Part 7 of this issue’s
letters to Pathetic Life

You might remember that a few days ago a tall, shaved-headed boy with
pierced eyebrows approached you on Telegraph Avenue, and asked if you
were the one who writes Pathetic Life. You, being who you are, recoiled,
and out popped, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” but I think it
was you and you did know.

Shame on you, Doug. I wasn’t there, but I live with that
tall boy, and he had a gift for you. You wrote in the zine that you were
going to be nicer to strangers, so we thought we could give you
something nice, but instead you want to be the man of mystery, have at
it.—Madison,
Stead NVTell the tall, shaved-headed boy with pierced eyebrows that I said hello.
You can also tell him, I am not a sociable fellow, especially when caught by surprise, and he’s lucky he didn’t get maced.
Yes, I remember writing
that I’d try being nicer to strangers. I tried, and I’m done
trying. As explained way too many times in the zine, I don’t
relish having strangers approach me, and even if strangers come bearing
gifts, my preferred gift would be being left alone. —DH I
work with a man named Doug. My Doug is annoying, like a rat terrier, so I
keep a rolled-up newspaper on my desk with “for use on Doug” written on
it with blue marker. That should keep him from humping my leg — just
whack him across the nose!Every time we go for coffee, he puts
his hand in his pockets and counts his change, hoping one of us will buy
his coffee for him, but every time his wife lets him out of the house
with a few bucks he buys himself a big breakfast of sausage and eggs.
He’s never offered to buy me coffee, the sorry little shit. And this
from a guy who pulls down $30K a year, at least…—Earl Lee,
Pittsburg KSThis
is maybe not the response you were hoping for, and please don’t whack
me in the nose, but other than earning a decent salary and wanting to
hump your leg, your Doug sounds a lot like me. —DH  The
love of my life and I have been together for one year as of tomorrow,
and it gets better every day. Life gets less and less pathetic.I found
it hard to believe that there really was that one person out there meant
for me, and vice versa (it’s the vice versa part that usually messes
things up), but I won’t fight my good fortune; I’ll just have to live
with it.I enjoyed your latest installment (PL#22). It was
interesting seeing you change your approach to readers who greeted you.
There are some interesting people out there who don’t want anything from
you. I hope the pleasant surprises have continued, and may you get what
you wish for, Doug.—Jim Moul,
Acworth NH
You may
have missed some recent issues, Jim. Back in March, yeah, Josh convinced
me to be more congenial with readers who find me at my workplace, but
after a few very unpleasant interactions, I’m convinced that my readers —
or at least, the ones who’d seek me out when I’ve explicitly said Please don’t — are not the kind of people I want to meet.I’m very
happy you’ve found love, though. I’ve heard about love all my life,
sometimes I think it’s a sham and it doesn’t really exist, but I want
you to have it all the days of your life, sir. —DH After reading about some of the weird or disgusting jobs you’ve been
doing, I decided I’d like to take on your services. Enclosed is $5. I
want you to take one hour and go to the park and read some zines, or do
something equally pleasurable and relaxing.—Jerianne Thompson,
A Shattered Mind
Cordova TNThank
you, Jerianne! Had a wonderful time at Dolores Park, in the sunshine
with a sandwich and a couple of zines, and got paid for it. And I didn’t
even have to write an essay, like I did for that guy a few pages ago.So
many nice people read this grumpy guy’s zine, it makes me think all
the nice people are really closeted grumps. Or maybe I’m a closeted
nice guy, but that seems doubtful.  —DH  

