Mustard toast

Cranky Old Man #72

I know you’ve been waiting, so here’s the ten best films of 1931.

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I pay little attention to drug prohibition hysteria these days, but it’s an eyeball roll when the Drug Enforcement Agency is decoding emojis to protect us from drug abuse.

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And here’s some drug-induced drug protection from the past:

In the ‘90s the U.S. government paid TV networks to weave “anti-drug” messaging into their plot lines. They’re probably still doing it.

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Manila’s new Covid lockdown only for the unvaxxed: Stay home or go to jail. Smells like a solution to me.

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Mustard toast is even lower is calories than pickle dogs. The name is the recipe: toasted bread, with a generous layer of mustard spread like butter. It tastes like a ham sandwich without the ham, which is
surprisingly yummy. Turns out mustard was the star of the sandwich all along.

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This isn’t mine, but it’s good enough to swipe:

My wife asked if I’d go to the store, pick up ingredients so she could make lasagna. OK, I’ll go. She gave me a list. I needed beer anyway.

Then she said “Make sure you get artisan bread.” Artisan bread? So when I got to the market I looked at all the breads on the shelf and found a loaf that actually said ‘Artisan Bread’, I was pretty proud of finding exactly what she asked for. Got home, she pulled the bread out of the bag and said “This is the
wrong bread, I said Artesian Bread.”

Then… The lasagna: “I wouldn’t have bought this brand.”

The Mozzarella: “Did you check the date on this?”

The Tomato Sauce “THIS IS ON SALE NEXT WEEK, NOT THIS WEEK.”

he Parmesan: “Why’d you get the large size?”

Finally, a little snark: “I’ll bet you got the beer you wanted.”

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How to delete your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok.

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There’s plenty wrong with me, of course, but at least my poops measure up to everyone else’s.

Also: Pooping in ancient Rome.

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One-word newscast:
• China
• climate change
• tweet

Dead:
• Sally Ann Howes
• Richard Leakey

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Doug, you gotta see this from the Huffington Post, says an incoming email, but nah. This is irrational of me, no argument, but Dougie don’t do dat.

I saw Arianna Huffington in the 1990s when she was a Republican, standing quietly in the background while her husband, who was an obviously gay but closeted Republican Congressman, gave me the creeps. She gave me the creeps, too, and I’ve never believed the conversion that she says made her a liberal.

After divorcing the gay guy, she started her weirdly eponymous Huffington Post, and when it got popular she sold it some years back, but she was a sell-out long before selling out, and I don’t think I’ve missed anything by avoiding all things Huffington.

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An unusual hockey hero, in my home town.

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Multiple hosts doing zany antics between the commercials, and if there’s time left over maybe they’ll play some music! The hosts talk loud and lively! Interrupting each other a lot! Laughing at each other’s dick jokes!

Yes, it’s the “morning zoo” radio show! It’s on the air every morning in every American city I’ve ever lived or visited! Maybe
you listen!

Well, I sure as fuck don’t, except accidentally, when I’m fiddling with the dial on my way to some other station, but I do marvel at these shows’ consistency,
ubiquitousness, and dedication to the format forever.

Three different stations had three competing morning zoos in Seattle, when I was a kid fifty damned years ago, and the names have changed but exactly the same shows are on now, on several different stations here in Wisconsin and everywhere else.

There’s no point to be made here. This is only me sneering and spitting, and turning the dial quick as I can.

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Propaganda is always everywhere, but war propaganda is a whole different ship in the Navy, in the middle of New York City’s Union Square. Drop by any time until the end of the war.

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I love a good game of chess, even if I lose. I don’t lose often, not because I’m good, but because I’ve been playing the same opponent for years now, and I’m better than he is (or more likely, since my life is non-stop emptiness, I take more time studying the board).

Holler if you want to play an online game of chess, and kick my butt.

