Pina colada and nachos

It’s hump day (does anyone actually say that?) and that’s reason enough to treat myself to a double feature at the Tower Cinema. I love this theater — even the night shows are only $5, and you get Spanish subtitles at no extra charge.

The first feature was The Lion King, and I knew going in I'd be annoyed by anything from Walt Disney Inc, but like a train wreck, you gotta watch. Disney cartoons are huge hits every year, selling millions of tickets and videos to millions of families with kids. That means the next generation in almost every country on earth is being brainwashed by these movies, so let's see what damage Disney is doing now.

Aladdin teaches subtle racism, in the lyrics of the songs, and in the skin shadings and accents of the good guys and bad guys.

From Beauty & the Beast, we see that the way to win a lady’s heart is by kidnapping her.

The Little Mermaid shows that a girl’s highest aspiration is to get married.

So I paid my five dollars and watched Disney's The Lion King, and what's the moral of the story this time? Bow down to his Royal Majesty the Lion.

It's never questioned that the jungle must have a king, nor that the king’s son is the best of all possible future kings. Our leaders are kind-hearted, and always have your best interests at heart. These lions are vegetarians; they're not going to eat you. So yield to authority, trust your masters, you don't need a union at work, and heck, why even bother with elections every four years?

That's the moral and subtext of The Lion King, and yes, I'm a solid 60% serious about all this. 

I hate Disney because I love movies. When the lights dim and the movie starts, something should happen that you haven’t seen a hundred times already. Every plot development shouldn't be obvious and expected before it happens. Movies (especially movies for children) should have some smidgen of brightness behind them, something to spark an audience's intelligence, something you might think about, even briefly, after the movie is over — and without cringing.

Disney manufactures cinema. Their product is product, calculated to tug at your heartstrings but never challenge your intellect or preconceptions. And at Disney, it's always as much or more about merchandising than storytelling, because the really big profits come from Aladdin plush toys and Little Princess t-shirts and Lion King dishware.

What pisses me off most, though, is that I liked The Lion King. It's bland and cuddly and plays like an hour-and-a-half pat-on-your-head, but it has some smiles, most of the songs aren't too stupid, and the scenery is watercolor pretty. I let go of my Disney hatred and had a good time, and I hate that about me. Typing this the next day, I'm still humming “The Circle of Life,” damn it.

The second feature was The Mask, an enjoyable comedy/fantasy in which a meek bank teller suddenly has the ability to get revenge on those who done him wrong. The effects are great, the script is not 100% predictable, Jim Carrey is Jim Carrey, and newcomer Cameron Diaz gets an on-screen introduction almost as memorable as Omar Sharif’s in Lawrence of Arabia. The story is sketched, not really told, and it ain't 2001 but it's fun.

Also, I got hungry and the Tower sells yummy nachos with spicy gooey cheese, plus a pina colada non-alcoholic beverage that's only $2 for an extra-extra-large cup. Remember to say "no ice," though, or it'll melt in an hour and water down your drink.

♦ ♦ ♦

In the Mission, Heather wears an Afro.

From Pathetic Life #4
Wednesday, September 14, 1994

This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.

Pathetic Life 

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  1. Captain HampocketsJuly 12, 2021 at 5:59 AM

    I figure you know this already, but Disney totally stole The Lion King. Google "Kimba The White Lion."

  2. That was a fun night at the movies, and fuck old Walt.

    1. I think Walt himself was a decent man for a millionaire. It's the company he left behind that's the problem.


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