Diary of a Fat Slob: The archives

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there are also separate archives for
• Breakfast at the Diner • Company Culture •
• Cranky Old Fart • Neverending Film Festival •
• Not complete crap • Pathetic Life •
• StephMemorial •

Decent human beings

On glossy paper, opposite an ad for Gucci

Four buses to breakfast and back

Another woman

All the President's Men, and six more movies

Return to Telegraph Ave

Bagdad Cafe, and six more movies

"Your head, man."

People have to push back.

Mr Black Hat and me

Enjoys long walks

Fear Strikes Out, and six more movies

Cranky all day

Old Asian ladies

Never again

Dhoom, and six more movies

Mugwort pillow

The lady who folded herself

Wally gets arrested

Native Son, and six more movies

Breakfast for one

My good deed for September

Spy Kids, and six more movies

Listening to Free Radio Berkeley

Going abstract

A day at the ball park

While Mom watched

The Man Who Fell to Earth, and six more movies

Feels like a victory

Breakfast at JJ's with Jay

Burgers about town

The lunch, the movie, and Josh

Tidying up, just in case

Legs, butts, and boobies

Well, smash my stereotypes.

Doing nothing all day

Burn it all down.

Ten things I hate about zines

Someday Soon

The evening news, with Calvin Klein and OJ Simpson

Almost "Shut the hell up"

Mr LaRue's office

A Report on the Party and Guests, and six more movies

Is this allowed? Isn't there a rule?

Strike etiquette

Streetcars, cats, and crickets

Good girls

Far away

An evening with Grandma H

Bezos and Mussolini

A big argument

The Stunt Man, and six more movies

Knickknacks

Letters to a fat slob

Literally, the end times

Pontypool, Psycho, and five other movies

New houses, but not for you

"Stay way out there."

Bananas coming and going, with fish in between

"Free to a good home!"

El Dorado, and six more movies

Pooting publicly

Young's

Color lines

That was a pretty good day.

Friday

Only slightly odd and awkward

Bad day on Telegraph Ave

The cockroach and the complainer

I walk alone.

Dropping the ball.

Into the city, and back again

The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, five more movies, and two TV shows

Why she annoys me

The chair that couldn't

The criss-cross exercise

A brief moment of What the hell?

No bus to the bus barn

Enough already.

Breaking Away, and six more movies

Trouble on my right, trouble on my left

An apology, and several complaints

Roaches and schmucks

Retirement home solutions

Three tales from Telegraph Avenue

Studying for the short bus

Fishless

Saturday's breakfast

A boy named Doug

Hundreds, maybe thousands of ants

As sweet as cherry pie

The Day the Earth Caught Fire, and six more movies

Just another rant

What Lesbians Do

Asphalt picnic

Getting to Georgetown

Ran, and six more movies

The taken shake

Carlotta on Telegraph Ave

Driving the short bus

Wallpaper emergency

The Whole Shootin' Match, and six more movies

Cry

That's life on the bus.

Trumpet solo

Another breakfast without breakfast

The invisible Rinaldi

Badlands, and six more movies

Hoot and holler fest

Assault on Precinct 13, and six more movies

Immoral fish, no surprise

Three niqabs

The major mistakes of my life

Me in one word

Community Automotive

Eleven taps on the shoulder

Q: The Winged Serpent, and six more by Larry Cohen

30 mph

Five, and six more movies

Well, holy shit.

Another fine breakfast with my family

A day with the dead

"Sorry, I'm slow."

Semi-hard

How to not make friends

Lucky man

Stoner

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, and six more movies

A few blocks of walking poetry and jazz

What the hell and why not?

No pretenses

Troll Hunter, and six more movies

Without words on paper

Sharing a house with Dean

Dinner at Denny's with Clay and Dick

Bone: A Bad Day in Beverly Hills, and six more movies

Baxter, and six more movies

"For best service, touch screen and check in here."