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Mystery links — Like life itself, there’s no knowing where you’re going:
—①—
—②—
—③—

Sing along with Doug:
A Hazard to Myself, by P!nk

Tip ‘o the hat:
Linden Arden • BoingBoing
Captain Hampockets • Follow Me Here
The Honest Courtesan • John the Basket
LiarTownUSA • Messy Nessy Chick
National Zero • Ran Prieur
Vintage Everyday • Voenix Rising

Extra special thanks:
Becky Jo • Name Withheld • Dave S.

1/4/2022

Cranky Old Man

itsdougholland.com
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21 responses to “Mustard toast”

Frank

01/04/2022

HuffPost is constant clickbait like Buzzflash, you're not missing anything you can't find everywhere else. It's a morning zoo for the web.

Reply
1. Doug Holland
  
  01/04/2022
  
  Buzzflash, though, occasionally does real journalism. To my knowledge Huffington doesn't (not that it matters; if they did real journalism I still wouldn't click it).
  
  Reply
Captain Hampockets

01/04/2022

> Drug Enforcement Agency is decoding emojis

Reminds me of these (and other) infographics:

https://imgur.com/KeG37Yo
https://imgur.com/cFusFnm

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>Turns out mustard was the star of the sandwich all along.

Always true.

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>Pooping in ancient Rome.

As always with me, this reminds me of The Simpsons. Specifically, the new Army recruits at Fort Springfield:

https://youtu.be/EhTNUSWBukc?t=23

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>I saw Arianna Huffington in the 1990s when she was a Republican, standing quietly in the background while her husband, who was an obviously gay but closeted Republican Congressman

>>"[Michael] Huffington publicly disclosed that he is bisexual in 1998."

>>"According to a 2004 Los Angeles Times interview, [Michael] Huffington is celibate"

>>Huffington was raised Presbyterian, became Episcopalian at age 38, and ultimately joined the Greek Orthodox Church in 1996…Between 2007 and 2012, Huffington gave $2.5 million to establish the Huffington Ecumenical Institute at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles, in order to promote dialogue between the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox churches.

Yet again, religion is making someone utterly miserable in their own skin.

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>It's the "morning zoo" radio show!

Ugh, is this still a thing? The garbage in Philly in the late 80s is what pushed me to start listening to Howard Stern – no music, just talk. His older stuff hasn't aged well – quite misogynistic, mainly, with a little casual racism for good measure. But he changed for the better toward the 2000s. I haven't heard a word he's uttered in a decade, but I know he's a major anti-Trump guy. He was friends with him, had him on the show many times. But Stern is also quite intelligent and uncannily perceptive. That's why he's such a good interviewer, I think. He can read you like a book, and put you at ease. He knows Trump is rotten.

Sorry for the ramble.

Reply
1. Doug Holland
  
  01/04/2022
  
  I should know better than to ever take you seriously, but 'decode your teenagers' texts' is hilarious. Also, group toilets.
  
  > Yet again, religion is making someone utterly miserable in their own skin.
  
  Words to live by, for those interested in living. I often think, if religion helps you and you're not hurting anyone, praise your lord, but in my more sour moods, I don't know anyone who's really been helped by religion. Seems to me it just dampens the otherwise joy of being alive. I don't need to 'splain that to you, though.
  
  > I haven't heard a word he's uttered in a decade…
  
  All I know about Stern is his biopic, Private Parts, which I saw and enjoyed. But yeah, it costs money to listen to Howard Stern, and like you, I'm not spending the money.
  
  Rambles welcome.
  
  Reply
Brandon

01/04/2022

You know what's good, besides peace on earth and all that?
Sardines for breakfast.
Mmmmmm.

Also I just had pickled herring for the first time in my life a couple weeks ago. Was not what I expected. It was…PHENOMENALLY TASTY!!! However, that might be the 70% Norweigan in me talking, you know the giants that lived on fish These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.

