It was Tuesday when I received and answered Sarah-Katherine’s letter, the one where she said, “I need to leave Seattle soon, very soon. If you can’t go with me to New York right away, that’s all right. I’ll go, and wait for you to come to me…”
She’ll probably receive my wishy-washy response today or tomorrow, but another letter from her came in today’s mail.
From Pathetic Life #20
Friday, January 12, 1996
It says she’s leaving for New York a week from today, on a scouting expedition. She’ll fly there, stay in a hostel, and look around at the various neighborhoods to get a feel for the place, maybe get pricing on possible apartments. She’ll only be spending the weekend in New York, then she’ll fly back to Seattle to start packing.
And more and more, when she writes “New York” what I’m seeing is “goodbye.”
If it takes six more months (it would probably take longer) for me to save up the funds to follow her, jeez, by then she’ll be a New York woman. She’s not rich, so she’ll have to take a tiny room alone, or a shared space with other poor people, and in six months she’ll have a circle of friends, and what’ll I be? Her fat friend from San Francisco, sleeping on the couch.
See, Sarah-Katherine and I are not a couple. We never have been, never will be. What she’s offered me is a friends-with-benefits arrangement, while we’re sharing an apartment in New York City. But she’s an attractive woman. Six months is a long time. If I’m not there for six months or probably longer, the benefits probably won’t be there either.
If I show up in the summer or autumn, by then she’ll almost certainly have a serious boyfriend or girlfriend, depending on which way the winds blow. Philosophically and physically, where would I fit in?
I’m not sure there’d even be a couch for me, for more than a few days. I’d be in a new city where I’d only know one person, who might well have no room in her life or apartment for me. She might be involved with someone else, and maybe having tea with me on Tuesdays.
And by having tea with me, I mean just that — having tea.
I am quite fond of Sarah-Katherine, and I’d love to have tea with her any time, any place, but I’m not sure about moving across the country to have tea with her, so it might be time to give this whole daydream some serious reconsideration.
This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.
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