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1,000 to ten to zero

Most of the jobs I've applied for do not exist, I'm convinced. For whatever reasons, someone's been told to run job listings, but they're not actually hiring.

Applying for these phantom jobs only puts me on spam lists, to receive daily announcements of another twenty jobs that aren't real. Applying to any of them only buys me more spam. Every day, I un-subscribe from a few more of these junk job list emailings.

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So far this month, I've applied for more than a hundred jobs so far, getting desperater and desperater, and getting grumpy about it.

Gave my flatmate Dean the raspberries this morning, and my dour mood is contaminating my movie reviews, and my blog comments. If that's a problem, of course, please bite me.

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I've applied for jobs I'm qualified for, jobs I'm very qualified for, jobs I'd be perfect for, but the phone never stops not ringing.

That's new to me. Maybe I've said this before, but I'll say it again: All my life, the ratio has been reliable: five or so applications, three or so job interviews, and then somebody hires me. These days the ratio is about 1,000 to ten to zero.

A few of the jobs I'll never get had me briefly optimistic. Office support for a homeless charity! Driving and delivering hot meals for old folks! Hell, for either job I'd cheerfully offer a $2 or $3 an hour discount. For the hot meals job, I told 'em that.

And yet, my phone just sits there. Is the ringer off? It's not, but it might as well be.

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On the bright side, I'm making progress getting this room cleaned and emptied. Summer's a good time to be homeless. I can probably shower twice weekly at Mom's house.

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Most of the work I've applied for is 'entry level', stuff anyone could do — burgers or lawn work or hotel night desk, etc. Several of the jobs that won't have me are at retail chains, and two of my applications went to two different locations of Walgreens.

Both Walgreens apps earned identical form letters from corporate headquarters, telling me, "After careful consideration of all applications received, we have decided not to move forward with your candidacy for this position."

Walgreens was probably the job I wanted least out of the hundreds I've applied for, but none of the other rejections made me angry like the Walgreens rejections. So I filed a third application with them, for a third location, and attached a different résumé and cover letter. Instead of the truth about my work history in mostly office jobs, I bragged about my many years of fictional experience in retail, working for Target, Kroger, and 7-Eleven.

Guess I should've been lying all along. Walgreens got back to me in days, and at the interview, I snowed them with some retail-lingo found on the internet, and a made-up story about how swell I handled an irate customer. 

Walgreens has offered me a job, contingent on the results of a background check. If they do the bare-minimum and check only to see if I have any arrests, convictions, or prison time in my past, I'm hired. If they actually check my references, I'll still be unemployed. 

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Meanwhile, the 1990s came calling: I'm still running my "I'll do anything" ad, similar to the ones I nailed onto telephone poles during the Pathetic Life era, but now on a local online bulletin board.

In months of running that ad, it's gotten me no work, and all of the very few inquiries have been either somewhat or extremely sketchy. Two men have asked me to move in, and another even used the term 'sugar daddy', but all three went silent when I explained that I'm a man.

This morning, though, there came an inquiry exactly like 30 years ago — a guy needs some work done, and he was straightforward about it, with nothing that set off my mental alarms.

He owns an Italian restaurant, and wasn't dissuaded even when I gave him all the bad news in a single burst — ① I'm not Italian, ② haven't worked in restaurants much and it's been decades, ③ I can't cook, and also ④ I'm old and fat.

Despite all those negatives, he still seems interested. I kinda liked him on the phone, and he seemed to like me. He said it's too hectic to meet during the weekend, but promised he'd call again on Monday.

Even if he doesn't call, doesn't hire me, talking to him was worth it just for the two-minute jolt of optimism.

Homelessness is still my likeliest outlook, but there's a chance I'll soon be washing a restaurant's dishes, bussing tables, sweeping floors, and taking out the trash. Or maybe I'll be saying, "Thank you for shopping at Walgreens" a thousand times daily.

5/10/2024   

itsdougholland.com
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12 comments:

  1. CVS, huh? I think you are about my age, maybe a year or two older. I wouldn’t want to wake up tomorrow and have to stock tampons, toothpaste and Nyquil on some drugstore shelf, and then also hustle up to the cash register to ring up some stuck-up bitch’s jar of probiotics. Rough. I genuinely wish you all the best, and hope there are very few customers on your shifts.

    I seen some comments on here about the campus protests against Israel. We got one here where I live, and I went for a visit. If anyone is interested, here is a link to the video: https://youtu.be/--CMM6pkrBU?si=Kwp1h-yJ2bPryNxs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you sir, for braving the horrors of the anti-genocide protest and encampment. Hope you don't suffer through too much PTSD, and same for the squirrels. Excellent video!

      CVS told me to expect a post-background check call-back and info about training by Friday, which was the day before yesterday. I'm still looking for work, and can't stop looking until the morning I punch a timeclock somewhere.

      Delete
    2. "Let's walk through and give everyone a chance to assault me or terrorize me"

      This was very enjoyable. However, one criticism: all those signs demanding the university "divest" is clearly a call for monetary terrorism. Consulting the lessons of history, I believe this may have even lead to the extinction of the dinosaurs.

      Delete
    3. When will we ever learn? When will we e-ver learn?

      But dang it, you used *exactly* the same excerpt I'd already typed for a link in the next news & links round-up.

      Delete
    4. What a delightful video...it deserves to go viral. I just posted a link to it on Reddit, here:
      https://www.reddit.com/r/Gaza/comments/1crd5q6/university_of_michigan_palestinian_protest/

      Delete
  2. Sounds like "Sugar Daddy" is you best bet. Time to invest in a bra and high heels. And a wig.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That was me, Zeke Krahlin, who just posted the sugar daddy quip, along with the post praising Racicot's video. Since I use the "anonymous" option for my comments I try to remember to add my name on the bottom, but it's easy to forget.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The commenting system is a labyrinth of things that can go wrong, but after some years I've figured it out, mostly. If you click "Name/URL" instead of Anonymous, you can type 'Zeke' and even add your URL (optional) for a live link, and it's just as anonymous to the software. Probably not anonymous at all, but no different. :)

      Delete
  4. I'm still trying to figure out how this software works. What is the virtue of posting "anonymous" if you're going to sign it. I'm sure there is one -- I just can't figure it out.

    jtb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The virtue is that you can guarantee your name is in the post if you remember to type it in. Since signing in w/Google or your email address somehow fails to take care of that. At least, that's been my experience so far.

      Delete
    2. Signing in with Google is what Google wants you to do, so it treats you better if you do. It's the only way to have a picture and never have to type a name or select 'anonymous'. But like most things on Google''s 'Blogger' platform, it sometimes doesn't work right.

      Delete
    3. Get all excited, I've written a new page explaining the several recurring issues with the commenting system. No solutions, of course, just a long series of known issues.

      Delete

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