How did the giant vikings grow so large on a diet of fish and pork. Like not even good fish. They would catch a shark, bury it under ground for 6 months then dig it up and eat it…..how does rotten fish allow a thriving Viking population, who have a staggering average height of six feet 5 and a half inches, to grow and thrive?? Cause if I had to eat that…id be either very, very small…or dead. Ishhhh no

Reply
1. Doug Holland
  
  01/04/2022
  
  Vikings had no salads?
  
  Reply
2. Brandon
  
  01/05/2022
  
  They ate like leeks and carrots
  but they ate alot of fish
  like….ALOT
  
  Me, not a Viking, you know those dutch butter cookies that come in the blue tin
  
  I ate the whole tin.
  
  The shitty thing is it was an off brand but it was a 40.00 tin off brand and it was the most delicate thing
  so naturally I had to eat it all
  just to be sure
  quality control
  
  Other end of the spectrum though….whoever invented eggplant….needs to walk the plank. ICK ive made that at least 7 different ways and all of them are terrible
  I am 100% convinced that should not be eaten…by anyone or anyting
  
  Reply
3. Doug Holland
  
  01/05/2022
  
  My wife could make a tolerable eggplant, but yeah, there's no such thing as *good* eggplant… and the texture is so gooey and slimy that even if it tastes OK it's like eating someone else's snot.
  
  Reply
johnthebasket

01/04/2022

One of my favorite songs — good lord, it's fifty years old now — was written and performed by a guy you haven't heard of, John Stewart. You have likely heard of the Kingston Trio of which John was a member for about eight years, and you've probably heard of Daydream Believer, which he wrote and first recorded (and then somebody else recorded I think), but his best song was July, You're a Woman.

As a non-musician, I can usually identify a nice chord change, and vaguely know that that's one of the elements that makes a song "catchy", but somehow, all these years later, the chord changes in July, You're a Woman still sound perfect.

He released the song on his album California Bloodlines in 1969 (if you're an old music junkie check out the album on Wikipedia: the six studio players on that album are among the best of that generation or any generation), but by then another of the 800 songs he wrote, the afore mentioned Daydream Believer, sort of drowned it out.

I'll post a coldlink and if Doug wants to heat it up, that would be appreciated but not necessary. John's been gone for about fifteen years, and he won't care.

This comment will bounce off you like bullets off Superman, but on the off-chance you become curious about Mr Stewart, there are a couple YouTube interviews that I have enjoyed, including a short one about writing Daydream Believer.

This is all pretty trivial stuff. Most profound things are. But if you have a good set of cans you'll do yourself a favor to check out the chord changes. He throws a 7th in there that, after 50 years, still makes me catch my breath.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EI5iSKNWcOE

And the lyrics . . .

July, You're a Woman
by John Stewart

I can't hold it on the road
When you're sitting right beside me
And I'm drunk, out of my mind
Merely from the fact that you are here
And I have not been known
As the Saint of San Joaquin
And I'd just as soon right now
Pull on over to the side of the road
And show you what I mean
La, da, da, da, da, da
La, da, da, da, da, da
July, you're a woman
More than anyone I've ever known
And I can't hold my eyes
On the white line out before me
When your hand is on my collar
And you're talking in my ear
And I have been around
With a gypsy girl named Shannon
A daughter of the devil
It is strange that I should mention that to you
I haven't thought of her in years
La, da, da, da, da, da
La, da, da, da, da, da
July, you're a woman
More than anyone I've ever known
I can't hold it on the road
When you're sitting right beside me
And I'm drunk out of my mind
Merely from the fact that you are here
And I have not been known
As the Saint of San Joaquin
And I'd just as soon right now
Pull on over to the side of the road
And show you what I mean
La, da, da, da, da, da
La, da, da, da, da, da
July, you're a woman
More than anyone I've ever known
July, you're a woman
More than anyone I've ever known
More than anyone I've ever known

jtb

Reply
1. Doug Holland
  
  01/04/2022
  
  Holy crap, I'm moderately amazed by John Stewart's "Daydream Believer." Always liked the Monkees version, sure, and it's the only version I'd heard until today, but c'mon, Davey Jones wasn't old enough to convince me he knew what he was singing about. It's like Justin Bieber singing Tom Waits — catchy maybe, but silly. When Stewart sings it, damn, the song suddenly means something. And then he's having a blast singing with the wrong lyrics, toward the end.
  
