Ah, to be young again...

There are many things I'd do different, smarter, if I could do it all again. There are jobs I should have quit sooner, people I lost contact with, a few people I should've contacted with a punch in the nose, and I regret women I shouldn't have dated, but never mustered the courage to ask out.

The only thing I got absolutely right in my whole dang life was my wife. When she came along for twenty-plus years, life was good. Before and after, not so much.

It's been a good life, though. Haven't been miserable, even during all the years alone. I've always had adequate health, and life's been good to me, so far. 

Looking back on it all this morning, what surprises me is what I miss second most, after my wife:

If by some miracle of modern science fiction my youth could be restored, the very first thing I'd do is take a twenty-second piss.

What a joy that would be, to unzip, drain the spigot, rezip, maybe wash my hands, and be done with peeing in the time it took when I was young — twenty seconds. Even if I'd swallowed eleven cups of coffee or a gallon of Coke, it was always a reliable twenty seconds and zip.

Ah, to be young again...

As a senior citizen, peeing takes about two minutes. Unzip, stand and wait to even start, and once it's underway at a reasonable flow, it quickly tapers down to a trickle.

If I stop while it's trickling, I'll need to pee again in five minutes, so I gotta stand and trickle, stand and trickle, stand and trickle. I'm standing there trickling, looking at the wall, memorizing every smudge on the paint, trickling and trickling and trickling.

Doc prescribed pills several years ago, and the pills reduced my pee-time from two minutes to maybe half that. The prescription was expensive, though, and not covered by insurance even when I had insurance. It wasn't worth the price, for such a slight improvement.

So I stopped taking the pills, and it's two minutes for every pee again. Two minutes just standing there, trickling. If that doesn't seem like a long time to be peeing eight times daily, try it next time you gotta pee — just stand there for two minutes, looking at the wall.

In the middle of the night, I'll usually pee sitting down, because holding a steady aim ain't easy when I'm sleepy and standing for two damned minutes.

This morning, sitting on the toilet in the middle of the night, I fell asleep, and slept soundly for two hours. Woke up with a sore neck, and I'd dreamed of being young again, and peeing quickly.

Republished 4/19/2024   

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