Well, here’s some good news. I’ve passed the Walgreens background check, and an email tells me I’m hired. Yippee, I get to stock shelves and run the cash register and tell people the wrong aisle to find wet wipes. I get to not be homeless, so I can spend my last years being talked at by my hated flatmate Dean.

There’s still plenty that could go wrong, though. Like, they’ve already blasted me with four “Welcome to Walgreens” emails, two of which tell me there are “online tasks” to complete before starting to work there — forms to be filed, I assume.Can’t do it, though, because their employee website requires an employee number and password, neither of which they’ve sent me. And of course, all communications come from a “no reply” email address, with no other contact info.Also, it was the store’s assistant manager who hired me, after I’d blasted him with absolutely all the “nice” I could find within me. But when my training starts on Thursday, it’ll be with the manager instead, so I’ll need to convince a second person I’m good enough for Walgreens, when you and I both know I’m not.And the dress code says “no sweatpants,” but sweatpants are all I have. Your choice, Walgreens — it’s sweatpants or only underpants.

♦ ♦ ♦ And here’s the not-so-good news.
Yesterday morning I ate a cheese sandwich, with just mayo and mustard on it. A mighty mild meal, but ten minutes after swallowing it, what felt like heartburn started.It wasn’t heartburn, though, because five doses of Alka-Seltzer had no effect, and the pain grew many multiples worse.Also, heartburn hits in the belly, but this was higher up, at the sternum. It felt like there’s a shelf above my stomach, nipple-height, and that’s where the cheese sandwich dropped, and somehow launched a war.And jeeeeez it hurt. I’m describing it as heartburn, but it was radioactive heartburn, all afternoon.
The pain faded to ordinary heartburn levels by sunset, and a mere eleven hours after the cheese sandwich, all pain had gone. Now it’s the next day, and I feel like singing “Jump,” by Van Halen. How you doin’?Haven’t eaten anything since the cheese sandwich, though, and I’m not about to. The same thing had happened a few days earlier, but that was after eating three pepperoni-sauerkraut-and-cheese sandwiches, with the pepperoni a bit discolored, months past its “best by” date. That’s why I only had one sandwich yesterday, and only cheese. Yet the pain was just as intense, and lasted longer.The internet tells me I should be typing this from a hospital bed, but with no health insurance and just $74 in the bank, that’s not happening. Perhaps pertinent is that my symptoms match a miserable week my wife endured, years ago. For her, the diagnosis turned out to be an intestinal blockage, and docs fixed it with surgery. Me, I’ll be following some homeopathic instructions I’ve found on-line, eating carefully and less, mostly broth. And singing Van Halen songs, I hope. 5/14/2024   itsdougholland.com
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