Never in bluejeans

The CEO has left the building, and flown back to New York City. He came and went without shaking hands or saying hello to any of the little people. I never even saw the schmuck from a distance, and he never saw that almost everyone on the eighth floor was dressed to the nines.

Several of the men who usually don’t even wear neckties came to work in fancy suits with vests. Some of the women wore long, colorful skirts and high-heel shoes. Even the few people who dressed in their ordinary work clothes seemed to be wearing their very best ordinary work clothes. It looked like a wedding reception, or backstage on some snooty PBS show imported from England.

“I didn’t get the memo” that Casual Friday had been canceled, so here’s what the well-dressed fat slob wears to the office, bottom to top:

• Black tennis-shoes. Tennies aren’t allowed even on Casual Fridays, but I wear them every day. You can get away with it if they’re all-black and with no logos or swooshes or anything. The security guards don’t inspect your feet.

• Jeans are allowed on Casual Fridays, but I don’t own any jeans so I wore my normal cheap polyester slacks. All my slacks are black, and today’s were the same pair I wore yesterday. I don’t do laundry often enough to change britches daily. 

• Dark blue pullover, with light blue-and-white piping on the arms and a small Big Mac sauce stain above the right nipple. $2 from Salvation Army. Added the stain myself. There’s also a big and obvious mustard mark at the very bottom, but you can’t see it when the shirt’s tucked in.

Monday-Thursday, all shirts are required to be button-down, so the pullover was my only expression of Casual Friday. But I was in open revolt against The Man, rules be damned, even though I was the only one who knew it or noticed.

♦ ♦ ♦

The only jeans I’ve ever owned were gifts. I never buy jeans, and I just remembered why, so now I'm gonna wax philosophical about bluejeans:

When I was a little kid and Mom was still buying my clothes, we went to a department store — Sears, probably, or JC Penny — and she told me to try on bluejeans. I did, but didn’t like them, and talked her into buying me some slacks instead. She didn’t ask why I didn’t want jeans, but I remember that, too.

It was because most of the kids at school didn’t like me, and I didn’t like most of the kids at school, and most of the kids at school wore bluejeans on most days — and especially all the mean kids. Never got bullied by any kid who wasn't wearing bluejeans.

I was a kid, and like any normal kid I wanted to be a normal kid, but … I didn’t want to wear the mean kids' uniform.

I still don’t. 

♦ ♦ ♦

It's payday, and I cashed this week’s paycheck, and last week’s paycheck. Going a week without spending was a semi-zenlike experience, and I recommend it and might do it again some time. Ordinary humans go on a diet to drop ten pounds, right? Go on a money diet and save fifty bucks.

I paid two weeks’ rent and the water bill, and bought some oranges, carrots, and bananas for a semi-healthy feast. There’s a good chunk of cash left over, and that’s the way (uh-huh uh-huh) I like it (uh-huh uh-huh).

♦ ♦ ♦

I just had my first pangs of TV withdrawal, when the theme from The X-Files came in the window from someone else’s window across the dumpster-patio. My instant impulse was to turn on the TV and see what Scully and Mulder are up to, but the feeling passed almost as quickly as it came.

From Pathetic Life #4
Friday, September 23, 1994

This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.

Pathetic Life 

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  1. Captain HampocketsJuly 23, 2021 at 8:34 AM

    Unrelated, but the Cleveland Indians just announced their new name. Cleveland Guardians. Jesus H Christ child, that's awful, but at least it's not "Indians."

    1. Hmmmm. Yeah, I don't like it, but if they'd been the Cleveland Guardians for 100+ years we wouldn't think twice about it. It's definitely a better name than Astros or Athletics or White Sox or Mariners. Or yeah, Indians.

    2. I like the Guardians name. I hope it sells shirts and caps enough to convince the Braves to quit their awful name.


    3. Named maybe mostly for the statues not far from the stadium. Guardians is growing on me.

      Sorry about Fubon though.

    4. Guardians seems great to me. Better than almost any other team name.

    5. Almost all sporty names are stupid though when you stop and think about it. Tigers. Dodgers. Giants that are normal sized men.

    6. Maybe because Guardians is still so new to the ear, but it seems more *serious* than any team names I can think of. And that's a good thing.

  2. Captain HampocketsJuly 23, 2021 at 8:53 AM

    I wanted Spiders.


    1. Spiders might've been good, but the more I've read about Guardians the more I'm liking it.

  3. > I didn’t want to wear the mean kids' uniform.

    Um I wear blue jeans often and I wasn't one of the mean kids.


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