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Bathroom bugs, the resistance, Applebee's, and fentanyl

Because they're so small, it took weeks for me to notice, but there I was, in the bathroom pooping, and there they were. Hadn't brought a magazine or a book, so I was simply sitting and grunting and looking around. Not much to look at in a bathroom, so eventually I looked down, and saw all the tiny, almost invisible bugs.

#150
Saturday,
May 28, 2022

Intrigued, I watched half a dozen of them wandering across the floor tiles. After wiping and flushing, I came back with my reading glasses to get a better look.

The bugs have disgusting little pincers in front of their disgusting little faces, and you gotta wonder what they're picking up and eating with those pincers. Are these bugs biting me and my flatmates and eating tiny chunks of our flesh? I've noticed no wounds or itching.

Thought it would be easy to gross you out by finding a picture of our bugs online, but all the pincer-equipped bugs at Google Images are much, much larger than our uninvited guests. They're barely the size of a speck of dust, so small that if they weren't black and crawling across beige floor tiles, you'd never know they're there.

In an abstract sense it's kinda cool that the bugs are surviving and thriving in our little bathroom. Much as I love nature, though, a can of generic Raid is coming for them soon.

The same bugs are probably in my bedroom, too, but the room's carpeted, and in a dark shade of green, so I can't see them. And if I can't see them they don't exist, y'know?

This morning I'm wondering what I'd be doing, if I lived in Ukraine and my town was being bombed daily, people I knew and loved were dying, Russian soldiers were everywhere, and Russian puppets were running the local government.

Would I be shooting at tanks, or involved with some underground resistance... or would I be cooperating, doing whatever the Russians asked of me, an old man hoping to die of old age instead of a bullet through the skull?

After staying with my sister and mom for a while when I first got back to Seattle, I offered to take them to dinner, any place they'd like. They both said Applebee's, and they said it with a smile, so to Applebee's we went.

I'm not going to bother writing about the meal and service and atmosphere. It was exactly what you and I and my Mom and sister expected it to be. Never before had I eaten at Applebee's, and it'll never happen again, unless again it's someone else's choice.

Being only technically part of the species, I'm generally clueless about the humans and their behaviors, so for me it's a news flash to learn that many or most or maybe all of them except me sincerely enjoy eating at Applebee's and Denny's and Red Lobster and such. They choose it, prefer it.

I don't understand the appeal of Applebee's et al, but my revulsion is such a basic tenet to me, it's an instinct, more than a decision. I will briefly try, though, to explain it:

Even if dinner at Applebee's was both tastier and less expensive than at a real restaurant (and it was not, of course) I would still prefer eating in a place that's not exactly like hundreds or thousands of other places, where the menu and recipes come from one or two people's creativity, not from a well-funded test kitchen and millions of dollars in market research. If I'm paying to have a meal made for me, I'd like the food to be prepared by a person, not a corporation.

Jeez, Doug, you're so weird.

Judging from worried reports in the media, fentanyl is the drug America's supposed to panic about in 2022, following all the previous panics — demon rum, opium, marijuana, LSD, heroin, crack cocaine, meth, MDMA, etc.

There's no smoking on the bus, but once in a while people puff marijuana, and a few times I've seen people smoking fentanyl. I'm guessing it was fentanyl because it didn't smell like either tobacco or marijuana. I could hardly smell it at all, even when it was being smoked only two seats in front of me.

As a matter of good manners, if people must smoke on the bus, please make it fentanyl, just because it doesn't seem to stink.


There might or might not be something fresh on this site tomorrow. Depends on whether anything pops into my head, so probably not.

Expect nothing from me on Monday, though. It'll be Memorial Day, so no internet access — all the libraries and most of the coffee shops will be closed.

And now, the news you need, whether you know it or not...

♦ ♦ ♦

The city promised them a crosswalk, but years went by and no crosswalk was painted. So someone painted a crosswalk themselves. The city promptly came out to sandblast it away. 