  "July, You're a Woman" is a song I know and remember very well. I completely share your affection for that song — the lyrics and the music are both fabulous and the work splendidly together, and yeah, I barely know what a chord is but I recognize what you're hearing when you say that. It's a complex composition, and it's always been one of my favorites. I don't know who sang it on the 45rpm record I played a thousand times all those years ago, though. It wasn't John Stewart's version. The record I had was good — maybe not as good as the real version, but a far more plausible cover than Davey Jones. Possibly Glen Campbell sang it, or BJ Thomas? I thought it was a hit, but I'm finding it nowhere on the net, so maybe my record was the flipside of something else.
  
  Going back to our conversations about poetry, that's what this is — "July, You're a Woman" — and it's also a hell of a story, well told.
  
  I might follow deeper on Mr Stewart, as suggested.
  
  > This is all pretty trivial stuff. Most profound things are.
  
  Nothing's trivial about really good music. Thanks for all this.
  
  Here's something trivial, though. Wikipedia says the Kingston Trio has had 15 members over the years, and the original three are gone. Sorta like the theoretical broomstick where you replace the handle and the brush, is it still the Kingston Trio's broomstick?
  
  Reply
2. johnthebasket
  
  01/04/2022
  
  Doug,
  
  Glad you enjoyed John Stewart. I've been a fan almost as long as I can remember. For a guy who wrote and registered close to 800 songs, he seems pretty down-to-earth and even modest.
  
  In perspective, The Kingston Trio, which I honestly never particularly cared for had four members in the 9 1/2 years of their ascendency 1958 – 1967. (Dave Guard left in 1961 and was replaced by John Stewart). After 1967, it's all commerce with guys coming and going.
  
  I'm really glad you could hear that cool change in "July". I've been digging that since California Bloodlines came out in 1969.
  
  jtb
  
  Reply
3. Doug Holland
  
  01/05/2022
  
  It's complicated, both musically and poetically… Now listening to some other of his music…
  
  When I was a kid, I made myself laugh by singing the lyrics, "July, you're a woman, more than any man I've ever known."
  
  Reply
4. johnthebasket
  
  01/05/2022
  
  In answer to your query, it was the first google hit. Embarrassingly, it was Pat Boone in 1969. I now recall his version. He always used top-notch studio musicians, so he sounded pretty good.
  
  Pat Boone, as you might know, is best known nationally as a singer who recorded music that couldn't be played on most radio stations because they were performed by Black artists. He consistently refused to pay the Black artists and writers who had created the music, knowing they couldn't afford to sue him to recover THEIR money. He did this consistently and relentlessly for over a decade. Once Black artists were organized and could afford to sue him, he moved on. In Hollywood, a pretty evil town, he was one of the worst human beings. He most famously stole "Tutti Frutti" from Little Richard. He committed a vile act by not paying Mr Penniman. He created an artistic act just as vile by taking all the suggestiveness and soul out of the song. If there is a man who should be on the hot seat in Hell, it's Pat Boone.
  
  And he took most of the suggestiveness out of July, You're a Woman, but his version isn't terrible, and it was just about the only version available to anyone outside of Tennessee back then, unless you bought California Bloodlines.
  
  If you're from our home state, Pat Boone is the asshole who was the primary developer of Ocean Shores, locally known as Open Sores, a wild and scenic place ruined by development. And it was shoddy development. I was there, and sixty years later, it's a half-assed ghost town with a half-assed population. How did Boone manage to round up investors for a luxury golf development on the edge of the only rainforest in the continental United States? Because he had everybody except African Americans fooled. He was a con man posing as a singer. Yes, I have an opinion about Pat Boone. Why do you ask?
  
