Lazy cheapskatery

I bought a bathrobe thirty years ago. "One size fits all," they lied, but I'm fat so it didn't fit me, and I gave it to Goodwill. Since then I've been bathrobe-free. In the privacy of my own home, I walked naked to the shower, letting my little man dangle.

May 26, 2022

There's no rule against doing that here in the shared house, far as I know, but I just don't. It would seem uncouth to simply roll out of my recliner, drop trou, and wobble my fleshy loins across the kitchen and into the shower.

So I bought a bathrobe, just for showers. Twenty-two damned dollars, but it's an extra-extra-extra-large bathrobe, and it fits, and it's soft, feels fancy, and has a pocket for my keys. That's important, because hell if I'm gonna leave my room unlocked while I shower. I don't know these people I live with.

On every shower day, which is 3-5 times weekly, I tie the bathrobe around me, then grab my shower-kit — the little plastic carry-all that holds my toothbrush, toothpaste, comb, and shower-soap — and my towel, which has been hanging on my coat-rack since my shower yesterday, or more likely the day before.

Then I emerge, naked under the robe, carrying my shower-kit, towel over my shoulder, pat my pocket to make sure the key is in it, and walk a few steps to see if the bathroom is empty. If it is, I'll lock my door and take my shower.

Several times I've gone through those several steps, gotten the water to just the right temperature, and then realized that I'd forgotten the towel. So I'd curse and re-robe, walk back to my room, unlock the door, get the towel, re-lock the door, and walk back to the bathroom. It's a minor frustration, and after the fifth or sixth time it happened I said screw it, and let my bathrobe double as a towel.

It's fluffy so I thought it might leave a residue of frizz and fuzz all over my hair and skin, but there's no viable trace. It's 100% polyester and not absorbent like a towel, but it gets me "dry-ish", and that's good enough. Since I'm naked without the bathrobe, it has the advantage of being harder to forget than a towel. 

I'm a lazy cheapskate, still and always, so I'm pleased with the money this brilliant innovation will save. No more towels. My robe is hanging on the coat-rack, it'll be dry by tomorrow's shower. The towel has now been repurposed as a curtain for the bedroom's smaller window, and I'll neither launder nor buy a towel ever again.

An update in the quest for a grocery store in Seattle with reasonable prices: It's Freddy's — Fred Meyer.

When I was growing up here, Fred Meyer was a locally-owned chain of jewelry stores that also sold plastic crap and household goods. It was like K-Mart, plus appliances and diamonds.

It's still a department store, but while I was gone it got bought by evil grocery conglomerate Kroger, so now Fred Meyer is a grocery store, too. They're bastards because they're Kroger, but they have substantially better prices and a larger selection of merch than shitty old Safeway, or any of the other shitty stores around here.

Same as the competition, you pay more than the listed price unless you sign up for a loyalty card, but I'm a conscientious objector. At the cash register, I tell them every time, "Yes, I want to sign up for a loyalty card," and saying so gets me the discount price. Then the cashier gives me a plastic card I recycle when I get home, and some blank paperwork I never fill out.

I enjoy pretending that this strategy slightly screws with the company's stupid marketing, and it definitely keeps their spam and junk mail out of my world, and saves me 49¢ on a can of fruit cocktail.

Of course, it goes without saying: One brand of grocery store, or anything else, shouldn't be allowed to own another.

And now, the news you need, whether or not you know you need it…    

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Adhesive bras 

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Hertz still refuses to drop prosecutions despite being sued for bogus theft reports 

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Picture books teaching five-year-olds about school shootings 

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ExxonMobil must face trial for lying about climate change, Massachusetts Supreme Court rules 

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Raven Software QA group becomes the first US major video game union 

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Illegal abduction: Portland protester sues feds for snatching her off the street 

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The hospital told her surgery would cost $1,337 out of pocket. It billed her $303,709.

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The right to be a total asshole without consequence 

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Graduation hats 

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One-word newscast, because it's the same news every time...
copscopscopscopscopscopscops • copscopscops • copscopscopscopscopscopscopscopscopscops

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The End
Roger Angell
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Ann Davies
Marilyn Fogel
Ray Liotta
Donald K Ross
Katsumoto Saotome
Rosmarie Trapp
Urvashi Vaid
Fred Ward
ɹǝʌɐǝM ʎpuɐᴚ

Cranky Old Fart is annoyed and complains and very occasionally offers a kindness, along with anything off the internet that's made me smile or snarl. All opinions fresh from my ass. Top illustration by Jeff Meyer. Click any image to enlarge. Comments & conversations invited.
Tip 'o the hat to All Hat No Cattle, Linden Arden, ye olde AVA, BoingBoing, Breakfast at Ralf's, Captain Hampockets, CaptCreate's Log, John the Basket, LiarTownUSA, Meme City, National Zero, Ran Prieur, Voenix Rising, and anyone else whose work I've stolen without saying thanks.
Extra special thanks to Becky Jo, Name Withheld, Dave S, Wynn Bruce, and always Stephanie...

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