hair before putting on shoes and trudging down the stairs for a better look at that clump of non-grass. As I'd feared, it's hair — matted together, wet from the rain, and it was preventing grass from growing.

But it's only hair, always dry as I cut it, not even oily. I certainly don't use hair products that might cause my fallen hair to clump.

Honestly and seriously, I'm amazed that in a year and a half shearing myself on the porch, my hair has not dispersed itself all across the county. It was supposed to blow away, but instead I've created a toxic waste site.

Being a generally bad citizen, I spent a few days arguing with myself, but today I went outside, and scooped a year and a half of my wet, sticky, icky hair into an old popcorn bag, and then dumped the bag in the neighbor's compost bin.

No more haircuts on the porch. My clippers run on rechargeable batteries, so from now on I'll walk around the block while doing my buzzcuts. I could use the exercise, and falling in smaller quantities all along the sidewalk, surely my hair will be biodegradable, right?

10/14/2023   

 itsdougholland.com
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