♦ ♦ ♦  

Manufacturer of guns used in Uvalde massacre featured photo of toddler handling gun on its Twitter feed, citing Bible verse 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

One-word newscast, because it's the same news every time...
climate
copscopscopscopscops
RepublicansRepublicansRepublicans 

♦ ♦ ♦

The End
Julie Beckett
Colin Cantwell
Hazel Henderson

5/28/2022 
 
Cranky Old Fart is annoyed and complains and very occasionally offers a kindness, along with anything off the internet that's made me smile or snarl. All opinions fresh from my ass. Top illustration by Jeff Meyer. Click any image to enlarge. Comments & conversations invited.
 
Tip 'o the hat to All Hat No Cattle, Linden Arden, ye olde AVA, BoingBoing, Breakfast at Ralf's, Captain Hampockets, CaptCreate's Log, John the Basket, LiarTownUSA, Meme City, National Zero, Ran Prieur, Voenix Rising, and anyone else whose work I've stolen without saying thanks.
 
Extra special thanks to Becky Jo, Name Withheld, Dave S, Wynn Bruce, and always Stephanie...

Six out of seven thumbs up

An excellent run of movie luck lately — you're welcome!

— — —

Framed (1947)

Why would a blonde bombshell working as a waitress pay a $50 court fine for a truck driver she's barely met? Well, there's literally a sign at the side of the road that says "Dangerous Curves," but the movie's blonde is all wrong — she's not acting, she's posing for the cover of Vogue in every scene.

The movie is enjoyable, though, even with a vacancy where a leading actress ought to be, because it has Glenn Ford as leading man. Ford smolders more than a whole pack of those cigarettes he's always puffing, then tossing the butts away in such a manly fashion.

Crusty old Edgar Buchanan (you might remember him as 'Uncle Joe' on Petticoat Junction) brings a load of lovable gruff. The plot, if such things matter, is cockeyed and chicken-brained, and yet...

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

From Other Worlds (2004)

In American movies, if there's a woman with a Brooklyn accent, she's there for wisecracks, street smarts, and comedic effect. This movie, though, takes a Brooklyn housewife seriously. Yeah, it's a bargain-priced science fiction movie about alien abductions, but still, she's not a punchline and I loved that.

JoAnne Schwartzbaum (Cara Buono) woke up on the patio and doesn't remember how she got there, but suspects she was alien-abducted. She joins Abductees Anonymous, and at a meeting she finds Abraham (Isaach De Bankole), a counterfeit watch salesman from Ivory Coast who's had a similar experience.

Occasionally the movie goes for laughs, and apparently it was promoted as a comedy, which might be why it bombed. It works better when it's serious, but when the movie wants to be funny, it's sometimes funny.

"If it's so important, how come the aliens didn't notify me personally?"

From Other Worlds has some technical shortcomings, a musical score that's effective but sometimes mismatches the mood, a bad guy played by a bad actor, and a few hiccups in the script, but it has brains and a heart, plus a fabulous space alien (Joel de la Fuente). Melissa Leo plays Marion the librarian, and Robert Downey Sr is in there somewhere.

And it's not the schlock it looks like. This is a pretty good low-budget film. It was written and directed by Barry Strugatz, a name that wasn't even slightly familiar to me, but IMDB says he wrote Married to the Mob and She-Devil, and something called Furlough that I've never heard of, but it's on my list now. 

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Mr. Ricco (1974)

The Neverending
Film Festival
#46

Unless it's a famous flick, when I click 'play' I usually know nothing but a movie's title and year, so this sure surprised me. It's a 1970s police and legal drama, emphatically of that decade, with awkward racial conflict, angry political speechifying, cops and lawyers yelling at each other, and the protagonist is a famous defense attorney, played by… Dean Martin.

Dean Martin? The easy-listening crooner with a perpetual martini in his hand, sometimes one in each hand? What the heck were they thinking?

Two San Francisco beat cops have been ambushed and murdered, and we watch as a white cop shoots and kills an unarmed black man, then plants a gun on the corpse to make it seem like self-defense. This is serious stuff, but the movie slows and stops frequently to focus on Martin and his lovable quirks, his fluent Italian, and his adorable dog that's "raped" a neighbor dog. 

