Someone I vaguely know and don’t particularly like mentioned in passing that he’s paying “just $79 a month” for his cell phone bill. From his tone of
voice, he clearly thought this price was a steal.

It’s a steal, all right, and he paid hundreds of dollars for the phone.

My phone is wired to the wall, except it’s usually unplugged because I get grumpy when it rings. It doesn’t cost anywhere near $79, and includes unlimited long distance, which appeals to my frugal soul even though I’ve only made three or four long distance calls in the past few years.

I’m also paying $6 p/month for a cell phone, after buying it for $45. It’s always in the car, because my Chevy is almost old enough to vote and occasionally I need to call AAA and have it towed. As an added
feature for no extra charge, my cell phone can’t handle voice mail or text messages, and doesn’t connect to wi-fi.

I don’t carry a smart phone, because I don’t need to be entertained everywhere I go, monitoring my heart rate, reading or sending instant messages, or checking the Facebook account I’ve never signed up for and
never will. Any photos I care about are on a thumb drive.

Goes without saying that I’m an idiot, and my life would be exponentially more fulfilling if I bought a $900 LG V60 ThinQ 5G and started tweeting from
the toilet instead of reading an old-fashioned printed-on-paper newspaper while pooping. I’ll get right on that.

Like everyone else, I should be perpetually connected, have the internet in my pocket, hang out on SnapChat and Instagram and LinkedIn, take FitBit with me on walks, and let Mint balance my checkbook.

You can’t fight the zombie apocalypse, millions of brainless, soulless walking dead scrolling through screens 24/7, so we all might as well join ’em.

Nah. I’ll stay in the Stone Age, where I control the electronics instead of vice versa.

6/11/2020

itsdougholland.com
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