No fish stories

Wake in Fright, and six more movies

Fear of boxes

A pee before leaving

What would fat Jesus do?

That boom boom boom shit

Most days it's a challenge

In the Bedroom, and six more movies

"That's the fam," she said.

Turkey dinner

Packing and moving

Playing by the rules

Deep Cover, and six more movies

Anti-Santa

A chipped tooth, and a dollar discount

Cranky Thursday

God's wrath every day of my life

Bea

Umberto

Big Fan, Green Room, Next of Kin, and four more movies

Stuck in Limbo

"They're doing their job."

On special assignment for the CIA

The woman from Woodstock

Two kicks

Limbo, and six more movies

Incident at Rite-Aid

The rules of riding the bus

Judith

Moon, and six more movies

Now reporting from the east bay

Room in shared house, with dick

Sarah-Katherine and the second bathroom

Pike and Terry

Sleeping Dogs, and six more movies

Family reunion

What would Darwin do?

An island

Rent liberation

Rocky Horror Picture Show, and six other movies

Screams

Guess I'll be a Berkeley boy.

Me as the maid?

Mesa of Lost Women, and six better movies

Mitchum as Marlowe, and five more movies

Probably not.

"I just want to finish my coffee."

Somewhere south of Market

Cranky old fart on Monday

Fake maple bars

Library guy's library guide

Please. Stop. Talking.

Proof of meekness

Friday report

Two naps in one afternoon

Giants & Toys, and six more movies

A walk in the Mission

Wednesday report

Poetry and police

High Life, and six better movies

A dull day at the diary

The day the bus stood still

The philosophy behind the fish

Talk talk, chop chop, sizzle sizzle

Adios, ABIQUIU

Three bus rides, and one train ride

The Whole Wide World, and six more movies

Dollar Tree bonus burritos

Without spaghetti sauce, please.

Hank Williams with wheat toast and coffee, please.

The Last Starfighter, and six more movies

Bathroom bugs, the resistance, Applebee's, and fentanyl

Six out of seven thumbs up

Lazy cheapskatery

The ten-minute tax

Omicron, and six more movies

Punishment Park, and six more movies

Cleopatra without Elizabeth Taylor, and six more movies

Yesterday's mother

Bodega daydreams

Skin Game, There Are No Fakes, and five sucky movies

Rock-bottom prices

The news on TV

The toaster, the microwave, and the smoke alarm

"Out out out, please."

Nakano Spy School, and six more movies

Huckleberried alive

Interruption machines

Intentional rats

Free human dignity. Come and get it.

City Lights, Junebug, and five other movies

One fine day on the C

The facts of unsalted butter

The Quiller Memorandum and six more movies

Party of eight

A tale of two burgers, one which wasn't and another which was

Please make payment in full.

Rockin' Metropolis, Trouble in Paradise, and five other movies

Poop and television

Allergic to garlic

Out of talk

Manfish and Primer, and 5 or 6 more movies

Fat walking

Two books I don't recommend

Our fifth flatmate

An Angel at My Table, and six more movies

At the Screaming Baby Library

Adios, Unusualia.

Well, half a damn, maybe.

Mildly mentally ill

No cream cheese left behind

Bullshit, and bite me.

27 minutes

Astounding journeys, $2.75

Meet the flatmates

Mrs Rigby's

My great escape

The Sheridan misconception

Slumber party

A crappy update, maybe once weekly

Big sky country

24-hour toe service

Letters, we get letters

Seattle or bust

People's Park

Refusing to prosecute Trump is a political act.

North Beach and Berkeley

Ground rules for my family

Satisfaction

The damage deposit

She saw the rest of me

No vampires allowed

A known commodity

May I be briefly and predictably grumpy?

Good corporate citizenship?

