Sound vibes

It wasn't even a sexy dream. Something about breaking into my old office at Macy's to use their photocopier. When I woke up, though, I had a boner that wouldn't bend.

Twenty years ago, teenage me couldn't comprehend what I'm about to say, but it seemed like too much trouble to take matters in hand. Instead I laid on my side, pulled the covers off, and aimed the fan's cold air at my willy. It still wouldn't go down, though. To get back to sleep, I had to apply an ice pack to reduce the swelling.

♦ ♦ ♦

A man on the sidewalk liked by "Upstairs, visit the shop upstairs!" spiel, and he volunteered to give be a 'sound vibe'.

You don't know what that is? Neither did I. "What the hell is a 'sound vibe'?" I asked, and he explained. He works in advertising for Sunkist, they're coming out with Sunkist brand mixed nuts this summer, and the promotional gimmick will be 'sound vibes'.

"It's great," he promised, and then he knelt behind my back and ooooohed loudly onto my spine. It vibrated my innards, ever so slightly, and that's a 'sound vibe'. It wasn't nearly as nifty as those 25¢ magic finger beds at Motel 6, but he assured me that all the cool kids will be doing 'sound vibes' all summer. 

Advertising is bullshit, of course, but what do you think? if the power of Sunkist commands it, will we all be ooooohing over each other's backs? Or was he just a perv with a kink for making music on fat men's backsides?

♦ ♦ ♦ 

What I wasn't in the mood for this morning, I kinda was in the afternoon. It was a sunny day, with a thousand attractive women walking past. Sudden wind gusts from nowhere occasionally lifted skirts off the pretty women's pretty legs. The panty census was one black, one pink, two white, but sadly, no none at all. 

Toward sunset, I watched two women holding hands as they approached, one wearing a low-cut blouse, both with long hair, and like any man i was hoping for at least a moment of eye contact and a smile.

As they came closer, though, the blond in the low-cut blouse turned out to be a man. He wasn't even in drag, just a hippie on a day pass out of the Haight. 

Anybody here seen my fading eyesight? Everything is a bit of a blur until it's a few feet in front of my nose. I have a pair of glasses, bought at a second-hand store and approximately my prescription, but I only wear them to the movies, because one of the ear loops broke off.

From Pathetic Life #12
Friday, May 5, 1995

This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.

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