Our
friend and neighbor, an ex-drag queen, got a new roommate, a highly
intelligent middle-aged gay man who just dropped out of the priesthood.
We have had some marvelous conversations.It seems that when he was a
priest, he began to read a lot about environmental concerns, and he
tried to interject this into his homilies at mass, warning people of the
disastrous effects that would come from humans continuing to pollute
our fragile environment. The Big Guys (hierarchy of the church) were
upset with that, and forbade him to continue.That’s when he began to
question every single thing about the church. Now he’s just one of our
movie buddies, and I think that’s a much better station in life.—Phyllis B,
San DiegoWell,
give that ex-priest an exclamation point and a hug. Love it when
someone figures his way out of someplace he shouldn’t be. —DH I
have enjoyed most of Pathetic Life but I didn’t renew my subscription
because I don’t give a rat’s ass about your curly sweaty ass hairs and
other similar ramblings you are so prone to do. Don’t get me wrong, I
enjoy your clever ramblings. I just require that my reading material
aim a little higher than the lowest common denominator, sometimes at
least. —Bob M
West Harwich MSIt wasn’t my curly sweaty
ass hairs; I only worked there.But I take your meaning — too many
fart, shit, and jism stories. You’re the third person who’s taken the
time and trouble to tell me that’s a problem, but three others have
mentioned it as a plus. Stay tuned for further results as the votes are
counted.Seems to me that farts, shits, and jism are part of life,
and some days they’re the best parts, and the zine is my life, so no
apologies. I will, however, say ‘excuse me’ if I accidentally fart,
shit, or jism while we’re in the same room. —DH Here’s three bucks for the next issue, but I gotta run, because I have the runs.—Jack M,
San Antonio I
have a little sip of Pepto-Bismol first thing in the morning, and my
stool gets firm and not quite so stinky. Hey, I need all the help I can
get.Why don’t girls like me?I haven’t gone shooting in about a month — maybe that’s why I’m so cranky.—Corby Simpson,
Salem OR I found Jesus! He was hiding in my closet, masturbating.Religion
is for people who can believe in smoke and mirrors. A co-worker tried
to tell me that my friend Natalie’s childhood sexual abuse was “God’s
way of making her stronger.” Yeah, she’s so strong she tried to kill
herself how many times? Co-worker is a fucking moron. The same moron is
going into the Army, and is the most patriotic schmendrick I’ve ever
met. I hope he gets gang raped in the shower.If I can’t look at a lesbian’s cleavage, can I at least look at a transvestite’s bulge?—Joe Gallo,
Trenton NJGang rapes in the shower would be, I guess, God’s way of making that moron stronger. —DH  I’ll tell you this in confidence (but sure, you can print it). I’ve been on the zine scene for almost seven years, both as a participant and reader, and the number one thing that I learned in that time is the importance of postage and money.Think of a zine as a plant. Kind words, good reviews and praise are important, of course. They are the sunlight; the leaves of the plant turn into its direction to receive it. Turn the plant away from the light and it’ll turn back towards it.But the plant can’t survive without water, and that is the postage and money. Without water, the plant will shrivel up and die in short order —  it doesn’t matter how much sunlight it gets. In fact, sunlight can sometimes make things worse, baking the soil and drying the roots (exactly what national exposure can do to a tiny zine, overwhelming it with incomplete or nuisance requests).It’s an unfortunate lesson, but money is what you need to maintain a zine. The main lesson I carried away with my zine experience is, support your favorite zines with both praise and money. So, let me be a bit of sunshine and water to you, if you will, Doug. You’ll turn green and leafy and breathe in lots of carbon dioxide in no time…Damn, I knew that metaphor would break down…—Glynnis,
New OrleansThank you for the nice letter and the substantial plant nutrients you enclosed. All begging aside, your botany analogy is exactly right, especially the bit about national exposure. Pathetic Life was mentioned in the mainstream media (New York Times, Interview, etc) but it brought mostly requests for ‘information’ and a brief influx of $3 checks, payable to either Pathetic Life or my Doug Holland non de plume, and hence worthless. Lotsa sunshine, with no chance of rain. —DH

More of this issue’s
letters to Pathetic Life:

This
is an entry retyped from an on-paper zine I wrote many years ago,
called Pathetic Life. The opinions stated were my opinions then, but
might not be my opinions now. Also, I said and did some disgusting
things, so parental guidance is advised.Addendum, 2023: All through re-typing the zine, I’ve been Googling the names mentioned, if there’s both a first and last name. Today, again, my searched brought me to an obituary.It’s sad, yeah, but it sounds like Jim Moul of Acworth NH had a nice enough life, and he and that woman he was so rhapsodic about lived happily ever after. I kinda love that.