Her magic wand

Room wanted

Ashes

Trendy cookies

Drag for every persuasion

A crowded apartment

A shoebox of pitchers

Luke something: something

How I spent my summer vacation, part 4

How I spent my summer vacation, part 3

How I spent my summer vacation, Part 2

How I spent my summer vacation, Part 1

Too many jackets

Inner journey before the flight

Questions from Quartz

Breakfast, bums, and fish

Douglas shrugged

Keep your distance, keep your masks.

Not-quite connecting with another human

Working on Saturday

A cacophony of none

To the tune of the 1812 Overture

One last argument

Our Daily Bread

Easier than wrapping paper

Nothing left to say

Steph's letter to Isthmus

N-words out the window

Love letter on an index card

Infectious ride to Venice

Mongolia to the rescue!

Donuts

She's on every shelf.

And to think that I saw it on Market Street

Prodigal son, and all that

Sound vibes

Field of Dreams, and six more movies

The lawyer and the landlord

Things usually work out, until they don't.

23 trains to nowhere

Breakfast at the Diner — #56

Grand Central Station

The Lair of the White Worm, and six more movies

Saturday on the sidewalk

"Let's keep in touch."

The future, revealed

A perfect shitstorm

A call I won't return

Help, Help, the Globolinks!, and six more movies

Basic drag

It's as easy as that.

The cape that wears me

That wacky old dude, ha-ha.

A correction-pen

Patterns, and six more movies

Subject: Remember this?

Head-over-heels in hate

Riding with my dead brother

Square dance and auld lang syne

Model Minority, and six more movies

Please do not publish my name.

Visit to a previous life

Call it history instead.

One sentence more than I want

Shadowlands, and six more movies

"I'm a little short on the rent."

The Fundamental Fuck-Up

Nothing unusual so far

Tubthumping

Less money, more happy

Rectuma, and six more

Check engine

One good, one bad, and questions in between

It's gonna get way worse.

Four minutes to Van Ness

How to create terrorists

A cruel and monstrous god

Breakfast at the Diner #55

Rich dunderhead, poor dunderhead

What Republicans fear

11½ hours

Station Eleven, and six more

Welcome to Aquatic Park

Not a pretty view

At the Oscars

Murder on El Camino

Looking the other way

The next COVID variant

Shall we dance?

Phobias and mental and emotional malfunctions

Forgotten men and street people

Seven movies

Cold

Breakfast at the Diner #54

Effort and patience and generic dish soap

Some links, a few stories

Calcutta at the library

The Christmas party

The memory box

Someone to vote for

"Why do you keep calling?"

Nearly a poop disaster

Sidewalk stories

On the loading dock

Seven more movies

This makes my face smiley.

The voice in my head

Ridiculous man

Breakfast at a different diner

Defeated by a poet

The boy upstairs

The best Christmas ever

A key and a phone

Cranky old man

Seven maybe movies

The view from a different window

Pike

Without the South

The shop with two names

Long goodbyes

A fifty dollar day!

The ethics hotline

A communist plot or something

Even stupider than I’d thought

Wishing I was somewhere else

Sayōnara, Roe v Wade.

I'll do anything legal for $5 an hour.

“Who from what?”

Emergency room

Walk away.

Things could get dicey.

Long odds

Officer Frenzy

Pork, beef, and leather spies

Coach

Seven more movies

Futility Enterprises

“The topic tonight is the hippies."

Less of me

Salad bar science

Not-date after not-work

It happened, though.

Kallie's freakout

Pastor Bill and the Chirping Birds

A tale of two e-mails

To be human is to be a dumbshit.

Gray

On the phone with Mom

Seven more movies

Masturbation conversation

Six and a half samurai

Don't dis the workers.

Chinese at the bus station

A long talk without talking

Doug's proper office protocol

My favorite poop, and other monuments

The 'rally'

Blowing bubbles at 36

Thanks for being there, you.

The answer, of course, is everything.

A visit to Wal-Mart

Becca

Calling 9-1-1

A jumbo jet without wings

Stupid headline, good article

Owning the city

Rhymes with eyes

The twins are gone.