Until the bizarre and inexplicable ending, this is almost adequate, if overly reminiscent of better movies. I'm not even sure Martin is bad in the title role, but he's relentlessly Dean Martin. He doesn't sing, but he does wear a tuxedo while holding a martini, just before a shootout. And it's probably your only chance to see 58-year-old Dean Martin in an extended fist-fight with the much younger, much more athletic head of the Black Panthers ("Black Serpents"). Who do you suppose wins the fight?

Verdict: MAYBE, if you don't know who Dean Martin was.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

The Questor Tapes (1974)

This is another post-Star Trek unsold pilot written and produced by Gene Roddenberry, after his horrendous Genesis II, which I watched and wrote about recently. 

Let's see if we can build an android. Sure, the scientist who was the brains behind the project is missing, but there's a lot of money at stake, so the experiment must proceed. When they flip the "on" switch, though, the android doesn't work, doesn't respond to any inputs. Then when everyone gives up, goes home and locks the door, the android opens its eyes. It promptly finishes the work of building itself, adding ears and nose to its face, and bit-by-bit becomes 1970s TV hunk Robert Foxworth.

Code named Questor, it — no, he — looks like an ordinary albeit very handsome man, but with no experience as a human, and no emotions. Basically, he's Data — smarter and stronger than humans, designed by a mysterious scientist, wishes he had human emotions, and he's "fully functional" in the sack.

Mike Farrell, pre-MASH, plays Questor's handler, and John Vernon from Animal House is Questor's enemy, the penny-pinching administrator who wants Data, err, Questor disassembled for scrap.

This is an interesting little TV movie, and would've made a good series, because unlike Genesis II, the characters have been written into a story makes sense, Farrell and Foxworth can act, and occasionally there's a funny moment or line. That's probably because Star Trek's behind the scenes sidekick, Gene L Coon, was prominently involved. Also, the music is kinda spiffy.

The ending sucks, of course, because it was a TV pilot, so the grand conclusion amounts to, "Tune in next week." I would've tuned in, though.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

The Shop around the Corner (1940)

Ernst Lubitsch, man...

He was born and raised in Germany, English was his second language, so how did he get so good at making subtle but very funny American comedies? Ninotchka, To Be or Not to Be, Trouble in Paradise… and absolutely, The Shop around the Corner.

It's a classic, a film you've heard of even if you haven't seen it, but you ought to see it. It's a workplace comedy, set in the kind of store that doesn't exist any more, because corporate capitalism won't allow it — a small shop that sells clothing and accessories, where the owner runs the place and knows the employees by name. From a personal ad in the newspaper, two of the shop's employees are corresponding and falling in love via mail, while squabbling and hating each other in person.

James Stewart and Margaret Sullivan star, with Frank Morgan from The Wizard of Oz as the shopkeeper, and William Tracy as an errand boy, stealing every scene he's in. Everyone sparkles, the dialogue is funny while also ringing true, and the situations still resonate even though such shops are extinct along with personal ads, newspapers, and writing letters.

It must be said, though, that Stewart's character is an ass. He discovers the truth halfway through the plot — that the woman he's been working with and the woman he's been trading letters with are the same woman — but he doesn't tell her until the movie's last scene. She ought to be angry when she finds out, but of course, Stewart being an ass is what keeps the story crackling, and damn, it's a funny story with no dull spots. 

"Well, that's very nicely put. Yes, comparing my intellect with a cigarette lighter that doesn't work. That's a very interesting mixture of... poetry and meanness."

Verdict: BIG YES.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

To Be Takei (2014)

This is the documentary about actor and gay rights activist George Takei (rhymes with toupee), who's led an interesting life. As a child, his family was trucked to an internment camp, punishment for being of Japanese ancestry during World War 2. As an adult, he stayed in the closet until 2005, because he believed that being out could've ended his career. 

He started in show biz dubbing Japanese horror movies, and moved on with very stereotyped roles in Jerry Lewis movies, and then, of course, his breakthrough as the helmsman Sulu on Star Trek.

After the series, he ran for Los Angeles City Council and almost won, and as a consolation prize he was named to the board of the Southern California Rapid Transit District, where he served for eleven years, while the board was planning the restoration of light rail in L.A.

There's not much here I didn't already know, but that's more my fault than the movie's. Being a Star Trek geek all through kidhood, I read everything I could find about anyone involved with the show, and of course Takei has remained very much in the public eye.

