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A big fat failure

Today was a day for doing dang near nothing. I answered some mail, sent out some sample issues, and worked on recent diary entries.

Yeah, there's work involved in writing this crap. Nobody would want to read the first draft of any day of my life, full of typos and dullness and just the facts, bub. Well, the facts remain the same, but the application of a little rewrite rouge is where the real writing happens.

After a few hours of that, it began to bore me, so I took a walk, ate some cinnamon rolls, had a long nap, and woke up with doubts about all of this.

I am a big fat failure, you know — and I know it too. Writing about being a big fat failure doesn't make the big fat failures any less big or fat or failures.

The guy writing this is not old yet, but certainly not young. I'm in my late 30s. By my age, most people are married with children, and some kind of career is in progress. They have a house, a car, money in the bank, and plans for a vacation. Maybe most people even believe in something.

I don't. I have none of that, no chance at any of that, and not much desire for any of that.

What do I want? I do not know, so day after day until I die, I make do. I try to keep myself amused and distracted, try to have a good time, and usually do.

Most days, I'm successfully amused and distracted, but if I keep doing what I'm doing what's it going to add up to?

Imagine my obituary — "He was a grumpy fat hermit who lived his life alone, had a good time, and died."

And I can live with that. It sounds sucky because it is, but it's the best option available. Accomplishing something worthwhile? Making a difference? Improving the world? Bah, none of that was ever a possibility. Not for me.

But you know something?

Most of the people I've known who got married, also got divorced. Most people with children seem perpetually exhausted, full of worries about their kids. Most people with a career spend five days every week looking forward to two days off.

Most people with a house and car always seem to be working on one or the other. Most people with money in the bank get bills in the mail. Most people who plan a lovely vacation come home disappointed. And most people who believe in something, it's bullshit what they believe.

I ain't judging. You do what you want to do in the pursuit of happiness, and I hope you find yours. What suits me best is being a big fat failure. 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

And here's my failure for today: For the past two Tuesdays I've gone to CopWatch's office to try signing up, because they keep telling me the office is only open on Tuesday afternoons. But both times it was closed, and I've left a few messages and they keep telling me to show up any Tuesday afternoon.

Today I totally forgot it was Tuesday, so the initiation, orientation, dues, or whatever's supposed to happen some Tuesday won't happen until next Tuesday.

From Pathetic Life #20
Tuesday, January 23, 1996

This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.

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