Happy that way

The pay-phone rang on my way out of the hotel this morning, and everything from yesterday flashed back at me. It wasn't quite PTSD-ing, but I'm still angry about it.

That bastard Bennett's phone harassment reminds me of the idiots who approach me on Telegraph and ask if I'm the guy who does that zine — only Bennett did it where I live. 

And he probably doesn't even think he was out of line. I'll bet he thinks I'm the asshole, for hanging up on him.

♦ ♦ ♦  

Washed a lot of dishes for Judith during the day, and then washed a lot of fuckin' dishes for that fuckin' Gary all fuckin' night. It's nice having two people hand wads of cash to me on the same day, and I don't mind washing dishes, but there's not much more to say about washing dishes.

♦ ♦ ♦  

It was kinda complicated, words difficult to find, so I didn't write about this when it happened on Saturday, and also I was sleepy. Days later it's keeps crossing my mind, though, so I'm gonna write about it now:

Brenda had her table set up and was selling her art, but we didn't talk much. There was a new vendor working nearby, and Brenda waved at her and walked over to say hello. They had a long and friendly conversation, and I assumed that they were old friends, and said so to Brenda, but she said nope, they'd never met until that morning.

For the rest of the day Brenda wandered to that lady's table a lot, and that lady wandered over to Brenda's table, and they shared chuckles and yuks and stories.

They're people people, see, and people people make friends like that, quick, easy, probably long-lasting. I'm anti-people anti-people, so I'd never even think of doing what Brenda did — crossing the street and walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation.

Whenever someone does that to me, I go full armadillo. I am quiet by nature, shy around people, introverted, and happy that way.

The whole day went by, and when the new vendor packed up and left late in the afternoon, I still hadn't said hello to her. If she's there next weekend and the weekend after, I might eventually say 'hi', but not if I gotta cross the street to do it. When she's been there for a month or two, I might even say more than 'hi', but I'm in no hurry to get to know her, or anyone. 

And it hits me how alone I am in this life, but what hits me hardest is knowing I'm happy that way. I'd rather be left alone than suffer through most conversations I suffer through.

The people people never believe it, but not everyone who's alone is miserable. I kinda like being alone, and usually prefer it, so stay away, please. There's a palm tree for shade, easy fishin', and a typewriter on this desert island, so I'm good, thanks.

From Pathetic Life #24
Tuesday, May 7, 1996

This is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago, called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting things, so parental guidance is advised.


  1. Again, I'm anonymous from Japan, but this is Joe, AKA, Captain Hampockets.

    Virginia and I just finished the weekend selling her pottery at Maryland's May Day Faerie Festival. It's a fun, family friendly event. Lots of people in costume, faerie garb, etc. Strong renn faire vibes. We did OK, sold about 3.6K gross in pottery. A thousand less than last year, but OK.

    Point is - Virginia is my version of your Brenda. She is a people person. She thrives on that shit. Once our booth is set up, she makes sure I'm good to sit there and sell mugs, then she goes off and fucking makes friends with people. It's great for the business - she develops relationships, sets up barter / trade deals, etc. But goddamn, I couldn't do it. I sit in the booth and sell pots. I mean, I am a very, very good retail person. I am friendly and talkative. People love me as a retail stooge. But going out and approaching people?


  2. Gosh darn & exactly. The world probably needs people like Brenda and Virginia, and I really liked Brenda so it's no slam, but that kind of outgoingness is a talent I never had.

    If you don't like being anonymous, you can get your name back by clicking the little triangle after "Comment as" and selecting "Google Account."

    1. It takes all kinds, and in addition to that there are so many exceptions. Sometimes even I would like someone to come over at talk to me. It's just that whenever anyone does, it's almost always someone like my flatmate Dean, someone who doesn't want a conversation, just wants to hear himself talking, and figures the quiet guy is the most likely audience.

      If you, dear anonymous, want to come over and talk to me when I'm leaning alone against a wall, I'd probably enjoy it., because you'd have your antenna up for any signals that come back. When I broadcast those signals at 20,000 megawatts and even say, I'm OK leaning here thanks, but still the voice goes on and on, for me that's the horror of human existence. And you wouldn't do that, so don't let me change you. Be as inquisitive as you like, and rescue those wallflowers at the party — some of them might appreciate being rescued. Just please God keep scanning for any obvious go-away signals.

      Oh, oops, I see at the end that you're Arden, not anonymous. So you're even more welcome to talk at me. :)

  3. That's a lot of work. I usually just comment as myself when not using the VPN.

    1. That's a lot of work? I admire your high standards of laziness sir!

    2. Captain HampocketsMay 11, 2023 at 4:57 AM

      Well, Lately, I've been using the VPN and Firefox to browse Reddit, and I'm being very very cautious. This current account Far_Blueberry_2375 has lasted for at least a month. I very carefully log out every time I need to do something without the VPN. So sometimes, if I wanna comment on your blog (like now) while on the VPN, I don't feel like logging out and closing tabs and closing the VPN just so my picture and name are there. I'll see if it lets me put a name now, though...

    3. Oh yeah, I'd almost forgotten about your Reddit hassles. Makes more sense.

      I'd prefer to be VPNing all the time, but the grocery store won't let me shop unexposed, and a lot of websites throw extra capchas at me, and it's a pain in the arse.


🚨🚨 If you have problems posting a comment, please click here for help. 🚨🚨