There's funny footage of Takei's feud with homophobic basketballer Tim Hardaway, his exasperated opinions of William Shatner, and his work with Howard Stern on the radio. We also get to know Takei's husband Brad, a lovable dweeb who manages Takei's public appearances. 

OK, everybody likes George Takei, but is the movie any good? Yeah, it's almost as charming as Takei himself.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦ 

World on a Wire (1973)

Let's start with two little and one big word: Rainer Werner Fassbinder. He made a whole lot of artsy, well-respected movies, only a handful of which I've seen, but none I've regretted seeing — Beware of a Holy Whore, The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant, The Marriage of Maria Braun, and Veronika Voss.

Maybe those titles sound worrisome if you're unfamiliar with Fassbinder, so just trust me, when a big-time big shot from cinema deigns to make something for TV, you ought to tune in. This two-part miniseries, roughly three hours long, was hard to track down, and it took several frustrating efforts before I finally saw the whole thing. Was it worth those efforts? Fuck, yeah.

The story: With governmental funding, private industry is designing virtual reality as it was imagined in the 1970s — modeling systems and individual behavior by constructing 'people' of ones and zeroes, electronic circuitry in such detail, for each person, that their programmed interactions resemble human life.

The Secretary of State is visiting to check on the project's progress. The scientist in charge, Professor Henri Vollmer, is delightfully unimpressed by the Secretary's person and exalted rank, and tells him so. And can the titans of private industry be trusted with a system designed to effectively predict the future?

Based on a novel by Daniel F Galouye, this was Fassbinder's only foray into science fiction, and he didn't come at it half-assed. There are no light sabres, special effects, or CGI, but it's smart. 

It's the 1970s and it was made for TV, so every woman in all of Germany is young and beautiful, and there's a strange all-nude scene with only black actors — not sure what's up with that. Other than that, though, I have no complaints, only applause.

There are all sorts of crazy complicated tracking shots, all perfectly executed, and Fassbinder recruited several supporting actors who were "washed-up" movie stars from the 1930s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s — German stars, so they were largely unknown to me, but definitely commanding presences.

World on a Wire never seems showy, though. It's all intended to tell a story and maybe make you stop and think about things like reality and other stuff science shouldn't monkey with. It adds up to something unlike anything you've seen before.

Verdict: BIG YES.

— — —

Find a movie
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If you can't find it, drop me a note.

5/27/2022 
 
Top illustration by Jeff Meyer. No talking once the lights dim. Real butter, not that fake crap, on the popcorn. Piracy is not a victimless crime. Click any image to enlarge. Comments & conversations invited.  

Lazy cheapskatery

I bought a bathrobe thirty years ago. "One size fits all," they lied, but I'm fat so it didn't fit me, and I gave it to Goodwill. Since then I've been bathrobe-free. In the privacy of my own home, I walked naked to the shower, letting my little man dangle.

#149
Thursday,
May 26, 2022

There's no rule against doing that here in the shared house, far as I know, but I just don't. It would seem uncouth to simply roll out of my recliner, drop trou, and wobble my fleshy loins across the kitchen and into the shower.

So I bought a bathrobe, just for showers. Twenty-two damned dollars, but it's an extra-extra-extra-large bathrobe, and it fits, and it's soft, feels fancy, and has a pocket for my keys. That's important, because hell if I'm gonna leave my room unlocked while I shower. I don't know these people I live with.

On every shower day, which is 3-5 times weekly, I tie the bathrobe around me, then grab my shower-kit — the little plastic carry-all that holds my toothbrush, toothpaste, comb, and shower-soap — and my towel, which has been hanging on my coat-rack since my shower yesterday, or more likely the day before.

Then I emerge, naked under the robe, carrying my shower-kit, towel over my shoulder, pat my pocket to make sure the key is in it, and walk a few steps to see if the bathroom is empty. If it is, I'll lock my door and take my shower.

Several times I've gone through those several steps, gotten the water to just the right temperature, and then realized that I'd forgotten the towel. So I'd curse and re-robe, walk back to my room, unlock the door, get the towel, re-lock the door, and walk back to the bathroom. It's a minor frustration, and after the fifth or sixth time it happened I said screw it, and let my bathrobe double as a towel.

