The Last Voyage, and a few more films

NEVERENDING
FILM FESTIVAL
#234  [archive]
DEC. 11, 2023

Cool as Ice (1991)

Did someone dare me to watch this? 

Vanilla Ice plays a white rapper in a small town, in love with a girl who doesn't know he's trouble.

In spirit, this is an Elvis movie, with the major difference being that Elvis could sing and act.

Verdict: NO.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Double Nickels (1977)
a/k/a Split-Second Smokey

Two highway patrol cops are so stupid, they think they have a part-time gig repossessing cars, but actually they're stealing the cars. 

Back in the day, lowbrow action like this was churned out for drive-ins and Southern theaters, and this is better than most of the genre. Which isn't to say it's good, but it's harmless, and ends with stuff blowing up. 

Verdict: MAYBE.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Frankenhooker (1990)

Jeffrey Franken has always been a tinkerer, so he invented a remote-controlled lawnmower, but it tragically mulched his fiancée Elizabeth "in a blaze of blood, bones, and body parts."

He's haunted by her death, but still hopes to patch things up by sewing what's left of her onto a new body.

This is a self-aware schlock comedy, and it's funnier and more fun than you'd expect. It has gross-out effects and exploding prostitutes, sure, and a dinner date with a decapitated head, but basically it's the folksy story of a good kid with a can-do attitude. 

James Lorinz hits exactly the right notes of New Jersey innocence and insanity as the amateur surgeon and mad scientist. Louise Lasser has a small but sweet role as his mom, and the lovely Patty Mullen plays what's left of Elizabeth.

Co-written and directed by Frank Henenlotter, who made Basket Case and Brain Damage and founded Something Weird Video.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Labyrinth (1986)
Streaming free

Jennifer Connelly is too young for me to admit she's hot, and David Bowie plays the Goblin King, which for him isn't really acting. She wishes her baby brother was gone, and Bowie materializes to seize the kid. To get the boy back, she must embark on a long and perilous journey and interact with Muppet monsters.

There are many imaginative Muppets here, and some truly stunning visuals. There are songs by Bowie and by the Muppets, of which none are particularly good, but none are awful. 

It's a kids' movie, and if you're ten or still a kid at heart, it might be magical. I'm not ten, not even at heart, and Labyrinth held my interest only sporadically. The problem, for me anyway, is that when they're not trying for laughs, Muppets are mildly annoying.

Written by Terry Jones. Produced by George Lucas. Directed by Jim Henson.

Verdict: YES, but not for me.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Last Voyage (1959)

Next time you're in the mood for old-school action-adventure with thrills and cheers and tears and soggy drama that never lets up, this is it, baby. It's really something.

We're sailing across the ocean blue aboard the Claridon, a creaky but classy passenger liner that's scheduled for decommission soon. In the movie's first moments, though, the captain is handed a note: "Fire in the engine room."

This interrupts dinner in the ship's grand dining hall, where a thousand passengers are eating steaks and drinking wine. To avoid a panic, the captain very calmly and slowly excuses himself, making polite chitchat with several passengers as he glides through the overdressed crowd toward whatever emergency awaits.

After that, it's a series of small incidents and sweat and shouts and frights and explosions. Captain George Sanders is a skipper brave and sure, but not infallible. Robert Stack tries to save Dorothy Malone, but she's trapped under a cracked support beam. Woody Strode is a deckhand called to heroics. 

All this is occasionally corny, sure, but none of it's tripe. It is emphatically not The Poisidon Adventure, and there's not an all-star cast of cardboard archetypes and melodramatics of heroism or stupidity. The Last Voyage follows only a few characters, and they're all interesting and believable. Stack surprisingly doesn't overact (much), and Malone is seriously good in the most dramatic role she ever had.

It's especially riveting because you can see the rivets. It was unmistakably filmed on an aging passenger ship, which MGM frickin' sank to make the movie. (I typed that before looking it up, then checked, and it's true.) Filmed on location, indeed — you've seen sinking ships in the movies, but this one is not a scaled-down model in a tank.

The reality of the ship, its aging pipes and bulkheads and the general hugeness of an ocean liner, compliments the pretty good script and acting, and makes for a fine voyage to the bottom of the sea.

Written and directed by Andrew L. Stone (Stormy Weather). 

Verdict: YES, and very nearly BIG YES.

12/11/2023   

• • • Coming attractions • • •

Greystoke (1984)
Hugo (2011)
The Importance of Being Earnest (1952)
The Lawyer (1970)
Not of This Earth (1957)
The Saint in New York (1938)
Same Kind of Different as Me (2017)
The Shooting (1966)
The Spook Who Sat by the Door (1973)
The Train (1964)
Welcome to New Orleans (2006)
Winter Soldier (1972)

... plus occasional 
schlock and surprises 

There are so many good movies out there — old movies, odd or artsy, foreign or forgotten movies, or do-it-yourself movies made just for the joy of making them — that if you only watch whatever's on Netflix or playing at the twenty-plex, you're missing out.

To get beyond the ordinary, I recommend:

Alter • Cineverse • Criterion • CultCinema Classics • DocsVille • Dust • Fandor • Films for Action • Hoopla • IHaveNoTV • IndieFlix • Internet Archive • Kanopy • KinoCult • Kino Lorber • Korean Classic Film • Christopher R Mihm • Mosfilm • Mubi • National Film Board of Canada • New Yorker Screening Room • Damon Packard • Mark Pirro • PizzaFlix • PopcornFlix • Public Domain Movies • RareFilmm • Scarecrow Video • Shudder • ThoughtMaybe • Timeless Classic Movies • VoleFlix • WatchDocumentaries • or your local library. 

Some people even access films through shady methods, though of course, that would be wrong.

— — —

Illustration by Jeff Meyer. Reviews are spoiler-free, or at least spoiler-warned. Click any image to enlarge. Arguments & recommendations are welcome, but no talking once the lights dim, and only real butter on the popcorn, not that fake yellow stuff. 

 

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