Introductions all around

Goodbye, FastCompany

The so-so book

Cheesy tomato cukes

One person can make a difference!

A little low-level harassment

A Monday without optimism

Technical difficulties

Yvette and Bobby

Flattening three things

My Special K pinch

My penis burns with a flaming itch.

Oh, you want to talk politics?

Even if you're never been there, you've been there.

Everybody abuse

The House, at the end

They need a little more time.

The House, at the beginning

And so this is Christmas.

Seven more movies

Black Beauty

Unexpected physics

Cancer got me this job.

Mr & Mrs Wealth

Only the good die young.

Not today

5 simple rules for work

No sick leave for workers

Holiday pizza

George becomes Stanley

Next, could someone please sue Microsoft?

Pickle barrel man

Nothing to complain about

Saturday, December 17, 1994

Hey, space aliens, take me, too.

An abortion by mail

Where's Jackie Chan's forehead?

How could I not do this?

A call from HR

Seven more movies

A nervous lunch

This will be uninteresting.

Family, friends, and a stranger

Joycelyn Elders & Gimme Shelter

Bimbo man

The meaning of Christmas

Come in from the cold.

No kissing, please.

One undeniable fact

A lot of us lead pathetic lives.

Henrietta

Seven more movies

Solidarity

“This ain’t that kind of hotel, toots.”

Sawdust

Is Jonathan Franzen the greatest writer who's ever written?

Chains on my ankles, again.

Still waiting

Don't be a putz like George Bailey.

Witty quips, lies, half-truths and more lies, setups, put-downs, and still more lies

A zen experience

“The movies are your mistress.”

Seven more movies

No pooping, no peeing.

Shush

Mrs Edwards' Coffee Shop

A cockroach in captivity

Unanswered questions

Seven more movies

The web, before giant corporations took control

In living color

A new innovation

Thank you, nobody.

Taqueria El Castillito

Fever started long ago

Poop ticket

Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Bras

Song on the radio

"I'm not going to die here."

"Do you smell smoke?"

Seven more movies

$2 plastic pinchy picker-upper

Always on the balcony

“If” there are layoffs

“You won't be forgotten.”

The Match

Fuck you, Jim Harrison.

One fine day at the grocery store

And there goes Dad.

Codeine and doobie

Breakfast at the Diner — #52

Soggy and hurting

Medical defense

Tooth trouble

Our Confederate dead

Kissing myself

I don’t even understand the question.

Union Corners

Seven more zines

Last train of the night

The party house

Marijuana, LSD, and Tootsie Pops

Can a fat guy survive the summer without air conditioning?

Inside the Rainbow

Breakfast at the Diner — #51

Slugged a guy

Music in a bad mood

How to lose friends and annoy strangers

My brother, and my other brother

Bumbling at Civic Center

The floating bridge

Not in the mail

Seven more movies

Won't you please help?

51 nights in Waco, Texas

Drug deals at work

Suspicious of the broccoli

The end table

Seven more zines

Secret words

Haight Street scene report

The sign on the door

And there goes Margaret.

Blush and eyeliner

Tweaker at the store

Nothing happened.

Seven more movies

“Good morning, Darla.”

And there goes Stu.

The break room

Eventually it gets boring.

Seven more zines

Uh-oh, he's ranting.

That's what freedom is.

"We all miss Charlie."

The opposite of Catholic

The company

The Babs-and-Darla-Edict

Seven more movies

"Please call me."

Pickle dogs

Singalong with Kallie

Seven more zines

An inappropriate workplace conversation

God and guns

Miserable Douchebag, Part 19

Gus and Stan

Blue Angels, my ass.

The office flunky you're looking for

B-movie star

Good luck

Slob manifesto

Seven more movies

The city at night

News without nonsense

Very very frightening

Seven zines

The music of the night

T minus five months

Underwear, batteries, and beans

Radical laundry

She didn't even say "Uh."

My busy social calendar

The Rose Bud Movie Palace

A message to management

My grandmother's grandparents

“More human than human, is our motto.”