It's fluffy so I thought it might leave a residue of frizz and fuzz all over my hair and skin, but there's no viable trace. It's 100% polyester and not absorbent like a towel, but it gets me "dry-ish", and that's good enough. Since I'm naked without the bathrobe, it has the advantage of being harder to forget than a towel. 

I'm a lazy cheapskate, still and always, so I'm pleased with the money this brilliant innovation will save. No more towels. My robe is hanging on the coat-rack, it'll be dry by tomorrow's shower. The towel has now been repurposed as a curtain for the bedroom's smaller window, and I'll neither launder nor buy a towel ever again.

An update in the quest for a grocery store in Seattle with reasonable prices: It's Freddy's — Fred Meyer.

When I was growing up here, Fred Meyer was a locally-owned chain of jewelry stores that also sold plastic crap and household goods. It was like K-Mart, plus appliances and diamonds.

It's still a department store, but while I was gone it got bought by evil grocery conglomerate Kroger, so now Fred Meyer is a grocery store, too. They're bastards because they're Kroger, but they have substantially better prices and a larger selection of merch than shitty old Safeway, or any of the other shitty stores around here.

Same as the competition, you pay more than the listed price unless you sign up for a loyalty card, but I'm a conscientious objector. At the cash register, I tell them every time, "Yes, I want to sign up for a loyalty card," and saying so gets me the discount price. Then the cashier gives me a plastic card I recycle when I get home, and some blank paperwork I never fill out.

I enjoy pretending that this strategy slightly screws with the company's stupid marketing, and it definitely keeps their spam and junk mail out of my world, and saves me 49¢ on a can of fruit cocktail.

Of course, it goes without saying: One brand of grocery store, or anything else, shouldn't be allowed to own another.


And now, the news you need, whether or not you know you need it…    

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Adhesive bras 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Hertz still refuses to drop prosecutions despite being sued for bogus theft reports 

♦ ♦ ♦  

Picture books teaching five-year-olds about school shootings 

♦ ♦ ♦  

ExxonMobil must face trial for lying about climate change, Massachusetts Supreme Court rules 

♦ ♦ ♦  

Raven Software QA group becomes the first US major video game union 

♦ ♦ ♦  

Illegal abduction: Portland protester sues feds for snatching her off the street 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

The hospital told her surgery would cost $1,337 out of pocket. It billed her $303,709.

♦ ♦ ♦  

The right to be a total asshole without consequence 

♦ ♦ ♦ 

Graduation hats 

♦ ♦ ♦  

One-word newscast, because it's the same news every time...
climate
climate
copscopscopscopscopscopscops • copscopscops • copscopscopscopscopscopscopscopscopscops
RepublicansRepublicansRepublicans
Trump

♦ ♦ ♦

The End
Roger Angell
ɹǝʇɹɐϽ pǝɹᖵ
Ann Davies
Marilyn Fogel
Ray Liotta
Donald K Ross
Katsumoto Saotome
Rosmarie Trapp
Urvashi Vaid
Vangelis
Fred Ward
ɹǝʌɐǝM ʎpuɐᴚ

5/26/2022 
 
Cranky Old Fart is annoyed and complains and very occasionally offers a kindness, along with anything off the internet that's made me smile or snarl. All opinions fresh from my ass. Top illustration by Jeff Meyer. Click any image to enlarge. Comments & conversations invited.
 
Tip 'o the hat to All Hat No Cattle, Linden Arden, ye olde AVA, BoingBoing, Breakfast at Ralf's, Captain Hampockets, CaptCreate's Log, John the Basket, LiarTownUSA, Meme City, National Zero, Ran Prieur, Voenix Rising, and anyone else whose work I've stolen without saying thanks.
 
Extra special thanks to Becky Jo, Name Withheld, Dave S, Wynn Bruce, and always Stephanie...

The ten-minute tax

It was early and I wanted to sleep a little longer, but I needed to pee. My bedroom piss-pot was close to being full, so instead of risking overflow I walked to the actual toilet. Between me and the piss-pot with plumbing, Robert was cooking his breakfast in the kitchen.

This is not Robert,
but it's close.