  John
  
  Reply
5. johnthebasket
  
  01/05/2022
  
  Pardon my French, but fuck me in the ass, he's still alive. He's only 87, and nobody will figure out who he really is until he fails to ever die. Joly shit, the Rolling Stones even wrote a song about him, and I failed to get the message. They could afford Sympathy. I can't.
  
  jtb
  
  Reply
6. johnthebasket
  
  01/05/2022
  
  Legal question: If you can't libel a dead man, can you libel a man who can't die? I told the truth, but all the witnesses save one are long gone. That fucker still has a squad of lawyers on retainer to sweep away his evil wake. Tutti frutti, good booty (original lyrics).
  
  j
  
  Reply
7. Doug Holland
  
  01/05/2022
  
  I ain't highbrow, but I've never owned a Pat Boone record. I braced myself and listened to the first 10-15 seconds of his cover of "July, You're a Woman," and it's definitely *not* the record I spun a thousand times in my basement bedroom.
  
  Fascinating about the theft, though. I knew, of course, that's he'd lifted the tunes, but refusing to pay royalties is an even lower low.
  
  Reply
8. Doug Holland
  
  01/05/2022
  
  PS — Also found this resource, listing various covers of the song, but the version memorized in my head is not on this list.
  
  Reply
9. Doug Holland
  
  01/05/2022
  
  I'm a fact doublechecker, and I've found bigger sites making the same claim. I'm sure they'll get sued first.
  
  What was the Stones song?
  
  Reply
10. johnthebasket
  
  01/05/2022
  
  Doug,
  
  The site you found is where I also got my info, then confirmed it through memory. I'm losing mine for recent events, no joke, but I'll take on any challenger about '60s music. The version KJR and KOL were playing when the song first appeared was sung by Pat Boone. The other choices on this list (in the timeframe we're talking about) would sound very different. From posts and comments from you, I'm satisfied that you have an accurate ear and an accurate memory mechanism for sound, which not everyone has, so I'm not doubting you.
  
  There's a possibility that Pat Boone recorded both an album version and a 45 version. This was not unusual in the period. The shorter the 45 version, the more it got played on Top-40 stations; made it easier to work in commercials, weather, traffic, etc.
  
  The problem here is that the site we both viewed gets their data from BMI and ASCAP, or allegedly does. You don't have to inform either organization if you record someone else's song, but if you RELEASE the song on any registered label and don't notify both organizations, the label can be put out of business and probably would be, and everyone concerned in the undertaking would be fined up the ass. Even the worst pirates notify BMI and ASCAP when they issue. They don't always pay the writer/publisher/original label as they are supposed to, but BMI/ASCAP are notification services, and dispersers of funds, not collection services.
  
  So we have a problem, and I think the likelihood of you being wrong and ASCAP/BMI fucking up are about equal: both very low probability, but both possible, no insult intended.
  
  It's an interesting problem, and the kind of problem I enjoy tackling. I'll talk with some of my old, burned-out recording artist friends (nobody famous) and put the problem to them.
  
  The Stones song is Sympathy for the Devil. Sorry, I thought I dropped enough bread crumbs.
  
  John
  
  Reply
11. johnthebasket
  
  01/05/2022
  
  Doug,
  
  I hope you checked me out on both stealing from underpaid Black writers and performers and raping North Beach (the name the place had before it was ocean shores). The guy scores high in the league in crimes against humanity and crimes against the planet. Not up there with Stalin or Mao, but making a living by stealing from unprotected people and ruining a beautiful seacoast are horrible offenses. He claims loudly to be a Christian and, frankly, acts like one.
  
  jtb
  
  Reply
12. Doug Holland
  
  01/06/2022
  
  'Christian' is always an adjective that worries me.
  
  As for who sang the song in my head, I will always wonder, but it wasn't Pat Boone. Not just because I never owned any Boone, but because his version sounds so very different.
  
  My tune sounds more like John Stewart. I'd think it was a different recording by the same artist, but I'd never owned anything by him, either.
  
  Reply

Mustard toast

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