Infinite flies

"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."

Never in bluejeans

Seven movies

The King is coming!

Screw the rotting corpse of Billy Graham.

Science fiction double feature

Letter from San Francisco

"They gave their lives for their country."

Old noir and science fiction

Money diet

That girl at summer camp

This blog is a zine.

Pina colada and nachos

Film noir, sci-fi, and tartar sauce

Breakfast at the Diner — #50

You've got a friend.

"Is there anything else you want us to know?"

Seven women

The 4th of July, 2020

Jeff Koyen of Crank

Please adjust your fine tuning.

Me and Norma Shearer

Drunken Master

A copy of your copy?

Breakfast at the Diner — #49

Now playing at The Strand

The Vientiane Palace

A pretty good day before dust

"You folks lost?"

Nobody's shrink or guru

Memo to Management

1:39

The New Yorker

Incident at Walgreens

Conversation in the cafeteria

The Workplace Improvement Committee

Pierced

The real me

Fat, old, ugly, and surly

Just a minute

Soon to be unemployed

Just a smidgen of optimism

Never mind.

Breakfast at the Diner — #48

Too many pickles

Pumping gas in 2021

More leftovers & links

A long brown stripe on the carpet

I have no birthday.

“OK, Mom. You win. You got into my room.”

Mom was speechless. It was beautiful.

The Devil? Really?

Trade rooms?

Pride of the Yankees (1942)

"Welcome to Netscape!"

Breakfast at the Diner — #47

Links and leftovers

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner with Mom

Hope you like orange.

Basically — Jesus!

You never write, you never call

Somewhere in Time (1980)

Breakfast at the Diner — #46

Oh, look. It's crocodiles again.

You may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house.

The Sincere Cafe

Breakfast at the Diner — #45

Scary women

Brainstorm (1983)

Time and Again (book report)

The Ghost Writer (2010)

Breakfast at the Diner — #44

"They're coming for your guns!"

Man of La Mancha (1972)

Yes, we have no children.

Blender the secret cat

This is a pep talk for myself, but you're welcome to listen in.

Letters to the editor

Middle-school talent show

Breakfast at the Diner — #43

The Tenderloin at midnight

The shared shelf

Breakfast at the Diner — #42

A few fewer churches

Call it the blues

Breakfast at the Diner — #41

I did it, and got away with it.

Black-and-white double feature

Breakfast at the Diner — #40

The meaning of pi

This is not a paid advertisement.

Breakfast at the Diner — #39

Pretend you're Sam Donaldson

One absolute truth

Good thinking, boss.

Breakfast at the Diner — #38

An unhappy ending

Almost done

Breakfast at the Diner — #37

Upstairs neighbor

My crappy job that just got crappier

"Hello, Rebecca."

Breakfast at the Diner — #36

A day without pants

Lunch with the doomed

That magnificent deuce

Breakfast at the Diner — #35

Zines and movies are all I got

Van dreaming

Breakfast at the Diner — #34

Return to sender

We're not Nazarenes.

Late night justice

Breakfast at the Diner — #33

When You Reach Me (book)

Penelope

I'll have a cocktail, please.

Breakfast at the Diner — #32

Sidewalk pinball

And there goes Ralph.

And there goes Bruno.

323 pounds of me

Breakfast at the Diner — #31

We're walking here

The camera can't be uninstalled.

Performance review

Call me Karen.

Breakfast at the Diner — #30

Daily Drama Queen

The mumbling man and me

Monitoring my monitor

Breakfast at the Diner — #29

Any bolt or sprocket

Izzy the rescue cat

Stop, stand, and wait.

More mumbles and less Maggie

Breakfast at the Diner — #28

“It doesn’t want to drop, huh?”

"Don't make me go."

Me and the man upstairs

Planning for retirement

Breakfast at the Diner — #27

What do you have in you?