Ah, so Robert is home again. He'd been out of town for a week and a half (family business, he said, and I'll spare you the details, though he didn't spare me).

"Good to see you, man," said I, and he said howdy but that's all, and let me walk away to pee. That's the mark of a quality flatmate. Dean would've told me the history of butter.

In the bathroom I did my dribbling business, and on my way back to my room Robert gave me a recap of his life since last Tuesday, when he'd left town. I had to listen. The only path between the bathroom and my bedroom passes through the kitchen, and there he was.

In a shared house, you gotta say "good morning" when you'd rather be a grouch. Sometimes you have to listen to people talk, and say a few words yourself. I think of it as a ten-minute tax. It's a social necessity, keeps people happy, prevents the house from becoming a screaming soap opera. Robert is almost entirely a stranger but we share the space, I don't actively hate the guy, and who knows, maybe he'll be a friend eventually. So I feigned interest, and pretty soon I was interested.

To visit his family a few hundred miles away, he rode Greyhound, he said, and they'd found new ways to make going Greyhound difficult. His father's health is skittish and they were never close, but they had a long conversation that ended with a hug. His nephew is flying to Korea to teach English as a Second Language, and hey, my brother did that for a few years, a long while back.

Here's what makes Robert endurable: When he tells a story, it has an end. It's a story he hasn't told me before. His stories are funny, or sad, usually not boring as hell, and then I'm allowed to leave.

All I had to do was say, "Gotta take a shower." Robert said OK, and tended to his potatoes on the stove as I walked into my room. When I'd made myself naked and emerged in my bathrobe, he let me pass unhindered. That's what you want in a flatmate, and ten minutes is a small tax to pay.

This is not Dean,
but it's close.

My other flatmate, Dean, is Robert's opposite. He talks whenever there's anyone to talk to, and sometimes when there isn't. Dean always has another story to tell, and each story leads nowhere except to the next story, and the only escape is to walk away and close the door behind you.

An example of this was provided, when I'd finished showering and turned off the water. What's that deep droning sound from the next room? Why, it's Dean. He'd stepped into the kitchen, and he was talking at Robert, and I could hear all of it through the bathroom door. Toweling off and combing my hair, I listened because there was no choice, as Dean talk-talk-talked about a difficult banquet service he'd worked. He's retired, so the banquet must've been years ago — which, I believe, ought to make it not newsworthy in the kitchen at 6:30 in the morning.

When I opened the bathroom door and walked to my room, all I said was "Hey again, Robert, and good morning, Dean," but my primary function was walking to my door, turning key in lock, and reaching safe solitude.

Dean had a great deal to say to me as I walked, but he always does. Ignoring him is the only way to survive, so I smiled politely and stayed on the straight line, nodded, unlocked my door, walked in and closed it behind me. Dean finished whatever story he'd been telling me, telling it to my door (something about cream cheese). And then he resumed talking at Robert.

I've been in my room typing all this for almost half an hour, and Dean is still talking at Robert in the kitchen. Other than Robert saying "uh-huh" occasionally, it's a monologue from Dean, and that's what always happens.

Robert's been away, has some fresh stories to tell, so when he wanted to talk, I listened. If he wants to tell those stories to Dean, though, he'll have to wait until Dean's told a few stories, or maybe until Dean's told all of Dean's stories.

"Gotta take a shower" was all it took to end talk-time with Robert, but that line has never worked with Dean. He'd follow me to the shower door to tell me more about Restaurants He Has Worked At. He'd follow me right into the bathtub, I think, if I didn't close the door.

In my 20s and early 30s, I lived with a parade of flatmates, two or eight at a time, in several different houses, so I'm no greenhorn, bub. You can have all sorts of problems with flatmates — someone who brings "guests," or spills beer and doesn't mop it up, or smokes and his tobacco floats in through your window… I've had a lot of weird and/or annoying flatmates, but talk-talk-talkers are the worst.

At this house, Robert doesn't talk much, and the mysterious L is never seen at all. They're exactly the flatmates I'd choose. Anyone but Dean, is the flatmate I'd choose.

For a few months all those years and houses ago, one of our flatmates was a drug addict and an idiot. He was always stoned, and always stupid. He made coffee and boiled the pot dry, repeatedly. He wore the same shirt for a month, til his sweat burned holes in the armpits. One hot summer night, he dragged his blanket to the fridge and slept there on the floor, with the fridge door open. He never washed a dish, and didn't think twice about blocking your car with his when he parked. I don't even remember his name, only hating him.

He didn't have much to say, though, and I'd rather have that schmuck living down the hall again, than a flatmate who won't shut up.

5/26/2022  

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Omicron, and six more movies

The Neverending
Film Festival
#45

I'm feeling better, manufacturing a little less mucus, and hope to actually write something worth reading within the next few days.

Meanwhile, more movie reviews...

— — —

A Cuckoo in the Nest (1933)

This is a comedy about a missed train, a judgmental mother-in-law, and an endless series of coincidences and misunderstandings.

At least, it's built like a comedy, with silly music and a guy who's always drunk and a bum with a silly walk — yeah, I'm pretty sure it's a comedy.

What I'm not sure about is whether it's severely dated, or wasn't funny even in 1933, but here in 2022 I couldn't take it for more than twenty minutes, and during that time I smiled only once, and only slightly.

Verdict: NO.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Killers (1946)

Hit men are gunning for Burt Lancaster. He's just a grease monkey at a fillin' station, but he knows they're coming, and knows why. "I did something wrong, once."

Lancaster is very good, for Lancaster. He's usually wooden and he's wooden here, but he's dead early in the story, and mostly present via flashbacks, so his rigor mortis is irrelevant.

The big names are Lancaster and Ava Gardner, but the star is Edmond O'Brien, as an insurance investigator who smells something odd when Lancaster's corpse is found with eight bullet holes.

This is an always-simmering mystery noir adventure, with clues that add up to a story worth telling. It's based on something Ernest Hemingway wrote, and directed by the always-reliable Richard Siodmak. Endless style, shadows, atmosphere, and wisecracks. Also, there's a bad guy unironically called "Dumb-Dumb."

William Conrad makes a brief appearance, marvelously. I think of him as the hero on radio's Gunsmoke and TV's Cannon, but he's one of The Killers here, and definitely not a customer you'd want to see at the diner.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

The Man with Bogart's Face (1980)

I was ever-so-slightly intrigued when this oddity came out in 1980, but it was gone from theaters in a week and I never saw it until today. It's about a modern-day private eye who undergoes surgery to look like Humphrey Bogart.

The impersonation is pretty good. From some angles, you could mistake Robert Sacchi for Bogart. He almost has the face, but not quite the voice, and he doesn't understand the twitch. Bogey had a slight facial twitch, but only rarely, when his character was nervous. This movie's Bogey does the twitch all the time, and makes it monotonous.

Sacchi's Bogart is named Marlow, which should be Marlowe. He talks about old movies a lot, and wears a trenchcoat even on summer days, but he also makes 8th-grade style dirty wisecracks, and punches people for no reason. Supporting characters are impersonating supporting characters from famous Bogey movies.

After a few reels of exasperatingly lowbrow jokes, the unfunny comedy fades to the background, and something resembling a plot emerges. Story and script are relentlessly stupid, though, never failing to make the most obvious gags, and there are no elements you can't see coming like a bus from two blocks away.

Almost unbelievably, this movie is based on a novel, with the screenplay written by the novelist, Andrew J Fenady. It's painful watching this; I'd have to be paid to try reading it. IMDB tells me that Fenady created some TV shows I never watched and wrote some movies I've never heard of. What he was doing here is difficult to say, but it's clear that he never liked Bogart in the first place, nor understood his appeal. It's a long piss on Bogey's tombstone.

Verdict: BIG NO.

♦ ♦ ♦

Moontide (1942)

This stars Jean Gabin as a lovable hard-drinking Frenchman everyone calls Bo-Bo, or perhaps Beau-Beau. Ida Lupino falls for Beau-Beau, which is understandable — he's an easygoing rascal, usually a joker, but when it's needed he can also throw a punch or be an ass.

He's a former dockworker reduced to selling bait, and you get the feeling Beau-Beau's been a few places and done a few things, maybe not the best places and things.