Plans for the weekend

How to make friends and pick up chicks

Breakfast at the Diner — #26

Jackie Chan double feature

Free cannoli and cheesecake

Breakfast at the Diner — #25

Gobsmacked

Hello neighbors. You are loved.

God is love (some restrictions may apply)

Breakfast at the Diner — #24

Just one question

The grass is greener

Drop it

Breakfast at the Diner — #23

Smells like San Francisco

"You have to put yourself out there."

Breakfast at the Diner — #22

A neighbor knocks

Out of the ordinary

Looking out the window of the train

Breakfast at the Diner — #21

A weighted blanket

My dinner with Agnes

Breakfast at the Diner — #20

Not drunk, not disorderly, just ... lost

No words

Me and my brother

Breakfast at the Diner — #19

Ah, to be young again

Belching and scratching my 'nads

You are cordially invited.

"Briefly Noted"

Breakfast at the Diner — #18

Aren't you proud to be an American?

Sure, I'll embarrass myself by posting this.

Mom's visit

Outsource this.

Third cubicle on the left

Breakfast at the Diner — #17

I am not downloading an app to buy a candy bar.

That's a wrap.

Uvula, uvula, uvula.

Breakfast at the Diner — #16

Touched

I'm not going anywhere, ever.

Breakfast at the Diner — #15

An old man babbles about a newspaper

Heads up about ExpressVPN

"Call us if it gets worse."

Breakfast at the Diner — #14

Laziness learned from my father

Chopping onions without tears

Lights out at the Strand

What's Love Got to Do with It

Breakfast at the Diner — #13

Never do a stranger's laundry

Our song

I'm not insulting you.

But ... if the schools are closed, who's gonna beat me up?

Breakfast at the Diner — #12

A gentleman doesn't discuss such things.

The pursuit of happiness

Physically incapable

Breakfast at the Diner — #11

Breakfast at the Diner — #10

Clearly, someone has a hot plate.

Getting your act together

Breakfast at the Diner — #9

Six movies in two days

A security issue with Zoom

My deepest, darkest secret

Breakfast at the Diner — #8

Reduce your cell phone bill by 100%

Say something nice.

Breakfast at the Diner — #7

Maggie

Things to love about COVID-19

An elevated throne

Breakfast at the Diner — #6

Happy birthday to me. x

Perfect popcorn

Zero-cost hair-care

Breakfast at the Diner — #5

Vacuum cleaners

Endorsed by Louis Armstrong

Breakfast at the Diner — #4

Doc Bronner's soap

Actually, you DO want to give me your Social Security number.

Breakfast at the Diner — #3

Long distance is the next best thing to not being there.

Write notes to yourself.

Eulogizing Elvis

Breakfast at the Diner — #2

So I bailed.

This is the stupidest thing I've seen since yesterday.

Fun with cockroaches

Breakfast at the Diner — #1

A movie that changed my life

Acme Amalgamated

Brush your teeth, kids.

The 'secret menu' at fast-food restaurants

Bedbugs

Books, cheap

Yes, you CAN run away from your problems.

$20 for a spare toilet

Life advice from a high school dropout

You can ring my bell.

A stupid and pointless story

It's the landlord's problem

You don't want cops as neighbors.

They / Them / Their

I finally got Beaned

Bun Man

$50,000 for Donald Trump

The Man from Earth (2007)

The day I became lazy

Picnic for one

Quark

Ten ideas for a better America

When your dreams exceed your budget

My new bidet — $15.49

More things that are bullshit

"So I changed my life."

Lost Horizon (1973)

Helpful hint for dieters

... like tears in rain

Out of the Past (1947)

Kansas City Confidential (1952)

Abortion in the Bible

Shower thoughts

Twenty years or less, is my guess

Slack

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956 and 1978)

Things that are bullshit

Corporations are a problem we can solve.

Welcome to western civilization.

Giving socks

Canceling the cable

The last rites

Going through the motions

itsdougholland.com

Diary of a Fat Slob

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