Claude Rains has a frustratingly small role as "Nutsy," the friend looking out for Beau-Beau, but when Nutsy's name is spoken in a rush or with an accent, it often sounds like people are saying, "Hello, Nazi." That's a bit distracting.

Thomas Mitchell plays another friend, a hanger-on with motives of his own. "A pilot fish is a little fish that attaches itself to a shark. The shark does the work. The pilot fish just hangs on, and enjoys a nice living hanging on. See what I mean?"

I like Beau-Beau, better than the movie they've put him into. It feels like a comedy when it starts, full of amusing characters, and there's a Dali-esque one-minute montage, intended to show us that it's whiskey o'clock whenever Beau-Beau is at the bar. I went back and watched that montage again after the movie finished — it's remarkable, especially considering it's 1942. IMDB says Dali did create it, but it's uncredited on-screen so I'm skeptical.

After a comedic start, Moontide pulls in different directions, becoming something serious, and by the end it's damned dark indeed, with all the laughs and most of the charm forgotten. 

If you're sharp of eye and long of memory, you might recognize Victor Sen-Young as Beau-Beau's employer, a fishmonger. He later played the Cartwright family's cook, Hop Sing, on Bonanza for years and years.

Verdict: YES, but barely.

♦ ♦ ♦

Omicron (1963)

Science fiction and comedy don't usually mix well, but this oddity from Italy in the 1960s is successful on both counts, for the most part.

As advance man for an alien invasion of Earth, an unseen entity named Omicron takes control of the body of a human. Problem is, Omicron doesn't know the first thing about humans, so he needs to collect all his intel from scratch. At first, he doesn't even understand the purpose of eyes and ears, so he has a lot to learn, including the language.

He's a good student, and eventually knows enough to get himself in trouble, which lets the movie make some observations on capitalism, workers' rights, and human rights. Also, there's a memorable scene when he learns to blow raspberries.

Before Omicron figures out the purpose of a conscience, there's a painfully unfunny five-minute sequence where he decides to rape a woman. I'm going to sigh loudly but recommend the movie anyway, because there isn't actually a rape, and because everything before and after those five minutes is either thoughtful, funny, or just plain weird enough to recommend.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

Rasputin the Mad Monk (1965)

Christopher Lee stars in Hammer Film's telling of Rasputin, a legend known to me only through a peculiar pop song I've always liked.

Lee steps into the film looking like a scruffy homeless guy, and saves a fatally ill woman's life by drawing her fever into his hands, then washes his hands and seduces the woman's daughter. Where he gets his powers is never explained, but that's OK. Nobody much explained Dracula either. It's a myth, is all.

So Rasputin dances Russian-style, behaves rudely, treats women quite poorly, seems not a person to be trusted, orchestrates events through hypnosis, and insinuates himself to a position of controlling the Russian royal family. He's never a good role model, but he's fun to watch in action, and Lee plays him so bombastically and gleefully, a fine time is had by all except his victims.

Verdict: YES.

♦ ♦ ♦

Time Bandits (1981)

I saw this movie when it first came out, and it bored me. I kinda hated it.

Well, it's time to give it a second chance, because (1) I was just a kid, not even 25 years old when I saw it, (b) time travel is my favorite form of sci-fi, and (III) I hated another Terry Gilliam film, Brazil, when I first saw it, but on second and subsequent viewings it became one of my very favorites.

Several little people shimmy through time holes all across history, stealing valuables and making trouble. One of their time holes is in a little boy's bedroom, so he gets stolen too.

It's a pleasant enough adventure, and it looks delightful, and I didn't hate it on this second viewing like I did on the first. It's visually appealing and odd all the way through, occasionally remarkable to look at.

It might as well have been a silent movie, though. All the bright ideas and creativity went into making Time Bandits look spectacular, with the story and script serving only as a frame for the visual effects. I saw the movie just yesterday, and already can't remember much of anything about the story, nor even a word of the dialogue, but it was fun. It's no Brazil, though.

Verdict: YES. 

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5/25/2022 
 
Top illustration by Jeff Meyer. No talking once the lights dim. Real butter, not that fake crap, on the popcorn. Piracy is not a victimless crime. Click any image to enlarge. Comments & conversations invited.